Day 131 – I felt a little empty, as i waved goodbye to my friends…

Eight weeks, five days. Day 63 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Imagine you are at the airport about to walk through the gates on to a plane that is taking you on the most exciting adventure, you turn around and there are your friends standing there waving you good bye, they cant come with you, you know that you may see them again, but for now, you must say good bye…

For nearly a year i went to the Life Fertility Clinic, nearly twice a week, each week, always being greeted by the same smiling faces, always being cared for by the most caring people.  Each time i walked into that clinic i felt like i was loved, like someone cared enough to remember my name.

A year ago they were strangers to me, but on friday as i went down the elevator for the last time, i felt empty, like i was walking away from friends.  I felt like i had come all this way, i was now ready for my grand adventure, but all my friends, all the people that stood by me through the toughest time, the people that took my calls even when they were too busy to, the people that shared most of my joys and most of my sadness, well that was it, they were there waving my good bye, wishing me well on my grand adventure.

I know it must sound just that little bit silly, growing attached to the staff at the clinic, but, well… It is true.  They were the ones that were there for me when i thought all hope was lost.  And they were the ones that helped my miracle come true, with out them, i may not be where i am right now.  If i hadnt had that support, if i didnt get the follow up calls, if i didnt have smiling faces each time i went to the clinic, maybe i wouldnt have gone on….Maybe i would have given up the many times i thought i wanted to.

So here i am now, sitting on the plane, waiting for my adventure to begin.  I cant wait for the plane to land, yet i am still sad that my friends cant come along with me.

Maybe one day i will return, and my friends will once again be there for me….  But until then, i will hold a special place in my heart for each and everyone of them.

Even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends. Anon

Day 130 – When is too soon?

Eight weeks, four days. Day 62 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have now known for two full weeks that i am pregnant, and only now is the real excitement setting in… And the nerves…

I have waited so long for this moment, for this time where we get to think about all the things that we never got to think about before, but how soon is too soon to start planning? To start researching…  I dont mean all the boring stuff like finances, i am talking about the FUN stuff, you know, the baby nursary, the cots, the prams, the  redecorating, painting… The baby shower…  THE NAMES? OMG we will be responsible for naming a HUMAN! EKK… (thats where the nerves set in, oh that and labor, but thats another blog another time)

How long do i wait before i start planning that stuff? Before we start discussing names?  I cant wait to go shopping for baby stuff to start decorating the room, i know that is already done in my head, i know exactly what i want, but you know, the reaserching on line, the shopping, oh the buying of baby stuff…

Is it too soon, should i wait longer before i get excited, before i start setting things in concrete, or should i dare to show my excitement, dare to discuss the previously undiscussable topics?

Oh the possiblilties are endless, if i start now… i may just change my mind one thousand and one times before i actually get to decorate and shop…

And the sad thing is, i am just excited that i get to write that i am excited!

Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning. Gloria Steinem

Day 129 – Bloggedy blog blog bloggedy blog…

Eight weeks, three days. Day 61 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have to say each time i get one of these i feel just that little bit more special.  I feel like i can make a difference, and that people are listening and caring… So thank you to one of my most favorite bloggers out there, Jen, not only do i love her name ;) i also LOVE LOVE LOVE her posts at The Road to Happily Ever After

And today (ok ok ok it was yesterday, or maybe the day before – give me a break, i’m tired!!) i was chosen for a Beautiful Blogger Award…

I think this one is a little more special, cause… weeeeeeeelllll…. I am beautiful! (It says it – i have proof now…)

The Rules are:

  • Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
  • Copy the award and place it in your blog.
  • Link the person who nominated you for this award.
  • Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
  • Nominate 7 bloggers.
  • Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

Soooooooooooooooooo….  SEVEN INTERSTING THINGS ABOUT ME!

  1. When i was 6 my family and i moved to paris, where my father worked on the tunnel… We lived there for three years, and the thing i remember the most…. When dad told my sister and i there was an elephant out side, and my sister and i ran to the window, only to hear ‘APRIL FOOL’… that was my first April fool
  2. I have approximately 35 handbags in the top of my cupboard… ok so that is not THAT Many… but i have never ‘re-used’ any of them, if i want a different handbag, i will buy a new one…
  3. My next goal in life is to run a 1/2 marathon… my aim is 2011
  4. I have a tickle spot…. between my little toe and the next toe, i cant stand it when someone touches it… My husband will often put a piece of something between my toes, then hold my hands so i cant get it out, and it drives me crazy!!
  5. I have a mental temper, when i get mad, i get mad… I once threw all the contents of the dishwasher on the floor i was so mad!
  6. My favorite TV show is Get Smart
  7. I am an early bird, i love mornings… Just LOVE them

Now, SEVEN BLOGGERS WHO I PASS THIS BEAUTIFUL BLOG AWARD ON TO

  1. Sarah Hawker
  2. Sass Barker
  3. Brenda (AKA Prayingforbby)
  4. TypeaNightmare
  5. Infertility N Me
  6. A Girl with Pearls
  7. Born 2 b a Mommy

That’s it…. Thank you again Jen *MWAH*

A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are. Anon

Day 128 – I shed a tear this morning

Eight weeks, two days. Day 60 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

As i have told you on many occasions before, the year of 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, and it was hard for reasons other than my journey chasing you.

Last year the man we all knew as Opie, my mothers father, your great grandfather, left this world to be with his daughter.

I am ok, we are all ok, but it doesnt make us miss him any less, most of the time i remember him in passing, latley a little more because your cousin Charlie, well he riminds me in a beautiful way, just how special Opie was to us… And this morning almost out of the blue i received an email which made me think just a little bit more of him, and for a brief moment a wave of sadness washed over me knowing that you would never get to know Opie.

Our Opie was one of the most treasured people i have ever know, he had the kindest spirit, and was by far the most treasureable grandfather of all, and most importantly he was my mothers father, your grandmothers father.

The thing that brings a tear to my eye right now, is the thought that you, my miracle, will never get that chance to meet him, nor will you ever get the chance to meet his daughter, my mother.

If i had one wish for you, it would be that my family and i will be able to share with you the many memories we have of both my mother and Opie, and that you will grow up knowing that you have the most wonderful family.  I pray that even though you will never have the opportunity to meet them,you will know that they are a part of you, and that i will ensure that you know just how much they influenced my life, and thus your life too.

My miracle, you will meet many people in your life, but know that sometimes it is the people who you never knew, or will never know, that are the biggest influence on your life, and that mean the most in the place that matters the most; your heart.

Love from a mother that will be

Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose. Kevin Arnold

Day 127 – Wordless Wednesday

Eight weeks, one day. Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop. Ovid

Day 126 – Am i paranoid?

Eight weeks Day 59 in the quest to chase our little miracle

What if?

I wish i could get all negatives out of my head, but there seems to be one little thought that is stuck right on in there…

What if?

I am working so hard against my fears and doubts, and i am praying each and everyday for george, but i get a cramp, or back pain, or just a feeling, and, well, my fears return.

I havent done this before, i dont know how i am meant to feel, and i dont know the difference between a good feeling and a bad feeling, i dont know how tired i am meant to be, how hungry i am meant to feel…  It is leaving me quite confused!

But am i being paranoid?

I want to be happy… No, no I AM HAPPY, i am the happiest and most excited i have ever been, and i think the paranoia will ease in four weeks, when i get through what has seemingly been labeled the “danger period”

I think the worst thing for me is people saying “just wait until the 12 weeks” “just see what happens”

I dont understand that…  I know i am paranoid, but i have right to be – it is my body doing weird things, other people they should just be happy, none of these doubts, or at least not out loud…

I dont know, maybe i am just being silly, maybe  i am just tired, maybe this is normal….

All i know is i cant wait to hold my little george in my arms, and i know my husband feels the same, and we just want this to be the most perfect trouble free pregnancy….

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what’s going on. William S. Burroughs

Day 125 – I think the body knows what the body needs…

Seven Weeks, six days. Day 58 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Argh! I swore ages ago that when i fell pregnant, i wouldnt over eat and i would make sure that i kept up my healthy lifestyle… But i tell you it is hard!

For the last three years i have chosen to have a very healthy diet, where my calories were limited to about 1200 a day… Now i am not trying to stick to that, nope not at all, but i thought that i could continue the way i used to eat at least for the first little while… Nope – WRONG!

I am HUNGRY!  And i know it is my body just using the energy it needs… But still, it is like i cant get full… And not feeling well as well just makes it harder and harder to know what to eat, and when to eat it!

I am eating fruit – 2 pieces a day, plus breakfast, plus a large salad for lunch, then a huge dinner, but still – HUNGRY! I ate tea a half hour ago, well ok, maybe an hour ago, and i am starving again….

I really wish there was like a strict diet plan for pregnancy, where you were told what to eat and when to eat it, that is what i am used to see, my personal trainer used to give me a chart of what to eat and at what time to eat it… Call me silly or insane, but that is what i am used to – and it worked for me, i was never hungry, and i always knew what to eat and when to eat it, and i always knew i was treating my body correctly… Now, well as you can see i am just confused… silly really…

It makes me wonder if it is meant to be like this?  Or if my brain is playing tricks on me?

Sanity in a world of insanity is insane

Day 124 – Have you ever felt so tired?

Seven Weeks, five days. Day 57 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Have you every just felt so tired that nothing makes sense and everything is just goes into the ‘to hard basket’?

That is me…

Too hard today… It is all too hard…

I was feeling upset because no one understood, i was feeling misunderstood, and like everyone was against me, like no one could possibly get what i went through or why the decisions i was trying to make were so hard for me to make.  I felt like everyone was being so hypocritical…

But then i realized how tired i was, and that pressuring myself to make a decision RIGHT now was not helping me or George…  i decided that i just needed time for myself to think it through, to decide what i really want, to be more informed in my decision…

So today, i leave it there…

Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired. Anon

Day 123 – Wha? You never thought of that?

Seven Weeks, four days. Day 56 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Who de fool?

We are!

I’d like to say that i was prepared for all of this… I’d like to say that we had been smart and thought of everything BEFORE we started TTCing, but to be honest we just stopped taking the pill and thought all would work itself out from there… But it didnt!

As you all know we needed help, and that became our priority, we didnt even really think about anything pregnancy related, well i didnt at least, for fear of disappointment later on…

So now that we have actually reached the goal that all married couples hope to reach, we have found ourselves unprepared for the questions that have now risen…

Two such topics came up in thursdays doctors appointment…

  1. Private or Public – you see in Aus here you can choose whether to purchase health insurance or not, and silly DH & I said “when will we ever need that?” It seems now, we need it!  The debate with DH is, is the money worth it? I say yes, due to the fact of personalized care, and due to the fact that we have spend so much getting to this point.. We would never forgive ourselves if we didnt get the best care for our child.  DH’s perspective, i could take more time off work…?
  2. (Ewww) Vaginal Birth or C-Section – So i always assumed that vaginal was the norm… Nope it seems i was wrong, no norms anymore!  Apparently now there is a choice, and doctors seem to recommend C-Section…  But in saying that, that will only be an option if i go private, and it will cost more… But in saying THAT, again we only want the best for our baby, and what is best for our miracle…?

There are so many things i never even thought we would have to think about… And so many different opinions, i thought it would be nurseries and fluffy toys from here on in, i think i thought i knew what i wanted…  It is like this scary, wonderful, magnificent furr ball all wrapped up, and caught in my throat!

Ekkk… How do i want my baby to enter the world?   All I know i just want the safest and healthiest way for my baby, no matter the cost to me financially or physically… Now DH and i just have to find the guts make the choices….

HELP?!

Choices are the hinges of destiny.  ~Attributed to both Edwin Markham and Pythagoras

Day 122 – We told you so! (Relaxing, my rear end!)

Seven Weeks, three days. Day 55 in the quest to chase our little miracle

So i was reading my good friend Kate’s blog (Busted Plumbing – you should go there, always good for a giggle) the other day, and i stumbled upon her post
Katie Says “Put A Sock In It”: (“Relax” Advice Drives Infertiles Crazy), and it got me thinking…

So many times over the past year while i was doing IVF, and even before i was doing IVF, i got the same ‘wonderful’ advice, “just relax cheryl” “just take a holiday”.. blah blah f-in blah… So anyway i didnt relax, no i didnt.. not for  a second… My last cycle i was as stressed as i have ever been, maybe even a touch more cause this was our ‘final’ cycle…

And wouldnt you know it – i say it again – i am pregnant… (Ekk! it is scary wonderful exciting when i say it out loud!)

But this is not the story… no no no… my story today is about being told that, yes in fact my family, friends, and strangers from the deep… were in fact correct, all i had to do was relax..

HUH?! you say?  But cheryl wasnt relaxed, she just said that she was as stressed as ever?!

Apparently the purchase of a puppy has made me pregnant… or relaxed enough to become pregnant…?!

WOOO hold on a minute, you say… a puppy, weeeeeeeelllll maybe they are correct then, maybe cheryl was distracted enough not to realise that the puppy actually relaxed her enough to make her pregnant?!

WRONG!!!!

I got the puppy on the 28 December…..

2ww begun on the 19 December…

I bleed and thought it was over on the 26 December…

so :p (that is me poking my tongue out at you)

The 2ww was over, and george was implanted BEFORE i got my puppy!

I will maybe accept that my puppy helped me get through the following couple of weeks, and i will definatly accept that my puppy is going to help me through the next 9 months…. But i WILL NOT accept “relaxing” or “being distracted” as a method of falling pregnant!

NO I WILL NOT!!!

I WILL NOT, take your “i told you so’s”, i will not take your whispers to my husband behind my back, and i will not take your “see – all you needed was a distraction” comments… BLAH!

The 2ww was the critical time, and yes i did things differently this time, yes i had more faith then i have ever had, but no, no i am not pregnant due to relaxing…

Stress is nothing more than a socially acceptable form of mental illness.  Richard Carlson