Day three of IVF cycle - 150 iu's FSH
Day 18... We made it to embryo transfer -wohooo!
"We may run, walk, stumble, drive or fly. But let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey, or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way." Gloria Gaither
Day 18 - Meeting with the scientist before the transfer. Before the appointment i was told to drink about a litre of water for a full bladder. So today of all days the doctor was about half an hour late, and at this point i was about to wet my pants! Before the transfer was the meeting with the scientist, who showed me the one, yes thats right out of 16 follicles, 8 eggs, five fertilised, only one embryo survived the distance! HOW ON EARTH DO PEOPLE FALL PREGNANT BY ACCIDENT?
The transfer consisted of having my legs in stirips for about half an hour with a doctor, a nurse, and a scientist playing around in my uterus while i desperately tried not to pee on them, after all that there was an embryo inside of me... YEAH - now the 10 day wait begins...
During my ten days i not only pondered the meaning of life, i wondered about what i would do if this didnt work, would i go on? Maybe i would become a baker (dont ask!) maybe we would move to the sunshine coast, maybe i would move to the sunshine coast, start a new life... But then this predicament would surly come around again. I also managed to not only run into another car, but i got myself a large parking ticket and almost watched my car be towed away... Maybe i should become a local baker and walk to work, anything has got to be better than this.
Day 28 - Blood test day, i have told this story before - Friday 4th September the emotions were just so overwhelming, i thought all my dreams had come true... But it just wasnt meant to be. Was God taking away what i shouldnt have endeavored into? Was i being punished once more for something i had done in a previous life? Why? Why me? Why give me my miracle then take it away? What have i done to deserve this? What has my husband and i done to deserve this?
I couldnt figure out my emotions, just as i still can not figure out my emotions right now. I am sick of being confused, i am sick of being scared that i am doing the wrong thing, i am sick of it all, sick of having to watch every penny, sick of worrying if we will be able to afford this next time, sick of telling my husband that he cant spend any money. Sick of thinking that i am going to send us both broke because of my need, my desire to have children, sick of thinking that it wont happen anyway, sick of making out that my biggest concern in life is whether or not to put one or two embryo's back in. Just sick, sick like i want to vomit.
The saying says that we shouldnt miss the rainbow along the way - maybe people are learning from me, maybe for some reason this is my time to help someone, maybe this is my time to repay my sister for all she has done for me over my life, by showing her how blessed she is, maybe it is my time to learn how to deal with my emotions, maybe it is my time to figure out my feelings from the past, bring everything to the surface and release it before i continue on. But what if it is not, what if it is all just a horrible horrible irreversible joke?
What if my life, my very existence - is just a joke?
Where would the rainbow be then?
