Chasing a Miracle

Day 9 in my miracles life

My mind is in a world of its own.

Maybe it is lack of sleep, maybe sometimes it is just so overwhelming i cant comprehend what is happening, but my mind is in a world of its own and i am trying to organise, and trying to sort out what is what, but for the life of me i just cant figure anything out.

I am, and have always been, the type of person who is organised, who knows exactly what is happening, how it is happening, and when it is happening...

And right now i am trying so hard to figure everything out in my mind, but it just keeps going round and round and round, and i cant even decide when to have a shower, or what has to be done for the rest of the day.

I have lists on the fridge and lists in my mind... Wondering what i need if i need to go out, wondering how i am going to get here or there, or what is happening next week, or even tomorrow, or even what time it is, or weather it is breakfast time or dinner time...

I know today is only the beginning, and i know that it takes weeks to get into a new lifestyle, a new routine, but right now, this morning my mind is just spinning and spinning and spinning....

And maybe that is not a bad thing, maybe it is a great thing....

It is like this week i woke up as a completely different person, with a completely different life - and its all sort of wonderful all rolled into one...  Maybe when one comes home from hospital with their first child, their old life is no more.  Maybe we go into hospital as one person and come out as a completely different version, never to return to anything we knew the day before we walked into that birthing suite.

And maybe that is why i am so dazed and confused, maybe that is how motherhood begins, as a new person, maybe its what we were all wanting all along, a chance for a new beginning, a chance to prove ourselves as someone new, a change to be the butterfly we always knew we could be...

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough. Rabindranath Tagore

Day 6 in the life of my miracle...

I have prayed for many things in my time. And as i look back on the words i wrote one week ago today, my confusion is eased and i know that once again i must have faith, just believe in what i am doing, and know that prayers are answered.

Each night before I sleep I lay in bed, close my eyes and pray for those I know, those I love, people I want to see healed, and most often like everyone else I am sure, I pray for myself.

Sometimes when I pray I am selfish, I ask for things i shouldn’t, things that arnt important, things that in the grand scheme of things wouldn’t really matter at all.

Many moons ago I can remember each night praying for a baby, hurting from inside, wanting only a baby, begging God to give me a baby.  There were some days I hated God for not answering my prayers, for making me wait so long… But then again I am always told it is not in our time, but in Gods time – and maybe I went through what I went through so that baby george could grow in Christ just as I have these past few years.  Maybe the waiting was for learning, learning to trust, learning to listen, and learning to grow.

I don’t know everything and I am not the type to justify pain with the comment “All in Gods time” but I do know that this week, today, never have I believed in the power of prayer and the power of the Lord more.

I had been feeling so overwhelmed, like it was all too much, like I couldn’t do this anymore…. So I spent time with God and I prayed.  I prayed for my burden to be eased, I prayed selfishly that time would pass quickly, that the day and night before the Caesar I would be occupied and not concerned, and I prayed that my journey would be smooth.

And as I write this, Tuesday August 24^th 6.22pm I believe with my whole heart that my prayers have been answered.  And because of that never more have I have more faith, more trust, and more hope in God no matter how selfish or self righteous it seems, or came from.

Tuesday was filled with doctors appointments, nurses, anethsists high blood pressure, and fetal ecgs.  I had prayed for distraction, and a single appointment lead to multiple appointments, waiting, blood tests then being admitted early to hospital… I then spent the afternoon with student midwifes learning from and “practicing” on my geroge – what a blessing!

I selfishly prayed for my burden to be eased, I selfishly thought that if I had my own space in the hospital, my own room, then the guests wouldn’t seem so much, that I would feel less claustrophobic…  To feel more relaxed.  And as I was wheeled to the ward I saw that room number 47 was a single room, a room to myself… And even I don’t know if I will stay here, but for now it makes me feel more calm, and less worried about the days to come.

There are only three words: I am blessed.

I don’t know why, I don’t know if this is coincidence, simply lucky, but I do know that right now as I sit here my fears have diminished …

Yesterday I made a conscience decision to put my full faith and trust in Christ, to give all my woes to him and to just accept the plan the Lord had for me… And since then I feel less burden, I feel at ease, relaxed about the days to come and even excited once more!

I have learned a lesson this week.  Prayers are answered, maybe not in the way you think, maybe not always at the time you want, and maybe not always for everything you want… But I honestly feel in my heart that God is listening.

All in his time.

I.am.blessed.

We.are.blessed.

I.will.never.forget.that.

And.nor.will.my.family.

Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken. Albert Camus

Day 5 of my miracles life.

Another day, another milestone.  Today begins the journey of our life time, the journey that we have waited with baited breaths for, the journey that we thought may never arrive.  Today we take our miracle home, and while many a tears have rolled down my cheeks this week i know in my heart that these tears, these emotions of overwhelming happiness and excitement are real and true.

They say that nothing compares to that first moment you meet your miracle, but I say that second to that, nothing compares to the feeling right now sitting in my hospital bed staring at my miracle knowing that tomorrow her life with my husband and I truly begins.

I know that this is going to be hard, the past four days has taught me that, and I know that after these four days in hospital I don’t know nearly as much as I need to know, I know that in twelve hours time when my little Jennifer is screaming and I don’t know how to calm her that the tears will flow and I will wonder what I am doing and why it couldn’t be easier… I know that, but it still wont take away the happiness of today, the happiness of the knowledge that we made it, that despite the pain, we made it.

I stabbed myself with two needles every day for 14 days.  I suffered massive pains in my ovaries as they swelled to the size of grapefruits.  I went under aesthetic and had a needle shoved through my vagina wall to have only 5 eggs removed.  I waited patiently with hope and faith for 5 days wondering how many of the eggs fertilised and formed into perfect embryo’s, wondering if my little miracle was forming and starting the child my husband and I always longed for.  I spent the two weeks before Christmas not waiting in excitement for Santa clause to come but waiting with baited breath, wondering if this ‘one last time’ was going to work….  I cried I hurt I screamed in pain, I wondered why this was worth it, and why I was doing it at all.  On Christmas day a river of tears flowed as I assumed it was over and gave up on the last cycle, only to be told that it was not over yet, and only to have to face another 20 days of uncertainty.  And when I thought my happiness was to begin, when I found out we were finally pregnant – I spent the next nine months worrying, fearing only the worst, only letting hope come in waves, never truly believing that this was real, always worried to let my self get excited just in case ‘something’ happened, as I knew that if something did I would never be able to recover.

But today, today it is real, today everything in the past year makes sense, everything that we have been through, that has been thrown our way finally has its rainbow at the end of the storm, today I get to walk through my front door as a mother, holding the child I waited for so long for, forgetting the pain, forgetting the past emotional roller coaster of a week, forgetting my doubts, forgetting my fears, and knowing only that the Lord loves me, and that finally I have been blessed with a family…

Finally.

Never let go of hope. One day you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself... 'How did I get through all of that? Anon

Day 4 of my miracles life.

This is harder than I thought, harder than I imagined, and all the while all I can think is how selfish I am.

I thought the hard part was over, I thought for once it would be easier for me, for us… That nature would kick in and things like healing and feeding would all come so easy.

Call me naive or stupid, or maybe just a fool, but I really didn’t expect to be this overcome or confused.

Nothing compared to the moment I meet my miracle, and I know in time that nothing about this week will be remembered, but for now, today and tonight, I continue to struggle with my emotions and with my pain.

I am a strong woman, I have endured a lot, and I know that this is nothing compared to some, but I sit here and selfishly think why.  Why is it that for some women it is so easy?  Babies come easy, they go through an easy pregnancy, suffer with no pain through childbirth, they feed with no pain, it just comes so easily and naturally, but for me everything has been hard.  Every step of this journey has been something.  Every step I feel has been a challenge, and sometimes when night has fallen, when the lights are out, when no one is around, when my baby is taken to the nursery, I sit here and wonder why me, why this much struggle and pain, why me?  I start to believe that I don’t deserve what I have been given.

This week my body has failed me.  It has failed me in ways that I feel overwhelmingly humiliated about, and it has failed me in ways I thought weren’t possible, and all the while I still cant help but to think how selfish I am, how wanting my body ‘to be better’, how thinking about how humiliated I am is just so self-centered.

It is my emotions that tell me that when all I can do is sit in my own filth and watch everyone else nurse my baby that i am no good, that i dont deserve this… My emotions are what is telling me that my body has failed me, that when I cant get from the bed without passing out, that when my baby cant feed from my engorged breasts, that when in the middle of the night, when I am all alone, I cannot answer my miracles screams, that when I cant even change a simple diaper… That I do not deserve what I have, that i am not the right mother for this miracle that God has graced us with.

I know in my heart that my emotions have taken over, I know that no matter what the emotions will pass, and I know that no matter what I will be able to take care of my miracle, that in the end i am her mother, i am the best i can be, and i will no matter what be able to figure this out with dignity and confidence...

But sometimes all we want, all we need at the end of a long road, is a straight sign pointing us in the right direction.

Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets. Anon

Day 3 of my miracles life.

I am writing this post but a week before i meet my miracle... And while you may be reading it now, i know that nothing in my heart will have changed.

There are some things in life that we have to accept, that nothing and no one is perfect, and that while we want to be the best parents we can be, somethings in life i believe we need to let others help us with.  We may think that people know how we feel, we may think that the people closest to us know just what we want and just what we need, but the truth be told - they dont.

I know at this point in time my miracle is still within me, not exposed to reality yet, not yet out there for the world to harm... And it maybe sometime before the world has a chance to get its hands on the one i treasure so much, but before that happens, before technology, before life, and before evils get a chance to take hold i want my miracle to be surrounded by what i believe in and what i know to be true, what has made my life what it is, and brought me to who i am today.  I want my miracle to be surrounded by the same faith, the same influences and the same beliefs as i was.

And like many people, like many parents i should say, i want my miracle to have the best possible Godparents to teach him all about faith, love, and where we have come from.

I dont know what most people class Godparents to be, weather it be the people who care for your child (heaven forbid) if something happens to the parents,  or whether it means simply for someone else to help bring your child to understanding the ways of Christ, the ways of your faith, what is right, what is wrong...  I believe it is the latter...

I believe that in choosing Godparents, we are choosing two people who will help us bring our child into the world that we believe in, two people who know what we know, and two people who have strong beliefs, and who are simply willing to pick up your child and say - have faith, God is listening.

I know now, and i have known for a while that my choices are my own and that the decision i make on this role had to be from my own heart. And because of that my choices for this role for my miracle are something i have thought about for so long, and through all that we have been through, and through all that my husband and i have experienced, we believe there are two very special people who could be the only ones for this role.

I know that the decision we have made is the right one, and i know that while it may seem different to what was expected, i do it for reasons of faith - and because of that, i know it is the right one.

One week from now i will be a mother.  You may be reading this in one week, you may be reading this a few days after i have become a mother, but i know that no matter when you read this, no matter what the day, what the situation - my heart will feel the same.

I have chosen the two most precious people to be the Godparents of my miracle, and today one week from the day we meet my miracle - i get to tell them.

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. Flora Whittemore

Day 2 in the life of my miracle...

To my dearest little miracle,

I lied.

I lied to many people when i said we were searching for just the right name for you, because we always knew what we were going to call you.

For years in my heart i secretly dreamed of the day i would have a baby girl, dreamed of the day i would be able to give a child of mine something so precious, something that means so much to me.

I know that it may take some time for you to fully understand why i wanted to give you the name i have given you, and you may never really understand why in my heart it was so right, nor why each time i look at you a tear forms in the corner of my eye.

But i want you to know that nothing else crossed my mind, and that from the second i knew i wanted children, before i met you father, before we were married, and even before we faced our struggles i knew just the name for you.

My miracle, you are named after my mother.  And just like my mother you will never really fully understand just how much i love you.

It seemed unfair that someone so perfect in my eyes should leave this earth so early, that such a precious soul to me should no longer exist... So in honor of that soul, in honor of the mother that i never really knew, and in honor of a new soul, a soul that comes from the mother i lost, that shares hopefully the best reflections of her... I give you her name.

And there is no doubt in my heart that you will carry your name with pride, love and respect, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will know that no matter what you are an individual and that your soul will be loved more than you could ever imagine.

Love from the mother that is.

Whatever they grow up to be, they are still our children, and the one most important of all the things we can give to them is unconditional love. Not a love that depends on anything at all except that they are our children. Rosaleen Dickson

Day 1 in the life of my miracle...

Life is full of so many ups & so many downs.. It is a journey of discovery, of learning what is right & what is wrong & of who we really are.  From the lows of our lives to the highs of our lives each day marks new beginnings new horizons new adventures...

Today is no different, today you will discover something new, and today you will learn something about yourself. And today, today i learned something that i will never forget.

Today i learned love.

True love.

Love in the form of a baby.

Today i am whole, i have everything, i have more than the world, i have more than i could have ever imagined, i have tears in my eyes of happiness, pure happiness... I have my miracle...

Today more than any day in my life i believe in God, i believe in his power and i know that no matter what torment we are put through, what trials we face - it is all for love.

Jennifer Yntema Schull

Born August 25 2010 @ 12.38pm

6lb 2oz / 2.78kg

49.5cm long

For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted what I asked of Him. 1 Samuel 1:27