Day Eight of 100 – I am a human pin cushion!

September 30, 2009 0 Comments

Day six of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection

My husband has many nick names for me, the most recent of which is ‘my human pin cushion’…. With my cycle now in full swing i am becoming accustom to jabbing myself each night at 7pm.  I even have a reminder set in my phone!

When i first walked into the clinic the last thing on my mind was giving myself needles, i dont think i had any clue about that, i think i just assumed that it would be tablets…  until i fell pregnant, actually now that i think of it i didnt even expect the scans!

Even though i may be used to the idea of jabbing myself each night, my body isn’t and almost a week into my cycle and my belly now resembles somewhat of an artwork, with a few little purple bruises and some nice red prick marks… Combine that with the bloating and soreness and one certainly does not feel good about one’s appearance.  I have even canceled my weekend dinner for fear of not feeling up to it!

Not sure if i have mentioned it before but this is my second full IVF cycle, last time i was given the nose spray to stop ovulation, this time i am doing what the doc calls an antagonist cycle for fear of hyper stimulation, with this you get to give yourself two needles! Yes thats right folks, as of last night i am now giving myself two needles per night, and this is likely to continue until next Monday, so thats still 5 more nights of two needles.  See the thing with the second needle is that it is big and blunt and you cant just go in for the kill, you have to actually think about what you are doing…

Last night was a disaster!  I went in for the epipen jab, which is easy – except i was a little tired and forgot to twist the dose – for those of you who have never used an epipen, you have to twist on the needle point, then twist the other end so that you have the right dosage, then you pinch your tummy fat, and go in for the jab – which involves jabbing then pressing the button in to release the dose into your tummy… hmmm am i making sense? Believe me its not really that hard.. HOWEVER if your somewhat of a nob like me and forget to twist the dosage, you then have to pull the needle out, twist the dose, and re jab yourself….BOLOX

Soooooooooooo, after muffing up the first jab, i opened the Orgalutran injection, which was good because it is all pre done and there is no measuring or anything, it is just a matter of jabbing… HOWEVER the friggin thing is HUGE, i would even go as far as to say it is a larger needle than the overdril (thats the one you have to give to make you ovulate).  And i have been so used to the little epipen that it didnt go in the first time, i had to toughen up and press quite firmly to get it in my belly.

*sigh*

HUMPH

Well there is no getting around it, it really is quite amazing what you will do in life for the things that you want so badly.  So many people have told me that they could never do it, but i think if you had told me a year ago that i would have to give myself needles, i too would have said that i couldnt do it.  I surely have my eye on the target, and everything between me and my target is inconsequential… And plus, it gives me something that makes me feel better about myself – i can do what it takes, i can be the girl who overcomes her fears, takes the challenge, and is stronger than she ever imagined.

I AM THE HUMAN PIN CUSHION HEAR ME ROAR! And my phone is beeping at me to remind me to stab myself once more… Wish me luck with the Orgalutran injection :)

“Success is deciding from the start what end result you want and creating the circumstances to realise that result.”  Mark Victor Hansen

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Day Seven of 100 – Has God found me?

September 29, 2009 0 Comments

Day five of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH PLUS Orgalutran injection

I began my morning this morning by opening the Bible.  Yes you heard right, i opened the Bible, it was there, and i said in my head “ill open it and hope that something relevant is infront of me” Well, well, well… there it was…

Jeremiah 12 (The Message)

What Makes You Think You Can Race Against Horses?

1-4 You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can’t argue with that. But I do have some questions:
Why do bad people have it so good?
Why do con artists make it big?
You planted them and they put down roots.
They flourished and produced fruit.
They talk as if they’re old friends with you,
but they couldn’t care less about you.
Meanwhile, you know me inside and out.
You don’t let me get by with a thing!
Make them pay for the way they live,
pay with their lives, like sheep marked for slaughter.
How long do we have to put up with this—
the country depressed, the farms in ruin—
And all because of wickedness, these wicked lives?
Even animals and birds are dying off
Because they’ll have nothing to do with God
and think God has nothing to do with them.

Now i’m not sure what all this means, but when i read it i thought about my blog last week – Where are you God?  I realise that i have left my thoughts somewhat unfinished… And i think the reason behind this is because i am torn.

When it comes to god and IVF i really am torn, and there is this sick feeling that comes with it.  The feeling at the bottom of your stomach that makes you think what you are doing is wrong.  Like guilt almost.

I am somewhat torn between logic and faith.  Someone told me today that i cannot sit on the fence, that i have to put my heart into my faith, that to be a christian is to have full faith.  I thought i did have full faith?

Why am i so torn? Why does logic win? Why does this internal debate make me sick?  Do i even want the answers to these questions?  Or maybe living on the fence in my naive way is what i want?

I’m honest – i’m scared, i’m worried that no matter how hard i try, how hard i pray, no matter how much i hope against hope, that God just doesnt want me to have a baby via IVF.  Am i wasting our money? Am i wasting our time? and if i do fall again, will it be taken once more from me? And why can i not be satisfied with what i have? With waiting, with having faith that miracles can happen?

Am i denied a child because i self loath? Am i denied a child because there are bigger things for me? And what about my husband? Doesnt he deserve to make a baby with the one he loves?

I feel like i never had a family, like i want to be the family i never had.  I want to believe in someone, give them strength, show them what i have learnt in life, show them an unconditional love, i want someone to learn from my mistakes, grow from my past.  I want to feel what it is like to have a life grow inside of me – teach them, nurture them, hold them when they cry.  And why should i be denied that?  I dont want to be rich, i dont want to be famous, i dont want to be better than anyone else.  I just want to have a child, someone to share my love i share with my husband.

What is it about faith that makes things so confusing? Shouldn’t it be clear? And what if it is clear and i not accepting it? What then? If it all ends now, what do i do, who am i, and where do i go from here?  There are no answers, there are always only questions..

I cant stand it, that i feel so torn, i cant stant it that i cant have what i want, i cant stand it that it feels so unfair, and i cant stand it that i know i am not alone in these feelings.

I’m still angry and i am still hurt, and i am still sitting here looking for answers.

God gave somone the intellagence to be able to create the technique and the science behind IVF – if you look at the process, it really is a miracle, and even with all the technology in the world there is only that 40% chance you will fall pregnant…

And if got gave these people this intelligence, why shouldnt i make use of it?  There is that old story about the drowning man, God sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, each time the man told the rescuer not too worry because God will save him… When he faced God upon death the man asks “why did you not save me” God answered “I tried, i sent a boat, a helicopter, and a diver, why did you choose not to be rescued?”

IVF has to be my boat, my helicopter, and IVF has to be my diver – i dont want to face God and ask why i was denied, only to be told that i didnt take his miracle given to me through my doctor, through the scientists, and through the medications and proceedures that people, his people, were wise enough to create.  I want to try everything on this earth, that God has offered, everyone on this earth that God has offered to me, use all of the interlect, all of the hope in this world to go toward my little miracle.

I wish there was a way i could sum up my fears, a way that i could simply let go, feel more at peace with maybe not being a mother…

But there is not.  This is what i want and i fear that i will do anything and everything to get it.

“Hope is knowing that sun has risen even when the clouds cover every ray of light”

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Day Six of100 – Have you ever?

September 28, 2009 0 Comments

runningtwoHave you ever run until you cannot breath? Have you ever run down a hill with your arms spread out and your eyes closed tight?  Have you ever run so fast for so long that it hurts, run so fast that you cant see the path in front of you, run so fast that all you can think of is your next breath in, your next breath out, you cant continue because there is no air but you cant stop because you haven’t got to the end of the road?

Have you ever watched a sad movie or a tv show that just sucks you in and then spits you out, but in the interim has completely involved you to the point that their pain is your pain, their tears are your tears, taken you from your sad reality into their even more upturned reality, only to send you back to a reality which still hurts, but seems silly for hurting?

Have you ever listened to a song over and over and over, screaming the words at the top of your lungs making each meaning your meaning…

Have you ever just broken down in tears, screamed in pain, felt the hurt deep from the bottom of your gut, felt like you cant go on, felt like there are no more tears to give, no more of you to give, like you just cant do this anymore?

I have.

Twice.

But i am still here. I am still here.

And somehow, somewhere deep inside, deeper than the hurt, i found enough hope to continue.

I am here. I dont know why, and i dont know how, but i am here…

Thank the Lord i am still here.

“I haven’t been to the ends of the earth and faced death – but I have felt pain.  I haven’t climbed the highest mountain or been to the moon – but I have felt happiness.  No matter the challenge, no matter the triumph so long as you have found some HOPE there is a future.”

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Day Five of100 – The intense situation continues

September 27, 2009 0 Comments

Day three of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

“We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly.  But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way.”  Gloria Gaither

Embyro #1

Day 18 – Meeting with the scientist before the transfer.  Before the appointment i was told to drink about a litre of water for a full bladder. So today of all days the doctor was about half an hour late, and at this point i was about to wet my pants!  Before the transfer was the meeting with the scientist, who showed me the one, yes thats right out of 16 follicles, 8 eggs, five fertilised, only one embryo survived the distance! HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT?

The transfer consisted of having my legs in stirips for about half an hour with a doctor, a nurse, and a scientist playing around in my uterus while i desperately tried not to pee on them, after all that there was an embryo inside of me… YEAH – now the 10 day wait begins…

During my ten days i not only pondered the meaning of life, i wondered about what i would do if this didnt work, would i go on?  Maybe i would become a baker (dont ask!) maybe we would move to the sunshine coast, maybe i would move to the sunshine coast, start a new life… But then this predicament would surly come around again.  I also managed to not only run into another car, but i got myself a large parking ticket and almost watched my car be towed away… Maybe i should become a local baker and walk to work, anything has got to be better than this.

Day 28 – Blood test day, i have told this story before – Friday 4th September the emotions were just so overwhelming, i thought all my dreams had come true… But it just wasnt meant to be.  Was God taking away what i shouldnt have endeavored into?  Was i being punished once more for something i had done in a previous life? Why? Why me? Why give me my miracle then take it away? What have i done to deserve this? What has my husband and i done to deserve this?

I couldnt figure out my emotions, just as i still can not figure out my emotions right now.  I am sick of being confused, i am sick of being scared that i am doing the wrong thing, i am sick of it all, sick of having to watch every penny, sick of worrying if we will be able to afford this next time, sick of telling my husband that he cant spend any money. Sick of thinking that i am going to send us both broke because of my need, my desire to have children, sick of thinking that it wont happen anyway, sick of making out that my biggest concern in life is whether or not to put one or two embryo’s back in.  Just sick, sick like i want to vomit.

The saying says that we shouldnt miss the rainbow along the way – maybe people are learning from me, maybe for some reason this is my time to help someone, maybe this is my time to repay my sister for all she has done for me over my life, by showing her how blessed she is, maybe it is my time to learn how to deal with my emotions, maybe it is my time to figure out my feelings from the past, bring everything to the surface and release it before i continue on.  But what if it is not, what if it is all just a horrible horrible irreversible joke?

What if my life, my very existence – is just a joke?

Where would the rainbow be then?

Filed Under: Background, IVF Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Day Four of 100 – Just a little more intense (part one)

September 26, 2009 0 Comments

Day two of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s FSH

Today is a great day! Although i began my morning with a tear, there was no need for the tear, and it honestly was only one tear, might be the hormones? Do they work that fast? Even though i have been through this before it still seems new, it seems that once again i am saying that the past few months have been somewhat of a “haze” and maybe that is the hormones again.  Now that i think about it a lot of people have said that i have changed this year, it makes me wonder how much, and for the better or for the worse.  It is one of those questions that you don’t dare ask because of the fear of the answer.  Has this made me a stronger person, or has this just made me a sooky sooky lala and a b-i-t-c-h?

I figure if i have changed for the worse, or maybe just changed, i have the right, i mean for the past 7 months i have pumped my body full of this hormone and that hormone, if its not FSH its estrogen, or progesterone, or some other drug… So BLAH to all of you who said i have changed – when was the last time you had to give yourself a needle?

August 7th was day one of my first IVF cycle, i started with the synadrell nose spray (BTW it tastes like crap) to stop me ovulating, then began on 150 iu’s (international units) of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) to grow my little follicles.

Day 8 was my first scan, where the doctor counted around 10 follicles on my right ovary, and i think there were just a few less on my left.  Now for those of you who have never had your follicles stimulated, let me just tell you, and i imagine it is different for every IVF patient, just let me tell you – it is no picnic – not only are you bloated to all buggery, my gosh it feels like two burning balls of fire on each side!

My dosage of FSH was reduced to 125 iu’s for day 9 & 10, then i was scanned again on day 11, where the doctor counted around 16 follicles on my right ovary, cant remember about my left.  But it was time, i was booked in for the egg pick up on day 13.  The pain got more and more intense, and to make matters even worse we were told that my husband needed to – as the doctor put it – “off load” now im not sure about you, but the last thing i wanted to do while i was bloated and hurting was have sex…

Day 13 egg pick up, scheduled for 11.30 am, which means that 36 hours before i had to wake myself up and give myself yet another needle, only this time, i had to play nurse and mix the trigger injection myself, which wasn’t easy at 11.30 at night! But through my sleep crusted eyes, of course, i managed. (lucky they give you step by step instructions)

So day 13, from 5.30am i was on nil by mouth, my wonderful husband sat down that morning and ate a full breakfast in front of me.  This didn’t really bother me until the nurse’s at the clinic mentioned that most other husbands starve in sympathy! Oh well i still love him.  So the egg pick up came, and after a long recovery session (about 2 hours) and being told that i had “blood pressure to die for” we were back in with the nurses, telling us that they collected 8 eggs, which was a good number.  I was quite shocked, because i thought that the 16 follicles would mean that many eggs, but i soon learnt that it is not about quantity is is about quality (a bit like men really).  So the instructions from that point were to rest and tomorrow the scientist would call and advise us how many eggs fertilized – least they weren’t calling to tell me how many eggs they ate for breakfast.

Day 14, the scientist calls, now if there is one thing about scientists, i think they need to be more personable, i remember at the time being quite offended that they presented me the information in such a clinical way, dont they understand this is peoples emotions they are playing with? The way it was put to me was that “only five fertilized” and they would call me “if we didn’t make it to transfer” WHA? HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE! I might not get to transfer day? NOOOONE told me T-H-A-T! So after the phone conversation, i was worried, and for the next four days i was a little bit on edge thinking that i “may not make it to transfer” BUGGER!

Day 18… We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!

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Day Three of 100 – Details details details…

September 25, 2009 0 Comments

Day One of IVF cycle – 150 iu’s of FSH


So today it starts, my first appointment was this afternoon, my second cycle begins…  I am just so excited i could burst!

So with 97 days in the count, and my second cycle on its way, i finally give you some of the finer details of my story.

September / October 2008 – Stop taking contraception, no period.

December – January 2009/2009 – Hmm still no period, and many many many negative pregnancy tests

February 2009 – STILL no period, this is weird. GP appointment, internal scans, blood tests.  Results of blood test came back with low FSH and LH levels, my GP then referred me to a gyno.  I actually thought it was just going to be a gyno gyno, not a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Imagine my surprise when i rocked up at the gyno and it was a fertility clinic!

March 2009 – Meet my fabulous and caring Dr J. (or so i reckon anyway!) Had a few scans, which basically confirmed that i had poly cystic ovareries, which to this date i still dont fully understand, all i know is that i dont ovulate. Dr J. suggested we use clomid, and go with IUI’s (intrauterine insemination) for the best possible outcome.

April 2009 – First IUI, first two week wait, lots and lots of praying.  No pregnancy, but on the positive side, my first period in more than 6 months! And who gets pregnant the first month they try anyway?

May 2009 – Second IUI, second two week wait, i even believe i had a little bit of anxiety. But no pregnancy :( we continue on, but this time, the clomid didnt work, and i had used FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) injections to get me to the point of ovulation.  So my third cycle begun with a double dose of the clomid.

June 2009 – The double dose of clomid didnt work, so back onto the FSH, because of the poly cystic ovaries and my resistance to the drugs, it was becoming harder and harder to stimulate just one to two follicles.  But we got there and went for our third IUI.  At this point the Dr had mentioned that we should think about IVF as this would give us a better outcome, we wern’t ready to go there and were still hoping against hope that the IUI’s would work.  But it didn’t.

July 2009 – Got reffered to get my tubes tested, i forget the name of the test, but my tubes are fine, and the reffering doctor suggested that IUI’s were the best way to go.  So we decided to give the IUI’s one more chance, again my body became more resilient to the hormones, and it took 20 days to stimulate the follicle, the Dr at this point told us that if it doesnt work we should really consider doing an IVF cycle, so we went  to the IVF meeting with the clinic nurses.

August 2009 – Fourth IUI failed, no surprises there.  So here we go, a fully stimulated IVF cycle….

“When I look back at where I’ve been, I see that what I am becoming is a whole lot further down the road from where I was.”  Gloria Guithes

I can tell you that now that i have put it on paper, i am a whole lot further along the road from where i was, it has been hard, and i often ponder the thought that i went to see the doctor too soon, maybe i would have ovulated by my own, maybe maybe maybe.  But then again, logic says that my ovaries are stuffed, and they need help.  So here we are, tomorrow is another day, and another post, and for now i’m off and will continue my story then…

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Day Two of 100 – An open book, to let others read the pages or not?

September 24, 2009 0 Comments

“I am an open book, these are my pages, they will be read, but kept untold, as i do not want my pain to be your pain, i want only my happiness to be your happiness.”


book

I have always been an open book, i like to talk, and yes i like to talk ALOT.  If someone or something annoys me, i’ll tell you about it.  If i’m angry ill stand up in the middle of the office and tell all the staff about it, and if something excites me my gosh ill stand in front of the world, do a ridiculous dance and scream out at the top of my lungs so that everyone knows just how i feel.

So you can imagine the dilemmas i am having keeping my IVF and baby business to myself…!

At the beginning of the year after our first gyno appointment, even through the excitement that there was actually hope for us, we decided to keep it to ourselves.  We told both sets of parents, and i told my best friend at work – purely so that someone new why i was going crazy, and plus i needed good advise. But as i caught up with friends, and as my first two week wait came closer, i became more and more excited – so i told!

As the months progressed more and more people found out, and it got to the point where i was having so many doctors appointments and was ducking out of the office so much, losing concentration and slipping up time and time again, that i had to go in and tell my boss. Basically that’s when the whole office found out, and i think that’s when i decided not to be bothered about keeping any secrets, if someone asked me how i was i told them the truth.

The more we progressed along with the IUI’s i found it increasingly harder to let people know that it didnt work as it seemed to make me more upset.

After four failed IUI’s, it was time, time to move on to the big guns, IVF.  So August 2009 we began our first cycle, and i told EVERYONE.  I told people when i had to give myself the needles, i told everyone how my overies hurt, i told everyone about the egg pick up, i told everyone about everything! Then came the ten day wait, the most painful wait of my whole entire life, so many emotions PLUS so many people asking me when i would find out, when they would kow the outcome of this month long process that i had told them every little detail about…

D-Day, blood test day – Friday 4th September 2009, 10.30am, the call came, two of my girls stood by me as i recieved the phone call, i progressed outside, they followed – they looked like they were about to expolde!  Then it came -YES i was pregnant! OMG i gave them the thumbs up – they ran inside and told everyone, everyone came outside – there were hugs there were kisses, I felt like i had won the lottery! I rang everyone, texted everyone else, OMG OMG OMG – it worked!

September 7th – second blood test, your not pregnant, hormone level had dropped significantly.  NUMB.  For about an hour, then i told, as soon as i told, as soon as i said it out loud, that was it, the tears didnot stop, how do i tell people im not pregnant, how could this be? The whole office was in tears like someone had died, which made it worse, oh how it made it so much worse, these people they love me so much, they are crying for me, hurting for me… and i cried, i cried, i cried… i didnt know that i could cry so hard for so long. I wanted my mum, i wanted to die, i wanted to throw the towel in, crawl under a rock and just disapear.

SIGH – i was a mess, and everyone knew it.  And because everyone knew, they were sympathetic, and because they were sympathetic i got worse, i cried at work, i cried at home, i told my dad i was ‘just miserable’ i couldn’t snap out of it, and i really think it was because everyone knew just what i was going through.  I was ready to give up, i had given up, i had canceled all my appointments, and told my husband that that was it, i couldn’t do it again, i was to devastated and it was all too hard.

So as the days moved on and i got slightly more depresed about everything, as i begun seeing babies everywhere and becoming more and more envious of pregnant people, i realised that i couldnt give up now, i want this more than anything i had ever wanted, and i realised that this was the only thing that was going to make me happy again.

On September 15th (ish) i had a good D&M with my husband and we decieded to do it again, and on that note we decided to continue on our journey until the end of the year, but with one difference – we would not tell anyone, except our parents.

As i discovered that there was close to only 100 days of the year left i decided that if i wasn’t to tell, i would write.  I would be honest and true, and each day of the 100 days i would tell my story to you, because i know that you may cry, and you may feel as i feel, but it wont affect you, and in turn wont affect me nor my courage to continue on my journey, because i wont see your tears.

“I am an open book, these are my pages, they will be read, but kept untold, as i do not want my pain to be your pain, i want only my happiness to be your happiness.”

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Day One of 100 – Where are you God?

September 23, 2009 0 Comments

Today is Day One of the 100 Day count down, i don’t know what is going to happen, i don’t know where this blog will take us, all i know is that i am going to be honest because “Honesty is what the heart desires and the strongest of love, hope & faith comes only from honesty.”

dandelion in sunlight

I am a christian, i believe in God and i trust that there is a plan for me out there, that for some reason there is an explanation behind my infertility.  That this is meant to make me a stronger person or something, my boss has told me on many occasions that i need to find the “gift” in this – i wish, what possible gift could come of this, what could i possibly learn from this? What reason is there behind denying a woman the right to conceive and carry a child? Will someone tell me where God is now?

It says in the good book that no womb shall be barren (or something along the lines of that) and i believe that one day i will be pregnant, that God is behind all this, and i believe that these thoughts that God has deserted me will pass, but at this very moment, and this point in time, i truly feel like God has forgotten about me… Why am i so confused, why does this torment me so? And why oh why does it hurt so very much?

I know that i am not perfect, i know that i am no better than anyone else, but i live my life honestly and healthily.  I exercise every day, i eat rabbit food for lunch and dinner for pete’s sake!  I’ve never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never abused my body in any manner, never been a slut, never had an abortion, my worst habit would be caffeine and gum… so again i ask WHY ME?

I sit here and i am just really feeling sorry for myself, and i know that after a good nights sleep i will find my faith again, but why is the world against me? What on earth have i done to deserve this crap? Or why do i sit here wondering why everyone else can have babies and i can’t? (even though i know that last comment isn’t true) or why do crack whores get babies and i don’t? Or why on earth don’t i get to have a mother, nor do i get to be a mother?  And why can’t i just snap out of it, and forget about having babies altogether and live my life without them.  Or why was it me that drove past a woman with a child in a pram, a child holding onto the pram, she was about 8 months pregnant and smoking… could i NOT have noticed that? PL-EA-SE oh God!

I believe in God and everything that he offers to me, like my husband says – its what gets me through, but right now i am angry so very angry – and im not sure if that is allowed, but i am.  I want to cry out to the heavens and ask what the point of living your life as a good little christian girl is, doing work for charity, never doing drugs, never hurting anyone intentially, always trying the best you can, if what feels like God just throwing the whole thing back in your face and basically saying “I’d rather a drug addict raise one of my children then you”  its not what i believe in my heart of hearts, but it is what i feel…. And it makes me scared that such powerful emotions can be felt.

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Inspiration-less…. Inspiration Overload!

September 22, 2009 0 Comments

desktop2What happens when you lose your inspiration? OR rather it may be classified as over inspired? What happens when you have a thousand ideas running through your head, when you have so many words to say, so many stories to tell, so many experiences so much inside of you that you think you could just explode?

Today my fingers just cant type fast enough, my thoughts are all swirling and i have no idea what to write, which story to tell, which point to start at… I’m sitting here with 20 minutes left of my lunch break listening to my favorite song of the moment, wondering which story i should tell today…  Should i tell you more about my mom make the tears flow down your cheeks, should i tell you the boring story of how i got to the point of IVF – a story that is not much more then any other IVF story, or do i write something that will make you feel so warm and fuzzy inside you just have to smile?

Tomorrow marks the beginning of my journey my 100 day count will officially begin… so in the last 7 minutes i will replay my song and let you know how i got to this point, short and sweet…

There are many places i could say my IVF journey begun, but for me i think it begun with a gut feeling nearly 5 years ago… For a brief moment somewhere along the lines i can remember the thought running through my head that i may not be able to have children, but at that point in my life the thought didn’t concern me much, as i was not ready.

So progress along the time line 4 years, my husband and i decided (this took about a month or so of arguing) to stop taking contraception… with the thought that we would just go on life as normal and if i fell pregnant then that was great, no stress, no pressure, we weren’t telling anyone… perfect.

So what went wrong?  Honestly i’m still not sure, and on top of that i am still not sure how i got to the point of IVF… it has all gone so quickly, i have on many occasions compared this part of my life to a nightmare, and in fact, in my mind it is as hazy as a nightmare is when you first wake from it.

But no matter how i got here,  i am here on the IVF journey.  We have spent the best part of the year trying IUI’s and most recently a failed IVF Cycle – which in fact is a story of its own that i will have to tell another day as my remaining seven minutes has quickly past…

To end todays somewhat inspiration-less thoughts i look up to my work wall where a card has been pinned… Inside it has a quote that means more then the words could ever say simply because someone dear to me wrote it in that card when i needed it most of all…

“Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all” Dale Carnegie

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Is it Envy or Jealousy?

September 21, 2009 0 Comments

eyes

ENVY: a feeling of discontent with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions

JEALOUSY: resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage,  or against another’s success or advantage itself

Envy and jealousy are very close in meaning. Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another .  Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves. (dictonary.com)

It is not that often as an adult we get our meanings confused, and call me naive, silly, or just plain stupid, but last weekend i got jealousy and envy mixed up. Whoops!

In the past it was not often that i would feel either of the two emotions, but as my journey continues, and my situation worsens and as i wake up to another day in this nightmare where i find myself still not pregnant i have found that the smallest of things creates these emotions inside of me that just don’t fit within my personality. Or more honestly – that i don’t want as a part of my personality.

I would have to say that now that i have understood the difference between the two emotions of envy and jealousy, it is not jealousy that has become a part of my emotions, it is envy.  As i understand it to be jealousy comes with hate, and by no means do i hate anyone for their fortune, especially the ones i love most of all.

I’m sure this is a normal emotion surrounded with other IVF patients, but how i really wish i could get rid of it!  I walk down the street and see a mother and child – ohh there you go – envious.  I hear another family member is pregnant, a friend is pregnant – ohh there it is again.  And what about when others you know are going through the same journey as you?  Even then, the envy just swerms around, churning in my belly, making me more and more anxious, more and more angry that my stupid body wont just work.

Even though my thoughts and feelings of envy are so strong, and even though i wish that things were different for me, i know that at this point in time i can say with 100% certainty that there is no resentment or hate that surrounds me.  These people i envy they deserve what they have, and i am in no way better than they are, and therefore i am able to live with my emotions, and once again in this moment appreciate life and end my thoughts today on a happy note…


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