ENVY: a feeling of discontent with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions
JEALOUSY: resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, or against another’s success or advantage itself
Envy and jealousy are very close in meaning. Envy denotes a longing to possess something awarded to or achieved by another . Jealousy, on the other hand, denotes a feeling of resentment that another has gained something that one more rightfully deserves. (dictonary.com)
It is not that often as an adult we get our meanings confused, and call me naive, silly, or just plain stupid, but last weekend i got jealousy and envy mixed up. Whoops!
In the past it was not often that i would feel either of the two emotions, but as my journey continues, and my situation worsens and as i wake up to another day in this nightmare where i find myself still not pregnant i have found that the smallest of things creates these emotions inside of me that just don’t fit within my personality. Or more honestly – that i don’t want as a part of my personality.
I would have to say that now that i have understood the difference between the two emotions of envy and jealousy, it is not jealousy that has become a part of my emotions, it is envy. As i understand it to be jealousy comes with hate, and by no means do i hate anyone for their fortune, especially the ones i love most of all.
I’m sure this is a normal emotion surrounded with other IVF patients, but how i really wish i could get rid of it! I walk down the street and see a mother and child – ohh there you go – envious. I hear another family member is pregnant, a friend is pregnant – ohh there it is again. And what about when others you know are going through the same journey as you? Even then, the envy just swerms around, churning in my belly, making me more and more anxious, more and more angry that my stupid body wont just work.
Even though my thoughts and feelings of envy are so strong, and even though i wish that things were different for me, i know that at this point in time i can say with 100% certainty that there is no resentment or hate that surrounds me. These people i envy they deserve what they have, and i am in no way better than they are, and therefore i am able to live with my emotions, and once again in this moment appreciate life and end my thoughts today on a happy note…
