2009 December

Day Eighty One of 100 – How old are you?

December 12, 2009 0 Comments

Day fourteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 100 iu’s FSH, Orgalutran injection PLUS Trigger shot, just before i get into my post, i just want to mention that by george do my ovaries hurt, it is like having two balls of fire constantly flaring up… I am trying to keep as hydrated as possible… but now i am seriously bloated… hmmm on days like today all you can do is laugh, laugh at yourself and get on with your day. So on that note i write my post as a i have heard this question way to many times to date, and i really want to ask you back… What does it matter?

How old are you?

I am 27.

That’s still young, you have plenty of time to start a family.

So the polite way to end this conversation, and the way it generally goes in my world is…

Yes, i know, okay…

END OF CONVERSATION… but you know what, you really know what? No NO this is not the end of the conversation, and if i had the balls, if i really wanted to show my real feelings this is what i would say…

How old are you?

I am 27

That’s still young, you have plenty of time to start a family…

LISTEN HERE… I MAY be young, i may only be 27 years old, but dont you get it?!? You naive bunch? DONT YOU EFFIN GET IT? The younger you are the more fertile you are, the older you get the harder it is!! Being 27 means it is the PERFECT time for me to have children, as soon as you hit 30 it beings getting harder.. There are tests, and medical studies to prove this.

Dont you people watch a current afair? Havent you ever read the articles about the population and how women are struggeling because they are choosing carrers over motherhood? i dont get it? i dont get why you are telling me i am only young. If i am only young wouldnt it be better if i tried all i could now, while i was young fit and healthy? wouldnt it make sence to do IVF now rather than later?

If you asked me, you would find out that the chances of me falling pregnant now are 40-50% where as if i waited until i was 37 the chances would slip by 10% – so let me ask you – wouldnt you try all you could now?

So you know what, i dont care if you are trying to make me feel better, and to tell you the truth, im no fool, i know how old i am and i know i have a lot of years left in me, but concidering my condition, concidering that my ovaries are screwed and it is fact that the older you get the more anovulatory cycles you get then i ask you back – WHY THE HELL WOULD I NOT TRY ALL I COULD NOW?

I know this sounds harsh and i understand that my anger has just escaped me and i know that when i am asked how old i am, people are only trying to help, my husband said it to me the other day to calm me down, but honestly, if you look at society, if you took just one second to look at what is wrong with me and why i cant have children, and if you took just one more second and looked at the statistics of the health of babies to younger mothers, then why the hell would i not start trying now? If i had a normal conception, would people be questioning my age?

Get mad, then get over it. ~Colin Powell

(and now i am over it)

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Eighty of 100 – This is not the end, this is part of the journey

December 11, 2009 0 Comments

Day fourteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 100 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

To my dearest little miracle,

Last night your father and i argued. We have both had enough i think. Last night i said things i really didnt mean, and i said things that hurt. I mostly never mean what i say when im hurting and when i am angry, but i am sad to say that there has just been way to much of that latley.

Your father never really talks that much, and sometimes that scares me as i never know what he is really feeling. He loves me i know that, and i love him more than words will ever express, but right now, this is getting way over our heads.

Your father said something to me last night, that reminded me of the beginning of this journey, of the hope and of the faith that this journey is meant to be about.

When we started this journey i told him that i didnt want to turn into that crazy lady that gives up everything and everyone just chasing a miracle… I have turned into that crazy lady, and now your father is the one suffering.

I am writting this letter to tell you that we are not giving up, and your father made that abundantly clear, this is not the end. This is simply the begining of another journey that we will take together. And while last nite i said that nothing is going to make me happy but you, i know that there are things that will distract me and make me happy while i am waiting for you to come along.

Of course i pray that you are one of the little eggs growing inside of me now, waiting to be removed, grown, and put back in me… But if your not, if your not meant to come now, i have set myself some new year resoloutions.

Ive never done that before, but this year, next year, i need it. I need to be who i was, i need to stop hating myself and my life, and i need more than anything to move on, to believe and have utter faith that you will come in your own time, to accept this life that the Lord has given me, and to stop challenging and questioning the misery.

I know you are there, somewhere out there, and i do nothing now but let this be, and get back to who i was, otherwise i wont be able to be a good mother to you, and this jouney will have gone in vein.

I love you and i am not giving up, but your father and i need to find ourselves once more, and find peace within.

Love always from a mother that may never be.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, hope, IVF, journey, questions, Sad

Day Seventy Nine of 100 – I hate 2009, but i wouldnt change it for anything…

December 10, 2009 0 Comments

Day thirteen of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

Today i reflect on something i wrote on Tuesday…

Did you know that without IVF, thousands of couple all over the world would not have the opportunity for the chance of a family, and as hard as it is did you know that i am grateful that i have that 40% chance of having an IVF baby, and did – you – know that i wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year…

I have many times as the below comment points out stated that this has been the worst year of my life… Yes, yes it has, and i stand by that comment, just as i stand by the comment that i wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year.

“It’s interesting to me that you’ve previously stated this is the worst year of your life, but at the same time, you also say you “wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year”….I think there is a message in that and I’d encourage you to reflect on it.

Maybe this year isn’t as “bad” as you’d thought – or maybe you’ve redefined your definition.”

I truly believe in everything ash says… Im not sure what the message behind my conflicting comments is but i know in my heart that while i have struggled, cried and hurt from places i never dreamed i would hurt from, i believe that it was i journey i was meant to take, and meant to learn from, and this is why i wouldnt change anything about it.

I hate that i am going through this and i hate that i am suffering, and even more i hate that my husband and family have to endure the pain with me, but in saying that, without this year without the pain, struggle and turmoil, i wouldnt have learnt what i have learnt and i wouldnt have found the side to my husband and family that i never knew exisited.

Before 2009 I never knew that my husband could share the same amount of pain as me, and i never knew that i could learn just how much he loves and respects me, i never knew before this year that he really would do anything for me. He has given up so much for me, and so many times just let me scream horrid words at me and just forgiven me instantly… i wouldnt have learnt that if it wasnt for this year.

Before 2009 I never knew that my sister and brother in law could care about me so much, i never knew that they could be so generous and give me anything and everything. I never knew before this year that i had such an amazing family in them. They have given so much to me this year, time, effort and most importantly friendship… i wouldnt have learnt that if it wasnt for this year.

Before 2009 I never knew just how much money doesnt matter, if you had said to me that i would spent X amount of dollars on IVF treatments this time last year, i would have laughed at you and told you that it wasnt worth it.

Before 2009 I never knew how many emotions i could feel, that i actually felt something about the fact that my mother is dead, that i was actually able to express these emotions and write them down each day being brave enough for other people to read them… I never knew that about myself!

And most importantly 2009 has been and i dare say it out loud SHIT… Yes it has been the worst year of my life and yes i have cried more then i ever thought was possible, but i learnt something this year, and this is the reason why i wouldnt change a second of it…

In 2009 i learnt that i want to be a mother… more than anything else on this earth.

I hate 2009, but i wouldnt change it for anything…

Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win. Bernadette Devlin

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Seventy Eight of 100 – Just Another Wordless Wednesday

December 9, 2009 0 Comments

Day twelve of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

HOPE sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Seventy Seven of 100 – Did you know?

December 8, 2009 0 Comments

Did you know that today is Day eleven of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - and i took 125 iu’s FSH plus an Orgalutran injection…

Did you know that IVF stands for In vitro fertilisation, however it is also the acronym for Idiopathic Ventricular Fibrillation, Intervertebral Foramen, Intel Video Technology (filename extension), Intravascular Fluid (plasma), and Intra-Venous Fluids…
Did you know that “when in excess, estrogen promotes the growth of estrogen sensitive tissues, leading to an increased size of adipose (fat) tissues in the waist, belly and other estrogen sensitive fat tissues: For men, typically in the belly and chest; for women, in the belly, lower butt, upper thighs and sometimes in the back of the arms. Estrogen sensitive fat tissues are also called “stubborn fat” due to their high resistance to fat burning. Generally, not even diet or exercise can help remove this estrogen sensitive tenacious fat. Excess estrogen works in a vicious cycle. Estrogen promotes fat gain, and the enlarged fat tissue produces more estrogen within its cells, which then promotes more fat gain, and so on.” (http://www.dragondoor.com/articler/mode3/371/) and therefore when on HRT (Hormone replacement therapy – generally used in a frozen embryo cycle) we are SCREWED!
Did you know that a follicle needs to be 18mm or larger to contain a mature egg… So imagine your ovaries when there are about 10-15 follicles in there… hmm no wonder it hurts!
Did you know that miscarriage rates are the same in IVF as they are in normal pregnancys? However eptopic pregnancy (where the embryo implants in the fallopian tubes) is HIGHER in IVF pregnancy’s… Bizzar considering the embryos are transfered back into your uterus…
Did you know that the first IVF baby was born on the 25 July 1978, her name is Louise Brown.
Did you know that the sucess rates of IVF vary between 40 – 50% depending on your age… My husband once said to me that he wouldnt bet that much money on those odds…
Did you know that they say that embryos do not like heat… This means that hot showers, excersize, heat packs, or standing too close to a flame are all out of the question, making the IVF 2ww even more enjoyable then it already is!
Did you know that a fertalised egg is called a zygote… The zygot continues to divide, creating an inner group of cells with an outer shell. This stage is called a blastocyst. The inner group of cells will become the embryo, while the outer group of cells will become the membranes that nourish and protect it. (http://www.umm.edu/ency/article/002398.htm) Did you also know that the blastocyst ‘hatches’….
Did you know that somewhere along the lines i read an article that said 40% of IVF babies are twins, compared with 1-2% of the general population
And Did you know that without IVF, thousands of couple all over the world would not have the opportunity for the chance of a family, and as hard as it is did you know that i am grateful that i have that 40% chance of having an IVF baby, and did – you – know that i wouldnt change anything i have chosen to do this year…

The possession of knowledge does not kill the sense of wonder and mystery. There is always more mystery. Anais Nin

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Top Ten

Day Seventy Six of 100 – AKWARD!

December 7, 2009 0 Comments

Day ten of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

Okay – funny story… its about time for one…

So last thursday night husband and i went out for dinner with the inlaws and family, it was my sister in laws birthday. Unbeknown to me, my husbands aunt, uncle and cousin came, not that that was a problem, they are a lovely family…

My husbands cousin is 29 weeks pregnant, again not a problem…

So we get to ordering dinner, which with the inlaws in itself is a funny story… imagine 12 people all taking to a little Chinese lady at once, the very little english speaking Chinese lady takes the order… then 6 people leave the table, the other six move to the other end of the table, the first 6 return to the table, obviously sitting in different positions, then the chinese lady returns to confirm the order and is quite confused as everyone has changed seats… guess you had to be there!

Anyway so my husbands cousin get to ordering pork in some sort of sauce, the little Chinese lady, asks if she would like pork or beef, she doesnt know, then husbands aunt says “are you allowed to eat pork?” cousin “oh i dont know” uncle “i dont know” my mother in law, and husbands aunt then turn to me and give me the look that says “well can she eat pork?” So what do i do? without even thinking, and i am not even sure if anyone heard me (apart from my sister in law) said “how should i know? i cant even get pregnant!” ….

ummm my sister in law turns my way and says my name in that hi pitch tone that means i over stepped the line… ekkkk silence……

DOH! – think i said the wrong thing.. and maybe its not such a funny story, it was at the time, im thinking it was one of those, had to be there moments…?

Anyway it just got me thinking tonight…

TOP TEN AWKWARD INFERTILITY MOMENTS SO FAR!

Blurting out what you really think in the middle of a restaurant
Sitting, no sorry wriggling, in front of a scientist who so polity asks “is your bladder a little too full love?”
Blurting out in the middle of the office “ahhh my ovaries” and yes yes it does raise questions…
Grabbing your pessaries out of the fridge only to be asked by an 8 year old “what is that?” ummm they are ummm… gotto go!
In the midst of showing the family your blog, accidentally ending up on the page that boldly talks about baby dancing
And on the subject of baby dancing… having to tell husband that he must ‘ off load’ because the doctor says so…
Spontaneous crying in the middle of a monday morning meeting, yes yes i did cry in front of the entire sales staff!
Telling, no no assuring, the nurse that you are fine after the egg pick up, getting dressed and then yup you guessed it… passing out
Standing in the city car park elevator with your cooler bag full of hormones, and then another lady runs into the elevator with the same coloured cooler bag… the silence is broken with “egg pick up today” “me too”… what the hell do you say to that?!
Hmmm awkward awkward awkward… ah yes, how could i forget? The way people look at you when you goo and gaa over new babies, you know what they are thinking, they know you know what they are thinking… and then you say ‘i want one’…

Laugh at yourself and at life. Not in the spirit of derision or whining self-pity, but as a remedy, a miracle drug, that will ease your pain, cure your depression, and help you to put in perspective that seemingly terrible defeat and worry with laughter at your predicaments, thus freeing your mind to think clearly toward the solution that is certain to come. Never take yourself too seriously. Og Mandino

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Top Ten

Day Seventy Five of 100 – Today I bake…Then I read #best09

December 6, 2009 0 Comments

Day nine of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

Today i bake…

I am confused scared and i dont know anymore, i wish i was funny and i wish i could be inspired, but today, today all i can do is bake…

I bake when i am sad, i bake when i dont know what to do with myself, i bake when even my favorite shows cant get a reaction, i bake. I bake because i get praise. It sounds selfish, but i like it when people tell me the food is yummy, i like it when someone tells me for once that i can do something good, that something i have done is worthwhile…

I bake today because i dont feel worthwhile, i feel lost i feel like i have nothing to give, nothing else to offer the world, like i have given all ive got, tried everything, now i have nothing left to give but food…

People like food, people like the way it makes them feel, and then they like you for giving them something that makes them feel good…

That is why i bake.

Today, yesterday, last week, i baked… but i still feel empty.

Maybe tommorrow when people enjoy my food, i will feel better…

Maybe tomorrow i will have more hope…

But today i bake…

And then i read a twitter post… that lead me to a blog, that lead me to another blog where i read a little something which got me thinking…

It was The best of 09, the blog is about writting the ‘best of..’ for 2009, one thing each day, and while reading through this challenge i was thinking to myself, i have no ‘best of’s’ this year… this year has been one of the worst years of my life, even today i am in a hole.. I am baking for goodness sake.. just so people tell me they love me! That one is a new low for the year… But as a scrolled down the list i noticed December 9 – the best challenge. And i couldnt help but think Chasing a Miracle… and no i dont mean infertility or ivf, infertility sucks, infertility is the worst thing that could have happened to me this year, i mean this blog.

This blog has been the best challenge, the best new thing, the best project, learning experience, and the best idea anyone could have ever given me… I honestly do not think i could have gotten through the last 100 days (or at least 75 days) without the knowledge that at the end of the day i could sit down for an hour and tell someone, anyone how i am feeling. And not only that, but in complete and utter honesty.

I dont think i have been this honest with myself in a long time. I have realised things about myself i never knew existed, maybe sometimes it is not for the better, but most of the time i think it is, simply because i am not holding my emotions in anymore, and because there are others out there who feel the same as me, or at least understand… Most importantly i have realised i am not alone.

And yes today i baked, and yes today i was a little miserable, but without this challenge, without sitting down for an hour and simply writing how i felt, without my mind wandering and finding that blog…

I wouldnt have remembered that i am not alone…

We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death. Leo F. Buscaglia

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Seventy Four of 100 – Grab, stab n jab… I'm doing it again…

December 5, 2009 0 Comments

Day eight of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

Folks, for those of you out there who havent yet been privileged enough to have to give yourself an injection, then let me introduce you to the wonders…. I was, and for now, will always be to my husbands human pin cushion…

Now i had introduced you to the wonders of FSH and Orgalutran in my last cycle, but as you saw i wasnt very good at giving myself the orgalutran injection (thats the needle that stops you from ovulating)… The needle is quite large and quite blunt.

Anyway, so this time when my fav nurse gave me the needles, i had a little giggle, and told my story bout not being so good at the jabbing… And guess what? There is a technique! That’s right folks, from now on i am doin the grab stab n jab…

Apparently there is no delicate manner to do this, and simply stabbing yourself like its a dart is the way to go…

SO SHE SAID!

Now i am not saying that this technique doesnt work, and i am not saying that i have perfected the technique just yet, HOW-EV-ER… My first attempt… EPIC FAIL!

Number 1: i grabbed (and let me tell you at the mo, there is aLOT of fat there to grab – so you’d thunk that it wouldnd hurt right? WRONG!)

Number 2: deep breath in, deep breath out… Husband “What are you doing?” Me “grab and stab”… husband “thats not going to work”… me “eh” deep breath in deep breath out… giggle at myself….

Number 3: Stab… ekkkkk ready, aim, fire! OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!

IT BOUNCED AND THEN WENT IT….

Number 4: Jab… actually get the hormone into you… it is at this point i wish i had longer fingers… they dont really make it easy for us short stumpers to reach the pushery inery bit…

Number 5: Husband “told you so… you should practice on an orange”… yer right moron (sarcasm inserted here) the needles cost $88 each, you think im going to practice?

So tonight, tonight folks will be my second attempt at the grab, stab n jab…

At least i have a week to perfect the technique… after which i wont need it anymore

*sigh* i love IVF – i really really do…

If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old. Edgar Watson Howe

Filed Under: The Final Cycle

Day Seventy Three of 100 – Are you there God? We need you…

December 4, 2009 0 Comments

Day seven of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH plus Orgalutran injection

I was going to write something funny tonight, my nurse gave me a new technique called the grab and stab… but that will have to wait until tomorrow, as i have a friend in need…

I have just finished reading my friends blog and i am in tears not knowing quite what to do or say…

I know too well the emotions she is feeling right now and i honestly feel her pain. Getting a BFN… it is so hard, its not fair, its just not fair!…

No matter what happens, no matter the hope we have, no matter what anyone says, no matter how kind the words are, no matter how hopeful the ‘next’ chance is, there is always still that voice in the back of your mind wondering, what about me? Why cant it have happened this time, last time, or why couldnt it have happened a year ago? Why God WHY!? WHAT ABOUT ME!

Last week i too got a BFN – my 3rd official IVF BFN and my 7th official fertility assisted BFN… That is seven times i have had to go through this and seven times i have had to pick my self up and give myself enough hope to continue, seven times i have cried and cried and cried – just like my friend.

And just like my friend i look up into the sky, into the heavens, and said ‘why me? what have i done wrong? what have i done to dserve this?

My faith this year has gone from hot to cold, cold to hot, i have been so angry at God at times i have swore never to believe again, i swore that there could not be a God for if there was he surely would not be so cruel… But then i watch the sunrise, i enjoy what i have, and i find myself right back where i started, praying that things will work out, praying for family, praying for friends, praying for people i dont know, praying… and if i pray, it must be that i believe… My husband tells me that it is what gets me through, and maybe it is, maybe just saying what we want out loud, believing in miracles, is what faith is about…

I dont know, i dont understand it, sometimes it really is just too hard…

I never know the answers, and i believe it is because there isnt any, i wish i had the answers for my friend, i wish i could prove that God is out there, feeling her pain… but i cant, and i dont even have any words to comfort her…

So many people have told us that God has a plan, or that God is testing us, or that we are being put through this because we are strong, i feel my friends pain when she says “Why is this so hard? Why are you making this so hard on us? Just tell me what I need to do for this to work! Tell me how to make this ache in my heart stop! I need to believe your real…I need to feel your presence…I need something…..” I have screamed into the heavens that i dont want this anymore, i have screamed that i dont want something better, i have screamed that this isnt fair, and i have screamed and begged for my own child, and i have cried so hard and for so long that my head hurt so much that i couldnt breath anymore..

And at the end of it all, the next day, i wake up and realise that there is nothing i can do… there is nothing i can do… which is why i pray… because if there is nothing i can do but pray, then i am doing something right? and maybe that is what faith is for, maybe that is what faith is… when you have nothing else but a glimmer of hope…

I am going round and round in circles, but it is because i have no answers, i really wish i had answers, or at least some words, if not for me, for my friend who needs them most of all right now…

I have thought in the past ‘i wish i could see the results of my prayers’ but then i sit here tonight, and realise that i do, i have seen the results of my prayers… there have been at least 4 from what i can count BFP’s in the last two weeks… that has to mean something doesnt it? But that doesnt help me, and that doesnt answer my personal prayers, and that doesnt help my friend who is currently crying herself to sleep… WHAT ABOUT US LORD, WHAT ABOUT US?

Tonight instead of a hallmark finish, instead of saying something that could make others feel better, that would solve some internal faith debates… I sit here and i ask the same question..

ARE YOUR THERE GOD? are you there…

“We’re not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” CS Lewis

Filed Under: Emotional, The Final Cycle

Day Seventy Two of 100 – Dear Santa…

December 3, 2009 0 Comments

Day six of the final full IVF cycle in our quest to chase our little miracle - 125 iu’s FSH

Dear Santa,

This year i only put one thing on my list.

Santa you know who has been naughty and you know who has been nice, i am one of the nice ones, so please please please bring me and my friends a BFP this Christmas.

Sure there have been a few minor incidents this year, but surely you could just chuck a couple of bits of coal in my stocking for those? You know me Santa, i am not looking for ‘things’ this christmas, in fact, forget any ‘things’, i have no room to put them in my tiny unit, i have no use for ‘stuff’ and ‘stuff’ wont make me happy…

No, no santa this year i just want that one thing please.

Santa, i know i havent written you a letter for a while, and i know that sometimes the christmas cheer escapes me, but santa this year i would really appreciate it if you could look hard in the bottom of your toy cupboards at the north pole, and find some BFP’s. Or santa if you have none left in the bottom of the cupboards, could you please ask the elves to find some for us?

I know you have your list of who has been naughty and who has been nice, and i know your sitting there in your red coat sipping a hot coco going through that list trying to decide who deserves the baby dust most of all this year, and i know it is your decision, but santa when you are double checking that list, cross off the crack whores, the child abusers, and cross of the teenages who think a child is the worst thing ever – give them their freedom this christmas… Sprinkle the baby dust my way instead.

Santa i’ve been a good girl this year, please make all my christmas’s come true.

From 100 Days of IVF

PS Santa, my husband would really like a flat screen this christmas too… but we would prefer the baby

Filed Under: The Final Cycle