Day twenty-five of IVF cycle – 4 sleeps until first blood test, 7 sleeps until confirmation blood test.
You say you understand, but you dont.
You say you know how i feel, but you dont.
You say that this is no excuse, but it is.
I can not control the tears, i can not control the way i am expressing my emotions, the intensity, i can not control anything. I am hurting, hurting from places i didnt think it was possible to hurt from. No matter how many tears i cry no matter how much i wish it away or think positively – the pain isnt going away.
I am okay, i will be okay in the end, i know that i will be okay, and i know i am loved, but the pain, the pain is still there.
It is there deep inside, a ball growing stronger and stronger, feeding on the hormones i am injecting twice everyday.
You dont understand, even if you think you do, you cant. Every one is different, each emotion in everyone is felt uniquely, so you couldnt possibly understand. Just as i coulnt possibly understand how you are feeling.
15 years ago when i was 12 people said they understood, they said they felt my pain, they said they knew what i was feeling. But how could they?
Now 15 years later at 27, they tell me they understand, they tell me they feel my pain, they say that they know what i am feeling. But how could they?
How can anyone possibly understand the inner workings of my brain, 15 years ago or now, or 15 years from now? I dont even understand. I dont even know the difference between my thoughts and the hormones thoughts and actions. How can they know how the hormones are altering me?
I want to be myself again, my husband wants me back.
Iwant me back, we both really really want me back.
But i, we, want a child of our own more…
So try understanding that?
Many cant, many wont, many will judge me, and some will once again tell me they understand…
“The heart has reasons that reason does not understand.” Jacques Benigne Bossuel
