Limbo Land Day Three
How can i say it is over?
How can i say that i am am giving up?
How can i say that this is it?
I dont know. But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore. Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. “i am over it” and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.
I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI’s, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore. I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.
I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI’s or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.
I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way…
I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.
I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.
I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.
I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun…
I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.
And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.
I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on. But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.
For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am – how can i possibly be a mother?
Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses