Day Seventeen of IVF Cycle
We are all scared of something.
Different points in our lives make us scared of different things.
Last night i was scared just as today i am scared. Scared that my body is not recuperating from the EPU as well as it did last time, scared that this means that i have little chance of falling pregnant, scared that i will have to do this again, scared that my desire to be a mother will take over my common sense.
My body aches inside and out, and normally i would run hard and fast, get the frustration out, but i am scared, scared to push myself in case i hurt my chances, scared that i will bleed, scared that i will be told no. Im like the girl who wont go ice skating in case she falls through.
Not only am i scared, i am hunted as well.
I am haunted day and night by the thought of not being a mother.
And that makes me feel sorry.
Sorry to all those i have hurt.
Sorry to those who think i have gone too far, or to those who think i have changed, who think it is not worth it.
I am sorry that i feel like something took my childhood away, and like something took my chance to be a mother away. Wouldnt you be scared? Wouldnt you change? Wouldnt you cry? Wouldnt you scream – WHY? Why did you take my innocence? Why did you take my dreams?
I have no answers.
Just as you have no answers.
Only words.
There are worse things in life, i know, but when all you have are words and no answers – you are haunted, you are scared, and you can not be who you were,
only who are now – a scared, confused, haunted little girl…
Sanity maybe madness, but the maddest of all is to see life as it is and not as it should be. Don Quixote.
