Day 9 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily
Today i have felt nauseous all day. I am not sure, but i think it is the oestrogen combined with this cold that is sticking around… Plus maybe add in a little anxiety about my appointment on monday… Not sure what to expect plus i am a little worried that my lining wont be thick enough and i will have to wait more… Oh how i hate the waiting game!
I also spent most of today in the office alone… And what happens when your alone? You think… I began thinking why it is that when something in our lives goes horribly wrong in our lives we look for a reason?
I have over the duration of this year spent a lot of time thinking up many many reasons as to why i am in this predicament, looking for reasons as to why i ‘deserve’ this, and the reason behind my infertility…And boy have i come up with some doosies..
- Maybe i am meant to help people through my experiences
- Maybe something is going to happen to me, and not having a child is for the better
- Maybe it didnt work this time because the timing wasnt right
- Maybe someone somewhere needs me more than my future baby… or
- Maybe i just have bad karma?
The truth is none of us ‘deserve’ this, and there is no real rhyme or reason behind it – i know that. But it does seem that whenever something goes wrong, whether it is infertility, death, sickness, loss of a job, a breakup or anything significantly bad, we search and search and search for something to make us feel better about the situation.
Me, my searching comes down to my need for hope, i need to feel like this isnt just life, like there is purpose, like i have purpose. I need a reason so that i can find an answer, so that i can stop wondering what i did wrong and just continue on with my journey, with my life, without the searching and without the sense that i am forever going to be wondering what i did to ‘deserve’ this.
“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” Don Williams Jr.
