Today is Day One of the 100 Day count down, i don’t know what is going to happen, i don’t know where this blog will take us, all i know is that i am going to be honest because “Honesty is what the heart desires and the strongest of love, hope & faith comes only from honesty.”
I am a christian, i believe in God and i trust that there is a plan for me out there, that for some reason there is an explanation behind my infertility. That this is meant to make me a stronger person or something, my boss has told me on many occasions that i need to find the “gift” in this – i wish, what possible gift could come of this, what could i possibly learn from this? What reason is there behind denying a woman the right to conceive and carry a child? Will someone tell me where God is now?
It says in the good book that no womb shall be barren (or something along the lines of that) and i believe that one day i will be pregnant, that God is behind all this, and i believe that these thoughts that God has deserted me will pass, but at this very moment, and this point in time, i truly feel like God has forgotten about me… Why am i so confused, why does this torment me so? And why oh why does it hurt so very much?
I know that i am not perfect, i know that i am no better than anyone else, but i live my life honestly and healthily. I exercise every day, i eat rabbit food for lunch and dinner for pete’s sake! I’ve never smoked a cigarette, never done drugs, never abused my body in any manner, never been a slut, never had an abortion, my worst habit would be caffeine and gum… so again i ask WHY ME?
I sit here and i am just really feeling sorry for myself, and i know that after a good nights sleep i will find my faith again, but why is the world against me? What on earth have i done to deserve this crap? Or why do i sit here wondering why everyone else can have babies and i can’t? (even though i know that last comment isn’t true) or why do crack whores get babies and i don’t? Or why on earth don’t i get to have a mother, nor do i get to be a mother? And why can’t i just snap out of it, and forget about having babies altogether and live my life without them. Or why was it me that drove past a woman with a child in a pram, a child holding onto the pram, she was about 8 months pregnant and smoking… could i NOT have noticed that? PL-EA-SE oh God!
I believe in God and everything that he offers to me, like my husband says – its what gets me through, but right now i am angry so very angry – and im not sure if that is allowed, but i am. I want to cry out to the heavens and ask what the point of living your life as a good little christian girl is, doing work for charity, never doing drugs, never hurting anyone intentially, always trying the best you can, if what feels like God just throwing the whole thing back in your face and basically saying “I’d rather a drug addict raise one of my children then you” its not what i believe in my heart of hearts, but it is what i feel…. And it makes me scared that such powerful emotions can be felt.