Day twenty-four of IVF cycle – 5 sleeps until first blood test, 8 sleeps until confirmation blood test.
I hate this i really really do.
We are at the beach and all i want to do is sit here and enjoy the scenery – but i cant.
I cant because all i see are families. And i cant because i still have cramps. And i cant because i am pastey pale and have to sit in the cold shade.
I am suppose to be part of the family – and not in the way you are thinking. We are here at the beach with my step son. I should be playing in the sand with them, i should be enjoying the little time we have together – but i cant because he isnt mine.
So many times i have been told that he is part of my family and i should see him as my own, have some sort of ‘connection’ with him… But i dont.
When this all started, when the infertility began, besides hurtful comments like, ‘arn’t you just being impatient’ and ‘just relax, your time will come’, everyone said to me, and i mean everyone, ‘at least you have your step son’
Yes, yes i do have a step son, and yes, yes i do love him very very much and i do treasure the moments we spend together – but no, no he is not my son, he has a mother. I didnt grow him inside of me, i did not give birth to him, and i did not watch him grow from a tiny baby.
I do not have a special connection with him – and he does not fill the childless void in my heart. And if that makes me a disgusting, horrid, evil, unworthy person that does not deserve her own – then so be it – he is not my son, he is my husbands son, and my beautiful step son.
I know that some feel that this makes me the worst partner, and a disgusting person, but i can not help the way i feel, and i have spoken to other women who feel the same, i know that i am not alone. Just as i know that i am evil and deserve to be punished like this because of it – this is the reason for my infertility. This is why God hates me so much, because i cant even see my step child as my own. Maybe this is why i dont deserve my own children, why i dont deserve a child, why i now have been through 2 failed IVF attempts, why we have spent $15,000 this year on help – just to have it thrown right back in my face, why i have lost faith and hope.
I dont deserve to have children let alone deserve what i have in my life now.
Today i am miserable, and not even sipping a skinny latte watching the waves crash down over the rocks, listening to the peace and quiet, not even taking a deep breath fo fresh air can help.
I am miserable, just miserable – But i know that i must go on.
I MUST GO ON…
“Life must go on; I forget just why.” Edna St. Vincent Millay
