2009 November

Day Sixty Nine of 100 – Get me out of here!

November 30, 2009 0 Comments

Day three of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH

There is a dark cloud of self pity and loathing hanging around my head and i need to escape it, i need to see the sunshine again, i need to wake from this nightmare once more. I need to know that i am okay, that i will be okay, i need to know that i am not a failer, i need to know that someones hand is going to reach down any second now and pull me from this deep hole i have dug myself into.

i look forward to the day when this is but a bad dream, and i look forward to the day when i can look back at myself and laugh. I cant wait until this becomes a journel of my past, something that reminds me each and every day how i overcame all of my fears and doubts.

I know in my heart that there is a path out there in front of me waiting for my footsteps to make imprints in the dirt, and while i do not know yet what direction that path leads me, i look forward to that day where i can turn around, look back, and i realise that i was never alone, the day when i realise that each choice i made was the right one, and lead me to a place where i was content, and led me to a place where i know that there was always a hand pulling me from the hole i dug.

“Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.” George Lies

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Sixty Eight of 100 – I learnt a valuable lesson today

November 29, 2009 0 Comments

Day two of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle

I learnt something that i will never forget today.

Over the past year, i have learnt alot, but i think today i will take away the most important lesson that can be learnt in ones life.

I learnt that my pain, is not just my pain anymore, i now understand that my pain is my sisters pain too.

I thought that i was the only one that could cry and hurt from places so deep that i never thought i would stop. I thought that i was the only one who could feel as confused as i do and i thought i was the only one that didnt understand why this was happening to me, the only one to feel cheated…

But again i say, i was wrong.

This morning i saw my sister cry and hurt so hard for me i didnt know what to do.

The person who is my rock, the person who gave up everything for me, the person who would give her life for me, cant help me this time, and it is killing her.

I want this more than anything in this world, but today i saw how much my sister wants this for me too. I saw her cry the way that i do, i know now that when we got that negative on wednesday, it was her pain too. I never really understood that until today.

Today i realised just how invested my sister is in my life, i realised that i may not have had a mother growing up, but i have someone better than a mother, i have a sister who would give me anything, i have a sister that would give up everything for me if it made me happy, and i sit here crying so hard, i sit here wishing that i could repay her in someway, i sit here not knowing which words are the right words, i sit here wishing that i had realized sooner just how hard this is for her…

Today i learnt that my sister is as vanrable to the pain of infertility as my husband and i are, and i now pray that this time is a postive so that i can see not only the happiness it brings my husband and i, but so that i can see the happiness in my sisters eyes as she brings her son into the world knowing that he will have a cousin to play with in 9 months time.

Mrs Angell, i love you more than anything in this world, and just as you would for me, i would die for you – dont you dare ever forget how much i love you, and dont you dare ever forget that this is not your fault, and that there is nothing we can do about this but pray and hope…

“A sister is a gift from God, sent from above to make life worthwhile here below.”

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Sixty Seven of 100 – The final 33 days in our quest to chase our little miracle…

November 28, 2009 0 Comments

With just 33 inspiring days to go, i have only a few small words for tonight…

Today is day one of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle.

This year has certainly been tough, i have been through more than i could have ever imagined, the emotions i have felt have been to the absolute extremes, and i dont think i could handle another year like that. I keep thinking that if i stop and if i give up i wont be able to find happiness, but i know deep down that that is a lie.

This year my husband and i have learnt so much, and grown so much in our relationship, so much so that i would never ever ever say that this journey was not worth it. I have learnt that my husband does care, and i have learnt that deep down under the facade of “whatever” there is more, he wants what i want, but more than that, he just wants me to be happy. And to me that knowledge is worth all the turmoil we have endured, and has made this journey worth while.

So with the knowledge that while it was hard, and while it was worth it, it still is what it is – emotional turmoil, and because of that this is the last time for a while we will do this. I am not saying that this is the end, but if this doesnt work, it is the end for a while. Im not sure where my life’s journey will take me after this, but i am sure there is something amazing out there waiting to happen to me.

And for now i still hold on to that little whisper of hope that says it is motherhood.

“The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.” Don Williams Jr.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Sixty Six of 100 – Confusion is a curse

November 27, 2009 0 Comments

To my dearest little miracle,

I am so confused right now i am not sure what to do, your father and i think we may have decided that this is the last time we will chase you. Our minds are exhausted from all this turmoil and anguish, we are not even sure that doing this one last time is the right thing to do, but i dont think i am ready yet to give in yet, to say good bye to you.

I am, like your father scared and confused, i am not sure what God’s will is, and i again am not sure if what we are doing is right, but in my mind all i can think is that i said i would chase you for 100 days, and child, there is still 34 days to go on this challenge.

Putting a time line on such a challenge may not have been wise, putting your creation in the words ‘a challenge’ may not be wise either, but had had no other choice than to put this journey in terms that make it bearable, that would make it something other than what it is.

I am torn my child, every person is saying stop, everyone i love is telling me enough is enough, even your father is so unsure, that now i believe this time, he is only doing it for me.

A friend gave me some words that run through my head even now as i write you this letter “when the world shouts give up, hope whispers one more time” this time my child, this time is for hope.

And my hope is only that you will one day read this letter and know just how much my heart desired you…

Love from a mother that may never be.

Filed Under: To my miracle

Day Sixty Five of 100 – I am thankful for…

November 26, 2009 0 Comments

I’m not sure why, but where i live we do not celebrate thanksgiving. I dont know the reason behind the holiday, nor do i know the history, but i understand the meaning in the title, and i understand that for many today is the day where they reflect on what they have and what they are thankful for.

Yesterday my dream of becoming a mommy was taken away from me once more and put on a shelf well out of my reach. I’m not quite sure why, and im not even sure there is even a meaning or reason behind this infertility pain, but today i woke up and as i noticed people beginning to get excited about their holiday of thanks, i realized that i can not wallow, i can not let this defeat me, i must remember all the great things in my life, and once again dust of my skirt, take a deep breath, and be grateful for the opportunity that the month of december will bring, and who knows, maybe there will be a little magic this christmas in the IVF clinic…

THE TEN THINGS I AM THANKFUL FOR IN 2009

I am thankful that i have an understanding and caring husband that no matter what will stand by me and tell me that everything will be okay. A man who each month of this past year has picked me off the bathroom floor and put me back together again
I am thankful for my Angell’s – for without them i wouldnt have this blog, i wouldnt have half as much hope as i have right now, and i wouldnt have the times when there was nothing more to say than just a simple i love you
I am thankful for my health, i am thankful that i can run, and i am thankful that each day i am able to wake up and feel alive and well
I am thankful for the sunrise and the inspiration that it gives me, without it i dont think i would have half as much faith that i do
I am thankful for my job, while sometimes it is hard, and while sometimes i wish i could do my work better, i have a good job, and earn a good living, and work with some of the most understanding people i know
I am thankful that IVF in Aus is affordable, and while the Government is changing the rules i am grateful that this year i was able to do three full IVF cycles, and recieve a conciderable amount back.
I am thankful for my family, and my family in laws, without their support i again would not have gotten this far through. I am especally greatful for my step sister, she helps me everyday through my faith, and even yesterday gave me a verse to remember to trust in the Lord, and all the wonder he has to offer
I am thankful that i have a roof over my head, food on the table and the clothes on my back
I am thankful for those little moments, the ones where you realise just who you are and what you have right now, the ones where yesterday’s nightmares will remain in the past, where tomorrows fears will remain in the the future, and all there is is right here right now – and it is just perfect
And lastly i am thankful for the past 65 days. I have gone through hell and back, i have struggled, i have cried, i have had my heart broken to the point where i did not think the pieces would fit back together, but without that, without the past 65 days, without my infertility, without the courage i found to share my journey, without that, i would not have found the friends that i found, i would not have met the people that i now talk to every day. I would not have had the opportunity to meet such a great support network, i would not have found out just how many people out there share my pain, and understand what i am going through, i would not know the love of perfect strangers, that somehow know just how much a *hug* can mean when you are hurting so much. And without the past 65 days i would never know that by just sharing my story i would be able to give others hope, inspiration, faith and peace within – even if it was just for a brief moment.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to thank with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” Albert Schweitzer

Filed Under: Top Ten

Day sixty Four of 100 (2) – Wordless Wednesday

November 25, 2009 0 Comments

Filed Under: Wordless Wednesday

Day Sixty Four of 100 – I drempt this day differently

November 25, 2009 0 Comments

End of FET Cycle

I dreamed this day would end differently and i dreamed this day would be the end of our suffering.

But i was wrong.

I wish i wasnt here and i wish so hard i was somewhere else. I dont know why i am doing this and i dont know who i am anymore.

I am so confused and scared i dont know what to do.

I dont want to be here anymore, but then what do i do?

What do i do?

I was so sure, all the sign were there.

Now i am left just a fat, scared and scared little girl who doesnt know what do do, where to go, or how to act…

I thought i was stronger than this.

I dont know if i can go on.

I just dont know what to do…

“How much of human life is lost in waiting.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Filed Under: FET

Day Sixty Three of 100 – OMG I'm going to burst!

November 24, 2009 0 Comments

Day 34 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

The anticipation is so overwhelming… It is all i can think about, i have tried and tried and tried to think of something else, ANYTHING else, but i cant!

I am excited more than anything, but im also nervous… Oh God, I have been thinking about everything today….I havent had bad cramps – great! I have had back pain – what does that mean? Im feeling positive – great again! But my boobs dont hurt – are they meant to yet? My ovaries still have some pain – again does that mean anything? Oh God oh God oh golly golly gosh.. What am i going to do with myself?

When i got home, DH asked “any cramps” i was like “no” then there was that cheeky little smile that i love so much, he is as excited as i am! He even asked if i can pee on a stick!

I have no idea how i am going to make it to tomorrow, and all this excitement – what if its negative? Oh i dont know! I dont remember being this excited the first time, or this nervous, or even filled with half as much anticipation… I will get there, I know i will get there… I just dont think i will sleep any!

And though all these emotions i know that tomorrow is going to come and quickly go, and no matter the outcome, i have told myself it is going to be okay…

“Oh yes I am wise, but it’s wisdom born of pain, yes, I’ve paid the price, but look how much I gained, if I have to, I can do anything, I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman!” Helen Reddy

Filed Under: FET

Day Sixty Two of 100 – When all you want is an escape

November 23, 2009 0 Comments

Day 33 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

You know the times when all you want to do is sleep? Not because you are tired, but because you want to escape.

This afternoon, i just wanted to fall asleep and dream of things not pregnancy or trying to conceive related, i needed an escape. But i couldnt sleep. I kept waking up.

I feel tired enough to sleep, but the anxiety seems to be taking over…

Weird cramps are worrying me, i am analysing everything, i cant help it, and the more i try to relax the more i get anxious.

I keep repeating, what will be will be, there is nothing i can do now, no matter what happens i will survive.

But i thought i had this gut feeling, that this was the one. I thought that i had the instinct and positivity about this being it, but as d day gets closer, and the more i think about it, i dont know, i just dont know.

I want so bad for this to be it, i want so bad to be pregnant with our child, not only for my sake but for my husbands too, he needs this too. We both want this so much, and for him, he is the one that has to be strong no matter what, so it is harder for him.

I still hope for the best, i havent given up, there is still a glimmer of hope and faith that this could be it…

It would just be easier to get through the next three days, if these cramps, weird pains, or whatever tricks my mind is playing on me, would just go away…

Please.

“You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” Abraham Lincoln

Filed Under: FET

Day Sixty One of 100 – At least I know when I know I'll know, if you know what i mean…

November 22, 2009 0 Comments

Day 32 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

It is the wait that every woman dreads. The wait of fears and of doubt, of tears and excitement, and the wait where nothing seems impossible and the wait where hope and faith are all we have to hold on too.

The dreaded two week wait… Where there is nothing more you can do, where everything you have ever dreamed of is left in God’s hands.

I am coming to the end of my two week wait, i have three sleeps to go, and its now that the fears really being to rise.

I have been positive this round, i went in with the goal to stay as positive as i could, no negativity, this month is the month, pregnant until proven otherwise. And i have achieved that, i am positive, DH and i speak as though this is it, i am already carrying our child, he is in there just getting ready to announce to the world via a blood test that yes, yes he is already beginning to grow into our beautiful child.

But what if i am wrong?

I dont want to think like that, i dont want those thoughts to cross my mind, but at some point, at some point… What if?

But what if i am wrong?

I know the answer, and i know that it will be okay in the end, that i will be able to pick myself up and continue on our jouney..

But what if i am wrong? The thought keeps crossing my mind, it quickly leaves, it never lingers, and i am still positive, this is the one, that our child is in there, that in a weeks time all our dreams will be realised and we will be the happiest two people on this earth…

But what if i am wrong?

“Life is like a Rubix Cube, there are countless numbers of wrong twists and turns, but when you get it right, it looks perfect no matter what way you look at it” Brian Cramer

Filed Under: FET