Limbo Land Day One – Blood test not available until day 98, but in my heart i know it is over.
I never contemplated a life without children until this morning.
I know this is not the end and i know that there is a plan out there for me somewhere, but honestly i think it is time for me to accept the fact that i may grow up without my own child, without a child with my husband, a life alone…
I dont feel ready to accept this yet, there are other options. And i know in my heart that this IVF journey, this is not over yet, its just on hold. But i never really thought about life without children until this morning.
As i was walked along the road in the rain i honestly believe that i went through all the stages of grief but the last, and even right now, at this very moment as i type these words, those emotions are still so real and true to me… And yet at the same time i am so confused inside because i feel like i have no right to grieve, what am i grieving over? I have not lost a child, i have not miscarried, i have told myself this is not the end, but it feels like it is over? Why do i feel like this is the end, why do i feel like it is over?
Where has my hope vanished to?
I want to cry, i want the pain to come out of me though a scream, through a heartfelt soul bearing scream into oblivion, scream to the heavens, a scream so painful that God hears it, a scream so loud that God feels my hurt, so that the earth moves, and the trees shake and everyone know and feels the pain i feel, so that the world knows its over for me, so that i know it is over for me.
Because once this is over i can learn to live, love and hope once again, i can learn what carefree happiness means once more, i can learn once more to love myself for who i am, who i have become, not what i want, and what i cant have, once this is over i can hope for a better tomorrow, rather than hoping for something i may never have.
I must live for MYSELF, hope for MYSELF, and believe only in MYSELF and the life that i have right here and right now, with the people i have, right here and right now.
I must move on so my tomorrows are happy…
Life begins each morning. Each morning is the open door to a new world – new vista’s, new aims, new tryings. Leigh Mitchell Hodges