Day 10 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

Isn’t it funny how some people come into your life, help you make just one small change in some way, and you later realize that this little change was something bigger than you ever imagined?

For me today was a day for little discoveries.  This morning i was having a conversation with my brother in law, which was on the topic of hugging.  A few days ago i posted 25 Random Things and number 19 was “I don’t like hugs – i have a bubble”, my brother in law was quite confused by this because of late we have been hugging hello and goodbye, and after reading my post was quite concerned about ‘intruding’ into my bubble…

Now the thing with my 25 random things was that i actually wrote it at the beginning of this year, and as i spoke with my brother in law, and later this afternoon as i drove home i thought about this year and all i have been through and all that i have been taught by the people i love.

As i explained to my brother in law, at this point in time i no longer have a bubble, i have been taught to appreciate the value of a great hug from someone you love.  But how did i get here? How come i now let people hug me?  One person, Lady Lavelle.  Not so long ago i began a new job, before this job i was working in an office full of older people, so there was no giggling, and diffidently no hugging.  I quite clearly remember when i started in my new office being surrounded by girls my age finding it quite bizarre that every morning everyone hugged, and even more bizarre that every afternoon they all told each other they loved each other and hugged again.  About a month into working in the office, the girls also began telling me they loved me, and hugs started coming my way… I of course i was quite uncomfortable with this and tried to brush it off by being funny and saying  “I think it is too soon…”

Progress along the time line, and now i am the one telling the new girls in the office that i love them, greeting them with hugs and such phrases as “hey lover”… And again i say, how did i get here? how did i lose my bubble?

My Lady Lavelle – and thats where i was this afternoon and why i was thinking back.  On my way home i realized just how much some people can change you for the better, Lavelle was the girl in the office that never gave up on me, no matter how much i resisted the hugs, no matter how much i cringed at being told i was loved, she kept telling me, kept hugging me, somehow knowing just when i needed a hug, and most importantly just knowing what to say when i needed it most of all.

Some friends are there for you when they think you need them.  I know that i have a friend who is there for me when i need someone just to simply tell me to keep going, and that i can do this.

I have learnt that there really are people in this world that care for you… just because. And i have learnt that there are people that will teach you the value of the simplest things in life… Like a hug.

“Happiness is an unexpected hug.” ~Author Unknown

Day 9 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

Today i have felt nauseous all day.  I am not sure, but i think it is the oestrogen combined with this cold that is sticking around… Plus maybe add in a little anxiety about my appointment on monday… Not sure what to expect plus i am a little worried that my lining wont be thick enough and i will have to wait more… Oh how i hate the waiting game!

I also spent most of today in the office alone… And what happens when your alone?  You think… I began thinking why it is that when something in our lives goes horribly wrong in our lives we look for a reason?

I have over the duration of this year spent a lot of time thinking up many many reasons as to why i am in this predicament, looking for reasons as to why i ‘deserve’ this, and the reason behind my infertility…And boy have i come up with some doosies..

1. Maybe i am meant to help people through my experiences
2. Maybe something is going to happen to me, and not having a child is for the better
3. Maybe it didnt work this time because the timing wasnt right
4. Maybe someone somewhere needs me more than my future baby… or
5. Maybe i just have bad karma?

The truth is none of us ‘deserve’ this, and there is no real rhyme or reason behind it – i know that.  But it does seem that whenever something goes wrong, whether it is infertility, death, sickness, loss of a job, a breakup or anything significantly bad, we search and search and search for something to make us feel better about the situation.

Me, my searching comes down to my need for hope, i need to feel like this isnt just life, like there is purpose, like i have purpose.  I need a reason so that i can find an answer, so that i can stop wondering what i did wrong and just continue on with my journey, with my life, without the searching and without the sense that i am forever going to be wondering what i did to ‘deserve’ this.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” Don Williams Jr.

Day 8 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

I think i spoke too soon yesterday.  Well maybe not spoke to soon so much as had a change of mood… Or maybe just a bad day…? Or maybe it is a mood side effect of the oestrogen?  Im not sure, i never know anymore if my moods are me or if they are the hormones.

*SIGH*

Today was totally a “I want to be pregnant now” day…  We all have them…  Well all those fertility challenged couples anyway, and i tried, i tried really hard to get out of that frame of mind…

I had thought it was a “I want to be pregnant now” moment… but the moment turned into a minute, the minute to an hour, and the hour turned  into the day…

*SIGH* Again

My skin is awful, i feel fat, and i am getting a cold (for that i blame DH)

I really hate being a “misery guts” and i really tried today with the positive thinking and i tried the whole making exciting plans for the weekend thing, and i tried by reminding myself i have a great new dress hanging in my wordrobe just waiting to be worn… BUT ITS NOT WORKING!

Misery guts is just hanging around… being a pain in the rear end…

It almost makes me think that this FET cycle is emotionaly more toremnting than the IVF cycle… You cant do anything but wait.  There is no pain to focus on, no needles to “worry” about, no EPU to think about, no eggs to hope for, no jokes to be made about DH sperm… Just waiting, waiting, waiting…

Doctors appointment and a scan on monday, but after that, still more waiting, waiting, waiting, and then there will be the dreaded two week wait…

*SIGH*

I’m going to blow my nose and go to bed…

Tomorrow will be a better day

Misery guts out…

“Courage doesn’t always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow’” Mary Anne Radmacher

Day 5 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

For those who have a dream, a dream that seems so out of reach you dont know who you are or why you begun this journey in the first place, i write this for you.

May you see past the emotional turmoil, and may you find the inspiration you need,

May you realize just who your true friends are, and may you forgive those who turned against you,

May you laugh with those who understand, and may you cry with those you love,

May you see past the intense pain, and may you have the courage to continue,

May you wipe away your tears, may you let your heart have hope, and may you dream each day of unimaginable, untold beauty where dreams once drempt have become reality….

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.” James Dean

Day TBA – Embryo Transfer Cycle

Yesterday when i was searching for just a little bit of hope, i found something on the ol facebook i typed almost a year ago now.  It was one of those notes that go round and round, and eventually you just have to do it for yourself and send it around to all your ‘friends’

Funnily enough, it reminded me of who i was at the beginning of this year, it reminded me how much hope and faith i had, this little note reminded me that i am a strong woman,  and it reminded me that nearly a year later i must realize that there is more to life, and as such today i picked myself off my bathroom floor, put a smile on my face and began believing in the woman that i was, the woman that i had grown to be, and the woman that i know i am.

So without further a-doo i present to you 25 random things about me – Now you know who i really am and if you have time feel free to write me a few random things about yourself – I’d love some inspiration!

1. I have learnt many interesting things about people by reading their 25 random things

2. The most beautiful thing in the world is the sunrise; nothing gives me more hope, inspiration and a reassuring belief that there must be a God.

3. I don’t understand why society now says i am different, and why people constantly pick on me because i choose to eat healthy, and because i choose to exercise. If i ate chocolate and sat on my ass all day i would be ridiculed less then what i am now.

4. I suffer from a mild case of Lupus, however i am grateful that i am fit and healthy and can live a relatively normal life

5. I can’t spell

6. I love colour, i love everything about colour, colour gives me a fire in my belly, gives me inspiration, makes me excited, let me pick colours!!

7. My most favorite thing in the world is running down a hill as fast as i can with my eyes shut and my arms out feeling the wind go by

8.When i am feeling sad i will sit in my car with a sad song on as loud as it can possibly go while crying and singing at the top of my lungs – i also often bang my hands on the steering wheel!

9. On the 26.12.2008 i tripped for the first time ever while running, i think it would have been the funniest thing ever and I’m a little upset that it wasn’t caught on video! I still have a scare on my left knee

10. I haven’t visited my mom’s grave in 12 years i think… I believe her memory belongs in my heart not on a rock at a cemetery

11. I married the first boy i ever fell in true love with… and because of that i have never had my heart broken by a man… and hope i never will

12. I wrote this is 1999 “Sometimes the world we live in is so far from reality we are unable to accept life as it really is…”

13. i wrote this 2 years later in 2001 “..and sometimes it is the people we love who make us realise how important it is to return to reality and believe not only in the beauty and inspirations friendships can offer, but to believe in a reality where we can discover who we really are…”

14. I think i use … too often…

15. I am a waffler – which means i talk too much and type emails that are too long.

16. I think that sometimes the hardest thing in life is to be who we really are.

17. I don’t think I’ll ever be satisfied with the way i look

18. I think it takes an amazing amount of courage to tell someone you love them

19. I don’t like hugs – i have a bubble

20. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over two years

21. The piano is by far the most beautiful sound any instrument can make, just to close my eyes and listen… hmmmm inspirational!

22. I believe in God, but i believe that everyone has the right to believe in what they want to believe in and i would never force my beliefs on someone else. Because i believe in God i feel i have hope and when times are tough i pray.

23. I sometimes wish i were more successful – but you know what? I’m happy!

24. Guess who i wrote number 25 for…

25. Of all the times I’ve said i love you and of all the times I’ve told you i care, i never told you i never expected it to be this hard and i never realised that there would be so many obstacles. But of all the years we’ve been together i would never have said it wasn’t worth it and i would never have told you that I’d rather be with anyone else or anywhere other than here….

“Don’t ever regret the past nor dread the future.  Live each day at a time and cherish the moments with the ones you love.” Cheryl Schull