Day fourteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 100 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection
To my dearest little miracle,
Last night your father and i argued. We have both had enough i think. Last night i said things i really didnt mean, and i said things that hurt. I mostly never mean what i say when im hurting and when i am angry, but i am sad to say that there has just been way to much of that latley.
Your father never really talks that much, and sometimes that scares me as i never know what he is really feeling. He loves me i know that, and i love him more than words will ever express, but right now, this is getting way over our heads.
Your father said something to me last night, that reminded me of the beginning of this journey, of the hope and of the faith that this journey is meant to be about.
When we started this journey i told him that i didnt want to turn into that crazy lady that gives up everything and everyone just chasing a miracle… I have turned into that crazy lady, and now your father is the one suffering.
I am writting this letter to tell you that we are not giving up, and your father made that abundantly clear, this is not the end. This is simply the begining of another journey that we will take together. And while last nite i said that nothing is going to make me happy but you, i know that there are things that will distract me and make me happy while i am waiting for you to come along.
Of course i pray that you are one of the little eggs growing inside of me now, waiting to be removed, grown, and put back in me… But if your not, if your not meant to come now, i have set myself some new year resoloutions.
Ive never done that before, but this year, next year, i need it. I need to be who i was, i need to stop hating myself and my life, and i need more than anything to move on, to believe and have utter faith that you will come in your own time, to accept this life that the Lord has given me, and to stop challenging and questioning the misery.
I know you are there, somewhere out there, and i do nothing now but let this be, and get back to who i was, otherwise i wont be able to be a good mother to you, and this jouney will have gone in vein.
I love you and i am not giving up, but your father and i need to find ourselves once more, and find peace within.
Love always from a mother that may never be.
