Limbo Land Day Seven
You know that feeling when your not sure whether to cry, laugh, or simply shake your head at yourself... That is me. I have literally spent the whole day trying to think of something funny to post tonight, something that could make light of the ridiculousness of my behavior over the past 36 hours... But i couldnt think of anything that would or could possibly explain it...
I have over the last couple of days been exploring myself for signs of pregnancy, i guess to confirm that i havent hurt anything, and maybe to reassure myself that everything is going to be ok on monday. I have picked up a calendar, then quickly put it down about three times already, thinking about dates, then not letting myself explore that just yet, telling myself that there will be time for that in the weeks to come. I have checked out my boobs more in the past three days then i have ever in my life time. I even showed DH and asked if he thought they looked bigger!... I have wondered about nausea and tiredness and little cramps. I have wondered about the coffee i was drinking and the fetta cheese that i couldnt avoid in last nights salad... I have wandered every time i peed, whether i was peeing more than normal... From any other perspective i might just be considered INSANE! And then i think to myself - is this normal? Is this what other IVF or TTC people think when they find out they are pregnant? or maybe pregnant?
But then again, what else do i do? What else would anyone else in this situation do?
I am scared to hope for fear of breaking down if the outcome is not as hoped, i am scared to think negatively for fear of sending negative vibes. I am worried about the outcome, yet i know that whatever happens happens, and i will be ok in the end - it just goes round and round and back again, and i still wonder if this is normal? And even how long this will continue?
I know that in 48 hours there will be an answer, and this craziness might possibly subside - I just hope it is the answer i spent the past 102 days dreaming about...
Sometimes the answer to prayer is not that it changes life, but that it changes you. James Dillet Freeman
