Limbo Land Day Three
How can i say it is over?
How can i say that i am am giving up?
How can i say that this is it?
I dont know. But i know in my heart that i cant do this anymore. Yesterday three words came out of my husbands mouth that i never expected him to say. “i am over it” and when he said those words all i could think was, so am i, so am i.
I want a child more than words will ever say, i want to be a mother, and i want to experience what i may never experience, but after four failed IUI’s, after another four failed IVF rounds, my heart is broken, and i just cant take this pain anymore. I need time for myself because i have forgotten who i am, i have forgotten what i like, what it feels like to be carefree, and i have forgotten why i am alive, and what i am living for.
I have forgotten how to live without being so obsessed with TTC, IUI’s or IVF, i have forgotten what it is like not to worry or have false hope, and i have forgotten how to live without a plan.
I have forgotten how to have sex without worrying about if it is the right time, or if the sperm is good quality, i have forgotten what it is like to be spontaneous and not feel like i have to stick my legs up in the air, wait for 15 minutes, dont do this, do that, turn this was, or that way…
I have forgotten how much i love to exercise, to run, to just escape in a pool of sweat, making myself work so hard it hurts, spending an hour listening to MY favorite songs, i have forgotten how much i love having just one hour for myself in my own little world.
I have forgotten what it is to live a life without a plan, without watching every penny, without worrying what is happening next month or next week, i have forgotten how to just live, to say yes to a night out with the girls, or to say yes to a holiday in 4 months.
I have forgotten what it is like to say yes to a glass of wine with dinner, to say yes to the soft cheese, and to say yes to playing a game a football with the family.
I have forgotten what it is like to have spintaious, concern and thought free fun…
I HAVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO LIVE.
And in forgetting how to live, i have forgotten who i really am.
I keep wondering what i do now, i keep thinking i cannot give up, that i am weak for not going on. But i cant right now, i need to find me, i need to live a life.
For if i dont stop, if i dont find myself once more, i will lose everything i have, and every part of who i was, and who i am, and if i am not who i am – how can i possibly be a mother?
Life is what you make of it. Always has been, always will be. Grandma Moses
This post made me cry
everything will work out for you cheryl and you will be a mum 
maybe taking a break and giving yourself some of your time might help you be strong to try again x I am praying for you and keeping you in my thoughts always x
The funny thing about this post is that this is exactly how I feel at the moment. We must be due for a girls day!!!
Love You!!
I know, acutely, how you feel. I think I said it all in this post: http://www.bustedplumbing.com/2009/12/happy-saturday-bleeps-today-is-my.html
Your water is muddy, and with good reason. Just know you don’t have to make any decisions, you just need some time to get back to center. Wait for the mud to settle… and for now just look for peace. And have that glass of wine!! I gave up giving up alcohol while TTC years ago. I finally decided I just had to live my life, because I couldn’t spend forever in the waiting zone.
Hang in there darlin.
I hope you don’t mind, but I took inspiration from your blog with my new post, and gave you a shout out and link on it.