Day Ninety Nine of 100 – The Real Limbo Land

Limbo Land Day Four

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sorry, i am so very sorry. I thought i knew, i thought i was so sure that this was it, that this was the end, i thought it was over… I really thought i knew, i thought you wernt there… I thought this was the end for a while, i was ready to give up, but my little one i may be wrong, i may have taken you for granted.

How could i be so wrong, how could i not know? And how could i have been ready to give up? I am just so confused, so scared, so much in limbo land…

I want to have hope, i want to believe that this is it, that you are in me growing, alive and just waiting to meet me, but i finally got used to this being over, and now i am scared that if i hope, if i hold on to that little chance that this is my miracle, that you are here, i am scared that it wont be.  And if you are not, if i have ruined this chance because of my need to run and my need to push myself physically, because of my need to to all the things i was never meant to do, if i have broken this chance through stupidity – i know i will fall apart, and i am scared that i wont be able to pick my self up once more.

I love you my little one, and i promise that i will allow myself just a little bit of hope and faith for you. And my precious one i must confess to you that the other morning on my walk i dared God to show me a miracle.  Maybe this is God, proving to me that it is time for my miracle, and while day 99 nor day 100 of my search for you may not bring me certainty, it will bring me hope.  And in the end my love, this was a journey of hope, faith, and love…

Love from a mother that may never be

Hope, faith and love.  Without these three where would we be?