Day seven of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu's FSH plus Orgalutran injection
I was going to write something funny tonight, my nurse gave me a new technique called the grab and stab... but that will have to wait until tomorrow, as i have a friend in need...
I have just finished reading my friends blog and i am in tears not knowing quite what to do or say...
I know too well the emotions she is feeling right now and i honestly feel her pain. Getting a BFN... it is so hard, its not fair, its just not fair!...
No matter what happens, no matter the hope we have, no matter what anyone says, no matter how kind the words are, no matter how hopeful the 'next' chance is, there is always still that voice in the back of your mind wondering, what about me? Why cant it have happened this time, last time, or why couldnt it have happened a year ago? Why God WHY!? WHAT ABOUT ME!
Last week i too got a BFN - my 3rd official IVF BFN and my 7th official fertility assisted BFN... That is seven times i have had to go through this and seven times i have had to pick my self up and give myself enough hope to continue, seven times i have cried and cried and cried - just like my friend.
And just like my friend i look up into the sky, into the heavens, and said 'why me? what have i done wrong? what have i done to dserve this?
My faith this year has gone from hot to cold, cold to hot, i have been so angry at God at times i have swore never to believe again, i swore that there could not be a God for if there was he surely would not be so cruel... But then i watch the sunrise, i enjoy what i have, and i find myself right back where i started, praying that things will work out, praying for family, praying for friends, praying for people i dont know, praying... and if i pray, it must be that i believe... My husband tells me that it is what gets me through, and maybe it is, maybe just saying what we want out loud, believing in miracles, is what faith is about...
I dont know, i dont understand it, sometimes it really is just too hard...
I never know the answers, and i believe it is because there isnt any, i wish i had the answers for my friend, i wish i could prove that God is out there, feeling her pain... but i cant, and i dont even have any words to comfort her...
So many people have told us that God has a plan, or that God is testing us, or that we are being put through this because we are strong, i feel my friends pain when she says "Why is this so hard? Why are you making this so hard on us? Just tell me what I need to do for this to work! Tell me how to make this ache in my heart stop! I need to believe your real...I need to feel your presence...I need something....." I have screamed into the heavens that i dont want this anymore, i have screamed that i dont want something better, i have screamed that this isnt fair, and i have screamed and begged for my own child, and i have cried so hard and for so long that my head hurt so much that i couldnt breath anymore..
And at the end of it all, the next day, i wake up and realise that there is nothing i can do... there is nothing i can do... which is why i pray... because if there is nothing i can do but pray, then i am doing something right? and maybe that is what faith is for, maybe that is what faith is... when you have nothing else but a glimmer of hope...
I am going round and round in circles, but it is because i have no answers, i really wish i had answers, or at least some words, if not for me, for my friend who needs them most of all right now...
I have thought in the past 'i wish i could see the results of my prayers' but then i sit here tonight, and realise that i do, i have seen the results of my prayers... there have been at least 4 from what i can count BFP's in the last two weeks... that has to mean something doesnt it? But that doesnt help me, and that doesnt answer my personal prayers, and that doesnt help my friend who is currently crying herself to sleep... WHAT ABOUT US LORD, WHAT ABOUT US?
Tonight instead of a hallmark finish, instead of saying something that could make others feel better, that would solve some internal faith debates... I sit here and i ask the same question..
ARE YOUR THERE GOD? are you there...
“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” CS Lewis
