Day twenty one of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… Crinone 8% once daily.
I dont have much to say, everything is as planned, everything is just the same, everything is always the same, but hopefully this time with a different ending….
This afternoon i cried, it was the first time i cried this cycle, and it was honestly the first time i actually was glad that this was the last time. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, honestly how much of this can one woman go through? I just want to get through this last two week wait, sane.
In my car i cried, i screamed out to God, and i pleaded, i just want to have a nice christmas i just want to forget this and enjoy the last two weeks of my crappy year! I want this pain to go, i want my back to stop hurting, i want my ovaries to stop hurting, i want my uterus to stop cramping, and i want to stop feeling sick… I cant take it anymore, i just want to have a carefree and enjoyable christmas…
I dont know what the outcome is going to be, i dont know what the future holds, but i do know, that whatever happens, i really really really just want to be well, happy, and pain free this christmas – please?!?
Last night i was scared and a little angry, which if you are going through IVF or even just IF you would understand it is all part of the process. I have cramps, i shouldn’t have cramps, and i still have two hours before i can talk to the doctor, who will maybe shrug her shoulders and continue with the transfer, i dont know, and that is the forever frustrating thing, i dont know.
My husband has declared my body to be in a no excersise zone for the next two weeks (great now i have to watch what i eat at christmas!) anyway, so normally i walk in the mornings because i cant sleep. This morning proved no different, i made it to 6.30am and the sun was just to bright to sleep anymore… And the cramps were still there…*sigh*
So i picked up my bible
I remember my good friend Job and all that i had been reading about him earlier this year… I decieded to continue on with this book hopefully in search of some answers. Now i dont know about you but when i read the bible it seems to just be confusing, i dont get it… And this morning was no differetn, no define answers, nothing written that made any sence to me… so i turned to the front of the book where it has a written ‘low down’ of what the book of Job is about. I read it.
Now i am not going to say that i sundennly feel better, and im not going to lie and tell you all my fears are gone, but i am going to say that i think i found a little snippet of peace…
“Real faith cannot be reduced to spiritual bromides and merchandised in success stories. It is redefined in the fires and the storms of pain.” The Message
Maybe my pain is to redefine my faith, maybe my stress in this is to remind me this christmas about my faith, maybe i jsut needed a little something to pull me back to reality and remind me who i am, and what my faith is.
“Faith isn’t faith until it’s all you’re holding on to”
