Limbo Land Day Five
To my dearest little miracle,
I thought that day 100 would bring me answers, i thought that i would begin the new year knowing just where i stood, and what my plan for 2010 would bring me. I thought that day 100 would bring me a solid answer to end my journey.
But like many other days on this topsy turvy journey, i say – i was wrong.
There are no answers just yet, not today, not tomorrow, and not even the day after that, just waiting, hoping, praying, believing that you are inside of me growing.
Last night i cried, i cried for you my little miracle and i cried for me. I cried because i dont know how to live without chasing you, and i cried because i am not sure if this is the end or if this is the beginning…
I cried to God and i asked out loud for peace and happiness, i asked why i cant stop thinking about you, and i asked why day 100 couldnt have brought me the answers i so desperately desired…
As i lay there crying, i turned to your father, i asked him why i couldnt just turn the switch off, why i couldnt go back to being who i was before i was chasing you, why there are never solid answers, and why even in a positive situation, there is still so much turmoil and heartache. Your father turned to me and said the most sincere thing i have ever heard him say, he told me that God had turned the switch on, and right now, at this point in time, God wanted that switch to stay on.
Your father then rolled over, and in the dead of the night said to me, this is not the end, this is the start of a new journey, its is not over, it is just a new beginning, a new day, a new year, and a new story to be told…
So my little miracle, this is not the end, this is the beginning, and tomorrow marks day one of the rest of my journey Chasing a Miracle, searching for you, hoping and believing that you are in me growing, gaining strength, just waiting to meet us.
Never forget my child, that i will forever chase you, as you will always be in my heart. If i never get the chance to meet you, i promise i will never forget the journey, nor the people i have meet along the way. And as i have said many times before, know that your father and i love you more than anything on this earth and no matter what happened, no matter what challenges were thrown our way, we faced this journey chasing a miracle searching for you.
Love from a mother that may never be.
What we call the end is also the begining. The end is where we start from. TS Elliot