2009 November

Day Sixty of 100 – Have you ever lost your inspiration?

November 21, 2009 0 Comments

Day 31 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

Have you ever lost your inspiration. Ever felt like the thoughts you once had are now gone? Have you ever wished that the songs you once sang with such passion the thoughts you once had with such strength of emotion could just come back? Have you ever wanted them back, needed them back?

Have you ever wanted to paint the pain that you once felt, the emptiness you now feel, the thoughts that you cant express, put them into colour, put in ways that people could understand? But you couldnt no matter how much you tried, you just couldnt pick up the brush?

Have you ever just sat there staring at a blank wall, a blank screen, or just stared blankly not knowing what to do, where to go, what to think, what it is your doing anymore?

Have you ever just wished that you wernt lost in this turmoil, that you inspiration wasnt lost in your confusion? Just wished that everything made sense again? Just wished that your inspiration could come from things just the way that they are?

Have you ever just felt flat, so nothing, so indescrible…

So nothing that you questioned the world, questioned your world, questioned a world that has taken your inspiration, taken your soul, and taken everything that you thought made you who you were…

Have you ever just stoped and said w.h.y? j.u.s.t p.l.a.i.n o.l.d w.h.y?

Why?

I have.

i question where my inspiration went.

For if i knew, then i could get it back again.

“The more difficulties one has to encounter, within and without, the more significant and the higher in inspiration his life will be.” Horace Bushnell

Filed Under: FET, Have you ever? Tagged With: emotions, Fertility, FET, hope, hormones, inspiration, IVF, journey

Day Fifty Nine of 100 – A little bit of fate, lead to a soul mate…

November 20, 2009 0 Comments

Day 30 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I believe in many things, and i am and have always been a ponderer. I have this habit of thinking back, and saying to myself, what was i doing this time last week, or last month or last year? I am also a little bit of a believer in fate, you know the old saying “what is meant to be will be”… Things happen for a reason.

And no, today i am not talking about infertility and the reason behind it – i think that one will always remain a mystery.

I am talking about my husband.

He is my soul mate, and fate brought us together.

It sounds really sopy but honestly, there were so many variables that may not have lead to me meeting and eventually marrying him.

December 1999 a fax was sent to our home office. My father received the fax, and as anyone would do, he read it. It was not intended for him, it was a wrong number. My father being the man that he was, rang the senders, and again being the chatty man that he is, began a long conversation with the stranger on the other end of the phone. I was eavesdropping at the time. It seemed that the person on the other end of the phone was a recruitment agency, my father was chatting up this lady, attempting to get me a job!

The next thing i can remember was heading into the city, presuming i was going to an interview at a new restaurant, i was so nervous! I turned up on time, walked into this newly renovated casual restaurant to find about 15 other young people toward the back, i walked over to the group. My only recollection from there was being thrown an apron and told what my roster was…. I was so confused, i already had the job? Didnt even have an interview!

So after working at this restaurant for about 3 months i began to emerge from my shell, and begun making some great friends… Especially with a few of the young and handsome apprentice chefs. I had a particularly HUGE crush on one of the pizza chefs… I told my best friend of the time about the pizza guy, and every second i was talking and dreaming about him.

Also at the time i had made friends with one of the other young apprentice chefs, and played silly mobile phone ‘prank calls’ game with him (This is where we used to see how many times we could ‘prank’ the other person, how many registered missed calls came up on the screen – the winner was the person who could get as many before the person cleared their screen, a little hard to explain, but a stupid teenage game that kept us up till all hours of the night)

Anyway one day i left my phone at my best friends house, and unbeknown to me she stole the number of my young apprentice chef friend, and stored it in my phone.

One night, a little while after that i finished up my shift at the restaurant, grabbed my bag to find 100 missed calls on my phone! Guess who it was, that bloody apprentice chef… So of course i called him back…

The conversation that followed, from what i remember was very awkward, but as fate had it, with out that phone conversation i wouldnt be where i am today.

The conversation began with “a little birdy told me, you liked me…” HUGH? I didnt say it out loud, but i didnt like him! NOOO! i was still head over heals for the pizza boy, but i knew he would never ask me out… sooo… i just went with it.. I sort of mumbled.. “what little birdy?” and then said yes, to “going out”

So who told the apprentice chef i liked him? My best friend. She went through my phone and thought that when i was talking about the ‘pizza boy’ i was talking about the apprentice chef, she thought i was madly in love with the apprentice chef… AND SHE TOLD HIM! What a mix up!

9 years later i am head over heals, madly in love with the apprentice chef.

And i often ponder back and think… If that fax hadnt been sent to the wrong number i may never have meet my apprentice chef.

“FATE: something that unavoidably befalls a person; that of which is inevitably predetermined”

Filed Under: Background, FET Tagged With: husband, inspiration, journey, marraige, relationship

Day Fifty Eight of 100 – The future is yours to see…

November 19, 2009 0 Comments

Day 29 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I wish i had a crystal ball, i wish i could know what was to come

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know just how to cope

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just what was waiting for me

I wish i had a crystal ball so i knew i could withstand this pain and i wish i had a crystal ball so i knew just where this pain would end

I wish i had a crystal ball, for then I would know how long this journey would last…

If i just had that crystal ball i know i would have some peace within

And if i had that crystal ball, i would know not too worry for the crystal ball would tell me that everything was going to be okay and the crystal ball would let me know that i wouldnt have to wish this wasnt me anymore…

“They say the future is yours to see, but really the future is a confusing mystery…”

Filed Under: Emotional, FET Tagged With: answers, Frustrated, inspiration, journey, pain, Sad

Day Fifty Seven – Wordless Wednesday

November 18, 2009 0 Comments

Day 28 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

Filed Under: Wordless Wednesday

Day Fifty Six of 100 – What does progesterone do during ivf?

November 17, 2009 0 Comments

Day 27 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

To be honest i am tired and i have been sitting here for about ten minutes now looking and thinking about what to write about…. And i think tonight i am going to be a little boring…

And to be doubly honest, i was being a hypocrite and using my arch enemy Dr Google… That’s right folks… I am a victim of Dr Google… I was just looking at progesterone and why i am actually using it…

Fascinating really when i Googled “what does progesterone do during ivf” my clinic’s FAQ page came up! Why didnt i think of that? Thank you Dr Google! Deeerrrr to me…

So what does it do? Because the constantness of ‘what goes in must come out’ is really putting a downer on my morning walks… ( Day Fifty Three of 100 – What was to be an “interesting” walk )

It turns out that when you ovulate normally your ovaries produce progesterone which makes the uterus ready for implantation “ Low progesterone can cause implantation failure, as its role is to vascularise and maintain the uterine lining where implantation takes place. There are two types of progesterone supplementation: progesterone vaginal pessaries, and Crinone (progesterone) vaginal gel… Progesterone, even in the form of over-the- counter creams, should not be taken before ovulation because it can block ovulation and make the cervical mucus difficult for the sperm to penetrate. Crinone and pessaries deliver progesterone in a more effective manner than oral supplementation. Be aware that Crinone is quite expensive and progesterone pessaries melt and discharge vaginally.” There you have it, something they do not tell you when you get the pessaries… They melt and discharge… nice, and thats why my walks have been so fantastic (insert sarcasum here)

But at least i know now what it is used for and why i must continue!

And in my tired state i once more say…

Repeat after me, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it….

“When the world shouts ‘give up’, hope whispers’ try one more time’” Anon

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Day Fifty Five of 100 – Flubber, oh how you make me feel miserable somtimes

November 16, 2009 0 Comments

Day 26 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

I hope this post is not taken the wrong way – but i am a little frustrated, and mostly with myself.

I am feeling fat. Under normal circumstances i would go for a run, a fast, long and hard run. But i can not, and for good reasons – and i dont mind that fact, but it doesnt change the fact that i feel fat.

Last year i was so disciplined with myself, i wouldnt eat anything unhealthy, no chocolate, no lollies, no carbs – i was awesome!

But this year slowly as the infertility issues got worse and with each hopeful proceedure, i began eating more and working out a little less as hard. i had the excuse of – ill be pregnant so it wont matter.

Now a year later. and i think i am about 5kg heavier, and right now, at this second, am just feeling fat.

I have once again, like many other, and like i have in the past, fallen victim to “emotional eating”

I have infact just finished two plates of apple crumble and ice cream.

I look at myself sometimes and think “what have i done?”

Why cant i just stop myself from eating? Why am i victim to these eating habits again? Why does food make me feel so good?

And if i cant stop myself now, how will i control it when i am pregnant and after i have my child…

i plan to go for a walk when it cools down this afternoon – but it is not enough. Why did i do that? eat two serves of apple crumble?

And why do i care so much?

I am not disgustingly unhealthy – most of the time i eat wholemeal and soy… It really just is the weekend…

I really wish that i could get rid of my ‘appearance issues’ .. they will have to go quickly when i begin to grow a belly…

Oh i dont know, i really really dont know anymore, i know i am just silly, i know that i am being stupid, but honestly i do sometimes look at myself and wish that it wasnt a struggle for me.

What should i do? How do i approach my body fears? And how can i get over my emotional eating habits, before i loath myself?

What would you do?

“How things look on the outside of us depends on how things are on the inside of us.” Anon

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: answers, Embryo, Fertility, FET, hope, hurt, questions, transfer

Day Fifity Four of 100 – A thousand questions posed, none to ever have answers

November 15, 2009 0 Comments

Day 25 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

Today as i watched a tv show where a woman had a miscarrage, i was reminded of an interview i watched on a morning show called Sunrise a few months ago.(watch the interview here – the bit i am talking about is 2mins 40 seconds into it).

It made me really being to think, when i am upset, so heart wrenchingly upset about my loss when the IVF doesnt work, am i mourning the death of my embryo because i have lost one of my babies, or am i morning simply becuase it didnt work and i have to do this process again?

It may sound stupid, and this may pose so many ethical questions, but when is a baby a baby? Where and when does human life begin?

When i miscarried after a few days, what was i mourning, did i loose a child? I didnt really think about it at the time, as i was so upset, but now, now i do feel like i have lost a part of me, and agiain i am not sure if that is because i am ‘dying’ to fall pregnant and have a child, or because i really did lose a part of me.

I have spoken to my stomach a number if times since friday, i have written a post my child i am getting ready for you my husband and i have a name that we call our embie already, but this again causes conflict in my mind, because we called the one that miscarried, the same thing.

And what about all the other frozens out there (i only have one left) what about the two last month that didnt make it? They could have been my children, three have been wasted already! Gone, dead and gone.

The IVF ethics are nearly as contraversal as the abortion ethics – when is a child a child? When does human life begin? And what are we doing here, messing with nature?

When we first looked at our contract with the clinic, it did go over specifics like if we broke up, if one of us died etc. And we didnt take the topic lightly, i thought about it for weeks. Wondering what we would do if this happened or if that happened.

How i would feel if another woman had my child in her belly…

How he would feel if another man brought up my child..

How we would both feel if we knew somewhere out there, there may or may not be a child alive that is genetically ours.

I decided in my heart i couldnt handle it. It is either together or not at all.

But then again, as we progress along this journey, i dont know, i just dont know anymore, how do you ‘dispose’ of something that could be a child, a baby, someone that you always dreamed of meeting?

I dont expect ever to get answers, and i dont expect that everyone could possibly understand, some may laugh, because we are ultimatly talking about something that is not visable with the naked eye, something that is a combination of cells – but to me and DH that combination of cells, that could be our child, the one we always dreamed of, the one that we have spent the last year, dreaming, hoping, desiring, and praying for every day.

“Life is an unanswered question, but let’s still believe in the dignity and importance of the question” Tennessee Williams

Filed Under: FET Tagged With: answers, Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, Frustrated, hope, questions, transfer

Day Fifty Three of 100 – What was to be an "interesting" walk

November 14, 2009 0 Comments

Day 24 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progesterone pessaries 3x daily

WARNING THIS POST IS CLASSIFIED

warning2

Okay OMG i have to share, and for all those out there that really dont want to know, i am warning you now this is going to be way “to much information”.

So after 2 cycles and five days of using crinone i have switched to pessaries…

… i mentioned this yesterday and there is a reason behind the switch – it comes down to $$ Thats right… at $14.00 a pop three times a day for the first trimester… there is NO WAY i can afford the Crione… in a normal IVF it is included, but as i found out in a FET none of the medications are covered.. so at $4.00 each the pessaries are the ones i must choose!

Many of you i am sure know the joys of the pessaries, i however had no idea what to expect, and i was bout to say that nothing could be worse then being clogged up by cottage cheese style progesterone, but, oh dear, once again, i may just be proven wrong… There may just be something worse then cottage cheese.

I started the pessaries last nite, and in answer to my posed question “how the hell do you put two in?” Well it can be done… nothing more to say, then it can be done.

I also managed to wake myself up enough at 3.30 this morning to insert another one.

It wasnt that hard, like inserting a tampon – without the string, more slippery / waxy then i thought… all in all an ‘i can do this if it means saving $2,500′ moment. i am just hoping that i put them in far enough… Anyone HELP?!?

So i went back to sleep and thought nothing of it, arose at 4.30am for my sunrise walk.

About hmmmm half an hour to three quarters of an hour later as i am walking now here really gets to the TMI… i begin ‘leaking’ ewwww – i even cringe now as i think about it, and not only was i leaking, but i assume what may either have been some of the left over crione cottage cheese, or wax, or god only knows what, came out as well – AS I WAS WALKING! ARRGHH and there was nothing i could do but keep walking.

I was almost waddling, but i didnt want to walk any faster, because i am ‘taking it easy’ (my nurse tells me she has a camera on me 24/7 – i think his name is DH!) and because it is getting to summer here and i must not get hot – as DH does the ‘beetroot’ test when i get home.. and because i really do want this to work.

So for the next half hour i suffered in silence, well not really i was trying to listen to my ipod to think of all things not slimy, gooie, chuncky, or moving around in my non panty liner protected pretty undies.

Anyway i think that is enough, needless to say it was gross, im not too sure if it was grosser than my first encounter with crione – not sure if i have shared the ‘clogged story’? and no im not talking about the clogged that fibre will fix.. Or whether this just fits in a separate category… but i am telling you if you ever have to go on progesterone pessaries – BE PREPARED!

This is nasty nasty nasty stuff, but on the positve side, it is not messing with my brain as much – or that could just be all my amazing positive thinking? All i know is that for the next three months i will be wearing some heavy duty panty liners… *cringe* just thinking about it…

Repeat after me, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it, it is worth it….

“Optimism is faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without HOPE of confidence.” Helen Keller

Filed Under: FET

Day Fifty Two – Oh dear…

November 13, 2009 0 Comments

Day 23 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progresterone Crione 8% 1x am + 2 x progesterone pessaries pm

As i am standing in the lift all i can think is – I’ve done this twice before, so why is it so scary? why am i so nervous?

Now as i wait and write the nervous bubbles seem to ease and all i can think is – did i drink enough water? There are two kids here playing, one maybe a year old, the other about four, playing with a ball – it is so cute – i pray that this will be me in a year, i pray that my miracle will happen this time. I hope that this back pain is a result of me ‘over working’ my butt muscles and not hormonal.

This whole FET thing is so unnerving – like will the embie make it? Of course it will! Will the procedure go to plan? Of course! So why am i so scared? And why did the nervous bubbles just return? And why oh why is my back still hurting? And does Friday the 13th really mean anything? Where did that last comment come from?

OMG now i feel sick, and is that – no it couldnt be… Do my ovaries hurt now?… Am i cramping? WTF? Why am i over analysing everything?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

FOCUS – JUST FOCUS

Breathing in… Breathing out…

Maybe i should drink another glass of water…

Did i transfer enough money….

I’m just going to go back to waiting now…

STOP THINKING!

Oh the scientist just called my name…

Back again, now i am watching the mother read to the child, will i be a good mother anyway? Maybe i should grab a water? STOP THINKING – FOCUS focus. So okay where did i just go, thats right i just saw the scientist. IT DEFROSTED OK YEY! They look a lot different to the fresh ones, but she said that was because all the cells were dehydrated or something like that, i asked if it was good, and she said yes… here’s to hoping!

OMG now i really gotto pee lucky i didnt have that extra glass. I am so happy, this is going to work! Ohohoh they even “Hatched” it – bye bye $325 – oh well so worth it…

Still waiting, waiting waiting waiting. There is a couple next to me, she is on her phone, i wonder if she is on twitter, i wonder if she is one of my ‘friends’ you so wouldnt know… interesting, he just told her to put the phone down and talk – what should we talk about? I dont know, what do you want to talk about, i dont know you wanted to talk.. ARGH i really want to tell them to just talk! ARRRRGGGHHHH I GOTTO GO PEE PEE!!!!!!

Ohohohoh Doctor is here!

Transfer done, waiting for nurse, dont know what to talk about couple gone (thank god, i wasnt sure they would ever find something to talk about!) Doctor said all went well, 5 people saw my jinjar, have emptied my bladder, all is right with the world!

Waiting Waiting, ahhh hello my favorite nurse! YEY!

Hmm back from the nurse now – just got the pessaries… not used to these, i have to lay down for at least half an hour after inserting. The nurse suggested waking an hour before you have to get up, put one in and go back to bed, then put two in before bed at night… Just thinking about that… HOW THE HELL DO YOU PUT TWO IN?!?!?!?! I guess i will figure that out once i have finished typing this post… Ill have to get back to you on that one!

So this is it. Third time lucky on Friday the 13th…? Blood test is on the 25 November, let the 2ww begin (she says with baited breath)

Oh and FYI – the ‘older’ receptionist said too me on the way out (and i quote) “it will happen when you least expect it” WTF – it’s IVF love! You work at a clinic, remember! I will expect it to work or not to work on 25 November, unless ofcourse before then i somehow have a massive brain fart and completely forget who i am and what i have been doing for the past year! ARGH, get your words right lasy… A simple good luck would have saficed

“Hope – it is the dandelion seed you just wished upon”

Filed Under: FET

Day Fifty One of 100 – The Ten things I HATE about you (IF)

November 12, 2009 0 Comments

Day 22 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily, Progresterone Crione 8% 3x daily

ten things

No its not the movie! Just another top ten… My week is almost complete i have one more sleep until my transfer and i am sooo nervous excited and scared, for those of you who pray – say a little prayer for my my husband and my precious embie – may we all have peace within, may we have faith and believe…

Ten Things I hate about you (IF)

I hate the way you make me so frustrated and angry
I hate the way you make me feel like i hate my husband
I hate the way you make me ponder the meaning of life and my very existence
I hate the way you make everything from my nipples to my ovaries through my uterus and back again hurt like nothing has ever hurt before
I hate the way you make me so very envious of everything and everyone pregnant
I hate the way you make me forget how blessed i really am
I hate the way you make me have to put things up my ‘jin jar’ that i really shouldn’t have to put up there
I hate the way you make me cry, scream and hurt from places so deep i cannot describe them
I hate the way you make me analyse everything, every little cringe every little tingle, every little spot on the toilet paper, nothing is un analysable
I hate the way you make me so angry, so frustrated, so irritated, so hurt that i just cant breath, think or do anything but HATE YOU!

“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.” Kurt Tucholsky

Filed Under: FET, Top Ten