Day 11 FET Cycle -Progynova 2mg 3x daily

Do you remember when sex was just sex, and not baby dancing?

I do – and gosh do i miss it…

I know my time has past, and i am not a teenager or in my early 20′s anymore… and gone are the days where the kitchen table seemed oh i dont know – sooo appropriate.  I know that the days where anywhere anytime have long gone now that responsibility, reason, and modesty have entered my coming close to thirty brain, but still – shouldnt there still be some spontaneity to it all?

Sure its good, and sure sometimes – yes we do just ‘do it’ for the point of ‘doing it’…. But now, now it is all about the timing and the q & q’s…

I honestly think this year there has MAYBE been about 3 or 4 times when it wasnt about baby dancing… I thought last year when we starting this journey that it would be back to the anywhere anytime, all the time.. and yes, it did start out like that.  But then it quickly moved into timing, which then even quickly moved into being told exactly when where and how (well not exactly how.. but you get the jist) by a doctor!

We went from sex and cuddles to baby dancing and analysising in a matter of what feels like minutes.

During the time of the IUI’s i would come home from work and greet my husband with “before dinner or after dinner?” Oh how romanticle! and it gets worse! Not only was it almost like a chore, but it was only happening for barley one week, once a month… And to top that off, after baby dance conversations went from “Do you know how much I love you” to “ohhh that was a big one” or “you took all my seaman last night”

DH and i went through 4 IUI’s over the duration of 6 months, and after the last failed IUI we decided to progress onto the IVF for a higher chance.  Great! I thought this meant somewhat of a normal sex life back… I WAS WRONG!  Now we not only do we not even get to do the baby dance, we are told when we can and cant have sex…

I was absolutely mortified on the first IVF round when i went in for my scan on the monday, my follicles were big enough for EPU, so the doc books me in for the wed EPU, and says to me:

“So your young, it was a weekend, did you and your husband ‘spend time together’?”

ummm head hung in shame, with barley a wisper of a voice “no”

doc says “oh… umm… well then… your husband will have to um ‘off load’ tonight”

“Scuse me?!?”

“After the trigger you will more than likley be in too much pain, so your husband will need to – you know – off load”

“oh i see…”

So there i am at the clinic thinking, Oh God, now i have to tell my DH to ‘off load’ how the hell do i do that… text message – yes yes i am a chicken…

So i get home after work and casualy approach the subject with “so did you get my text?”

“What text?”

“bout the doctors appointment”

“maybe”

“i have to go in on wednesday, you will need to come with me, your appointment is at 11.30″

“oh yeah, okay”

“what bout the other thing?”

“i’ve got a headache”

“yeah, but the doctor said”

“just forget about it”

“what?! no the doctor said, we cant forget about it, you have too, the doctor said! If you dont it wont work, then we will have spent all this money… ohhh (pain pain pain, fall on floor, start crying, in significant amounts of pain, effort from yelling becoming overwhelming and making pain worse… but still from the floor i continue) you cant just ignore what the doctor says! your going to ruin the whole thing, whats the point of having a doctor if you ignore what the doctor says?”

“i said dont worry about it!”

“how can i not worry about it? (FYI i am still on the kitchen floor) it is everything… okay okay, lets go to the bedroom then, we’ll just do it.”

“look at you, you cant, you cant even stand up! I have a headache! Just go to bed, and forget about it!”

“NO!” sobbing starts… now i am lying on the kitchen floor shaking… DH comes over picks me up and takes me to bed… right then at that point, i hated him more then i had ever hated him before, he was spoiling the whole thing… selfish bastard!

So after being tucked in, DH comes close and says “Its already done”

APPARENTLY he had received my text, and ‘off loaded’ earlier in the day but was too embarrassed to tell me… GOOD LORD! why didnt you just say that in the first place?!?!?!

Now that we are both experienced in the IVF baby dance, we both know exactly when where and yes how it must be done to create good Qty and Quality for the IVF sample…

But where does that leave us and sex? It leaves us still having conversations over the Q & Q’s, and it still leaves us saying that we need to ‘do it’ this week because next week i will be on progesterone – and NOBODY is going down there when i am on progesterone, and the week after will be the TWW where i am scared that if we do the BD then the little embryo will fall out!

There is what seems like no end to this, and to make matters worse (as a figure of speech only, because i want this to be the case) what happens when i do fall pregnant?  Will i then be too scared for nine months?  How do people normally deal with this?

All i keep thinking is that i better get as much in this week, because i know this month is the month for me, and if it means 9 months or more of deprivation… SO BE IT!  I would rather a baby then doing anymore baby dancing… Is that desperate or what?

Hope my husband is ok…