Day twenty eight of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle... Crinone 8% once daily
To my dearest little miracle,
I dont want to write these words for fear of hurting the people i love most of all in this world, but these words are honest and true, they need to be written, they need to be told if i am to stay sincere to myself.
I cant do this anymore, the pain is to much to bear. I thought i could go on but i cant, i need time to myself for a while. Part of me believes that my miracle, that you, are going to come to me naturally when i am not trying so hard to find you. The other part of me is dying inside.
Your father says its not over yet, and maybe its not, maybe i am giving up to early, maybe i am scared to hope, scared to believe there is a chance. But this pain, this pain i am in doesnt feel right for a little miracle.
I love you, i really do, but right now, at this point i need to be selfish and claim my life back. I need to stop this pain, both physical and mental. I need to find out who i am, be whole once more, stop worrying every second of the day, stop having false hope, stop convincing myself there is a chance when there is not. Just stop. Stop and breath. Just breath.
They always say "when you least expect it" maybe i have to let go, and maybe in letting go i will find you. I dont know, and that really scares me, but i have to put my fear aside, i just have to.
No matter how much time i take for myself, i promise i will come back for you my little miracle, i promise you that i will never give up on you, have faith in myself and my dreams, and i promise that you will always be somewhere in my heart, not too far from my mind.
Love always from a mother that may never be.
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again. Flavia Weedn
