Limbo Land Day One – Blood test not available until day 98, but in my heart i know it is over.
I never contemplated a life without children until this morning.
I know this is not the end and i know that there is a plan out there for me somewhere, but honestly i think it is time for me to accept the fact that i may grow up without my own child, without a child with my husband, a life alone…
I dont feel ready to accept this yet, there are other options. And i know in my heart that this IVF journey, this is not over yet, its just on hold. But i never really thought about life without children until this morning.
As i was walked along the road in the rain i honestly believe that i went through all the stages of grief but the last, and even right now, at this very moment as i type these words, those emotions are still so real and true to me… And yet at the same time i am so confused inside because i feel like i have no right to grieve, what am i grieving over? I have not lost a child, i have not miscarried, i have told myself this is not the end, but it feels like it is over? Why do i feel like this is the end, why do i feel like it is over?
Where has my hope vanished to?
I want to cry, i want the pain to come out of me though a scream, through a heartfelt soul bearing scream into oblivion, scream to the heavens, a scream so painful that God hears it, a scream so loud that God feels my hurt, so that the earth moves, and the trees shake and everyone know and feels the pain i feel, so that the world knows its over for me, so that i know it is over for me.
Because once this is over i can learn to live, love and hope once again, i can learn what carefree happiness means once more, i can learn once more to love myself for who i am, who i have become, not what i want, and what i cant have, once this is over i can hope for a better tomorrow, rather than hoping for something i may never have.
I must live for MYSELF, hope for MYSELF, and believe only in MYSELF and the life that i have right here and right now, with the people i have, right here and right now.
I must move on so my tomorrows are happy…
Life begins each morning. Each morning is the open door to a new world – new vista’s, new aims, new tryings. Leigh Mitchell Hodges
I completely understand the need to scream. Hopefully you enjoyed your walk in the rain and found it therapeutic.
Know that I Love You!!
I understand about the screaming. I feel as if I’m screaming at the top of my lungs and NO ONE can hear me (but all you girls) I know this is NOT the end for you, you will be a Mommy! I understand about wanting your own with your Husband, because I want the same thing before we adopt later on in life. And who knows, you can still get pregnant naturally. I have heard SO many stories of woman doing IVF and IUI and it not working, then get pregnant on their own!! So you can still try. My Husband and I only have 1% chance of getting pregnant on our own, and we tried naturally for 3 YEARS with NO IVF/IUI/Fertility Drugs to help get me pregnant. And last year after we found out about him having 1% normal sperm and my Lupus, other autoimmune disease and MTHFR Disease…we STILL tried on our own knowing we have a 1% chance of getting pregnant. They tell woman ALL the time, oh you can’t get pregnant or you have a 1% (or whatever &) and BAM they get pregnant on their own. I know with any couple TTC rather your TTC naturally or doing IVF/IUI your going to get pregnant WHEN it’s your time to get pregnant. So hang in there, and try naturally! You don’t have to get OPK’s or anything, just don’t prevent it and I bet you, that you will get pregnant. Remember, getting pregnant it not on OUR timming it’s on God’s and the Baby’s. Stay strong, you can do this sweetie. I’m ALWAYS ALWAYS here for you!!! Love you girl, kepe your head up!
-Roxanne