Day thirteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection
Today i reflect on something i wrote on Tuesday…
Did you know that without IVF, thousands of couple all over the world would not have the opportunity for the chance of a family, and as hard as it is did you know that i am grateful that i have that 40% chance of having an IVF baby, and did – you – know that i wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year…
I have many times as the below comment points out stated that this has been the worst year of my life… Yes, yes it has, and i stand by that comment, just as i stand by the comment that i wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year.
“It’s interesting to me that you’ve previously stated this is the worst year of your life, but at the same time, you also say you “wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year”….I think there is a message in that and I’d encourage you to reflect on it.
Maybe this year isn’t as “bad” as you’d thought – or maybe you’ve redefined your definition.”
I truly believe in everything ash says… Im not sure what the message behind my conflicting comments is but i know in my heart that while i have struggled, cried and hurt from places i never dreamed i would hurt from, i believe that it was i journey i was meant to take, and meant to learn from, and this is why i wouldnt change anything about it.
I hate that i am going through this and i hate that i am suffering, and even more i hate that my husband and family have to endure the pain with me, but in saying that, without this year without the pain, struggle and turmoil, i wouldnt have learnt what i have learnt and i wouldnt have found the side to my husband and family that i never knew exisited.
Before 2009 I never knew that my husband could share the same amount of pain as me, and i never knew that i could learn just how much he loves and respects me, i never knew before this year that he really would do anything for me. He has given up so much for me, and so many times just let me scream horrid words at me and just forgiven me instantly… i wouldnt have learnt that if it wasnt for this year.
Before 2009 I never knew that my sister and brother in law could care about me so much, i never knew that they could be so generous and give me anything and everything. I never knew before this year that i had such an amazing family in them. They have given so much to me this year, time, effort and most importantly friendship… i wouldnt have learnt that if it wasnt for this year.
Before 2009 I never knew just how much money doesnt matter, if you had said to me that i would spent X amount of dollars on IVF treatments this time last year, i would have laughed at you and told you that it wasnt worth it.
Before 2009 I never knew how many emotions i could feel, that i actually felt something about the fact that my mother is dead, that i was actually able to express these emotions and write them down each day being brave enough for other people to read them… I never knew that about myself!
And most importantly 2009 has been and i dare say it out loud SHIT… Yes it has been the worst year of my life and yes i have cried more then i ever thought was possible, but i learnt something this year, and this is the reason why i wouldnt change a second of it…
In 2009 i learnt that i want to be a mother… more than anything else on this earth.
I hate 2009, but i wouldnt change it for anything…
Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win. Bernadette Devlin
