Day four of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH
Sometimes the world we live in is so far from reality we are unable to accept life as it really is…
This is today.
I want to accept my life, i want to be able to get back to where i was mentally a year ago, excited about my future, excited to wake up every morning and love every second my eyes where open. This is why i am sure now that this is the last cycle for us.
I cant concentrate and it is really effecting my work, which scares me. I love where i work, and i love the people i work for, but lately it is not enough for me, and it is showing. My mind wanders every second, and my mistakes are getting worse and worse and worse, and i am letting down the people i respect most.
I often wondered how i would know when enough was enough. Today i realised this is it, this is enough, if we keep going i am not going to have anything left, but a broken heart that wont be able to be fixed.
To be honest i am sick of myself being so sad, i am sick of myself being a misery guts, and i am sick of myself making mistake after mistake after mistake, i am better than that, i know i am. And i know that the end to this journey brings me great sadness but i also know that “as one door closes, another opens” and maybe this is my time to find my passion in life, maybe this is my time to do something new, i hope so.
I hope i can find myself again, find out who i really am. 2010 is going to be my year of self discovery, of happiness, and pure contentment. There is but 30 days left of what has surely been the worst year of my life, and i swear on what little happiness i have left inside of me that 2010 is going to be better – and that this time next year i will look back and shake my head at myself, and think… I got through that, maybe not with all my dignity, but i got through it and in doing so, found out who i really am.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau
