Day twenty of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… Crinone 8% once daily.

Sometimes there are never the right words.  Sometimes we spend hours, days, weeks, and maybe even months searching for just the right thing to say.  Right now i am doing just that, searching for the right words to say what i need to say to you.

Many of you i am sure think  that i am just that little bit crazy… Many of you who knew me last year, know that this year the crazy in me certainly raised to a new level, but that my friends is why i write you this letter.

I wanted to start by saying that this year has by far been one of the most challenging years of my life, i have never been through so much pain, so many highs, nor so many soul destroying lows ever before, and i have been through a lot in my lifetime.  I know that many of you have walked past my desk and seen the tears roll down my  face, you may have realised why, or you may have just dismissed this and put it down to the crazy in me, i dont know.  But i do know that you all had understanding, and for that i thank you.

Some of you know parts of my story and some of you may not want to know, or care, but i sit here today writing to you to let you know just how much you have been there for me and supported me throughout my journey.

I want to thank you for all the times when you showed me that understanding, and i want to thank you for all the times when just a simple hug or a simple shoulder rub meant that i got through the afternoon.  I want to also thank you for giving me stories from your past, and stories of the people who found hope and happiness from similar situations.  There are not many places where you would find such a great team of people who would try to understand, and try to offer you all that they could to give you even just a moment of happiness, not many groups of people that would give you all the time you needed just to get through.

The words that i am looking for will never be enough for you to understand just how much i appreciate the friendships i have found in each and everyone of you here.  I wanted to give each and everyone of you something so that you knew just how much you mean to me, and just how much the understanding in your hearts has impacted me and the journey i went though this year, but there was nothing that would be big enough to show just the right amount of thanks that i have.  The only thing i could think of that would convey to you my emotions, was my story…

And here it is.  I have written a journal entry everyday for the past 87 days, and will continue for the next 13, my story is now yours, and i hope that in someway my story will inspire you the way that you have inspired me, and i hope that by sharing my story you understand how precious each and every day is.

And like a very wise man asked me what now seems like a life time ago…

“Where is the Gift in this?”

The gift my friends is life – living each day at a time, never regretting the decisions you make, nor ever taking an ounce of what you have in life for granted.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today?  Today is a gift, that is why they call it the present.” Babatunde Olatunyi

Some good reads (even if i do say so myself!)

The most important one being: The Story behind the blog

I learnt a valuable lesson today

I am a human pin cushion (It’s a video! Go on you know you want to watch it!)

Confusion is a curse

Have you ever?

I am thankful for

Life’s a bitch, and then you find out your infertile

oh and The Top Ten are always good for a giggle (i especally like the first one i wrote)

Day nineteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… Crinone 8% once daily.

My very own Christmas tune, in honor of my last 2 week wait, and the last 14 days of the year… (Humor me – scroll to the end of the page if you just want a list of the 14 things!)

The Fourteen Days Of Christmas

On the last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

One BFP

On the second last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the third last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the fourth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the fifth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the sixth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the seventh last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the eighth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the ninth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Nine hours of weeping

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the tenth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Ten nights of praying

Nine hours of weeping

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the eleventh last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Eleven days of worrying

Ten nights of praying

Nine hours of weeping

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the twelfth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Twelve baby name ideas

Eleven days of worrying

Ten nights of praying

Nine hours of weeping

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the thirteenth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Thirteen days of injections

welve baby name ideas

Eleven days of worrying

Ten nights of praying

Nine hours of weeping

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

On the Fourteenth last day of christmas my infertility gave to me

Fourteen jars of sperm

Thirteen days of injections

Twelve baby name ideas

Eleven days of worrying

Ten nights of praying

Nine hours of weeping

Eight Major arguments

Seven days of fireball ovaries

Six dates with wandy

FIVE GOOGIE EGGS

Four little embryos

Three days of recovery

Two weeks of waiting

and One BFP

Day seventeen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… Crinone 8% once daily. 4 eggs fertilized, now we play the waiting elimination game, i told the scientist that i only need one… Lord please let that one perfect one survive!

If it is one thing i have learnt over the past year, it is to expect the unexpected… and today proves no different!

Yesterday i rested, just as i had done the other two egg pick up days, but i seemed overly tired, i slept most of the day, and when i got out of bed last night i was really sore and bloated… But believed that i would wake up in the morning ok, so i set my alarm for 4.30am.

I seem to believe that if i tell myself i can do it then i can, which in most cases is great!  When at the gym it is fantastic because i am able to keep myself going, and having this trait has let me get through this year, even when i thought i couldnt.  But today, today this trait has turned on me.

I got up this morning to go for a walk, not a run, not to the gym, like i did on both other occasions, nope this morning i was going for a short walk.  And what do you think happened?  I couldnt do it, i was in pain, but my brain said, you can do it, for about 15 minutes i told myself i could do this.  I couldnt! and it was only when i passed a bus stop and saw the chair and wished that i could sit down, did i realise that i was being stupid, and if i didnt put myself back to bed i was going to do some serious damage… *sigh*

As i was walking back i was trying to think so hard about the last two times, and if i pushed throgh the pain, or if i just wasnt in so much pain, i really just couldnt remember…

It just seems so funny to me that the other two times, i got heaps more eggs, i was really bad at recovering from the anesthetic, and yet the next day i was great, i got to the gym and back to work, and was fine.. So it just seems so typical that this time i had no real pain before the egg pick up, the anesthetic didnt bother me so much – would you believe i only took one hour to recover yesterday (cootoes to me!), yet im sitting here with the most bloated sorest stomach and ovaries ever!  And yet there were only five little eggs….

Typical that i am the sickest from the least eggs, typical that i get the highest fertilization rate on the least amount of eggs… And when all is said and done, i hope that i will be saying ‘typical that i get the highest blastocyst survival rate off the least amount of eggs’… and i hope that i will be saying on day 99 – ‘typical that i get a BFP after 99 days of torture”

That is just typical of life isnt it?

“I have learned, that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” Henry David Thoreau

“Believe it can be done. When you believe something can be done, really believe, your mind will find the ways to do it. Believing a solution paves the way to solution.” David Joseph Schwartz

Day sixteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle… EPU 5 eggs collected

When i came out of anesthetic today i cried, maybe with relief because i knew this was the last time i had to do that, for a long while at least, and while i was lying there wondering about the number of eggs they had collected, i remembered something.

I remembered that when my husband and i first started this journey, my fav nurse said to me “quality not quantity” it is all about the quality.  But at that point, it seemed that even with this information, even in remembering that, when the doctor told me only five, my heart sank just that little bit, and  i guess i had still hoped that there would be more.

As i lay there telling myself that i have five fantastic eggs, telling myself that i only need one perfect embryo, it still wasnt enough, my heart was still disappointed.

Why? I just dont understand why, i was so prepared for it, i knew this time we wernt going to get as many eggs as last time because there wernt as many follicles, but for some reason, no matter how much you prepare yourself, for some reason, it never makes it better.

It is almost like, no matter what you tell yourself no matter what you ‘try’ to believe, subconsciously there is so much hope that ultimately you are disappointed.  And maybe that is what hope is, something that gets us there, when we know everything is against us, we hope.  This time it seems all odds are against me, less eggs, then we have to wait for fertilization, i know from previous experience that not all the eggs get fertilized, then they have to grow for five days… All i have is hope, and i am hopeful, but there is still that tiny little voice in the back of my mind, that says ‘you may not get an embryo’…

I am going to be deadly honest here – i am shit scared.

I am scared that this isnt going to work, and i am scared that a little piece of me doesnt care if this works or not, and i am scared that once again in 16 days time i am going to fall to pieces one last time, have to pick myself up and start 2010 with my ‘back up’ dream plans.

I know hope is what it is and i know that it is just something that gets us through the tough times, but i wish that there was more than hope, i wish there was certainty.  I wish i knew where i was headed, i dont want to get excited, and i dont want to be depressed or negative, but i am not sure that there is a happy medium… How do i get to the point where i can put this out of my mind for 16 days?

Maybe this year christmas is a blessing in disguise, maybe that is the key to putting this out of my mind… Focus on giving, cooking and enjoying my holidays…

Or maybe my new nephew will come early enough to distract me…

I dont know, but even though i am scared, and even though there will never be any certinty about the future, i do have hope, and i do have faith that God has some sort of plan for me, and i do know that in 16 days i will look back and wonder what i was so worried about…

“The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.” Allan K. Chalmers

Day fivteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle – I pre wrote this post, and as i am tired and in a little pain, and mostly just frustrated tonight, i am going to use it… Tomorrow is egg pick up, the last one… Pray for me… and help me with what to do!!

What to do what to do oh what on earth to do?!

And before you ask, yes husband and i have chatted, yes i have spoken to the nurses and yes, yes i have spoken with the doctor…

What is my dilemma you ask?

One or two, one or two, two or one, one or two?

Embryo’s that is…

So the first time we were only allowed to transfer one, and i fell pregnant… Shame that didnt work out, i wouldnt be having this dilemma!

The second time, two… and ummm, that didnt even work before it even didnt work…

The third time, one… again nothin…

So what this time?

Last time we transferred only one because i am scared of my body coping with two babies, as i have lupus and i already swell beyond comfort, and i’m not sure about having to have a cesarean… if i fell pregnant id rather do the natural thing…

*sigh*

If i fall pregnant…

But if you put two back in then is there a higher chance of falling pregnant with one?

I think  i know the answer, i think i know what i will do, but i do it because i am scared, and i do it becuase i worry too much…

I really really want this to work, and i just dont know, i just dont know, i dont know anymore…

*sigh*

“People say I’m indecisive, but I don’t know about that.” George Bush