HOPE: The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that the events will turn out for the best.
My life to date has been nothing but extraordinary. I have lived through a thousand different journeys, some tougher than others, but if i could change them i wouldn’t, simply because they have made me the person i am today, and simply because without my past i may not be where i am right now – looking over the water and wriggling my toes in the sand.
A huge part of my journey to date, and i would have to say one of the most significant events in my life took place nearly 15 years ago to the date.
I always thought that i was strong and that i was a survivor, that this event was in that past and in no way affected me or my state of mind right now. I was wrong. This year is probably one of the first years i have cried out loud and said the word to my husband i never dreamed i would “i want my mom”. It sounds like i am five years old and have had a nightmare right? That’s how i feel – like i want to wake from my nightmare and have my mom hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
15 years ago my sister and i watched my mom die – although at the time no one told me she was dying. The evil bastard cancer took her – I was only 11.
I grew up thinking I could survive without her, that i was strong, that what i didn’t know wouldn’t hurt me. But this year it seems, i need a mom. Yes i have people who support me, i have a beautiful mother in law, a step mom, and i have friends who would move the earth for me if they could. But it is not the same. For some reason, and i may be just wishing on the fact that i know no better, but i honestly believe that if i had a mom, this year would have been easier, and maybe the next 100 would be easier as well.
The closest i have to a mom is my sister, and you will surely learn over the next 100 days just how much of an inspiration she is, and just how much she has given up in her life for me.
As i sit here now looking out at the sea, all my sadness of losing a mother, and all of my sadness from my hardship this year seems tiny in compasison to this view, and i sit here and i realize that life is always what you make of it, and right now right in this moment, i am happy…
