Limbo Land Day Eleven
Nine days ago, i was okay with this, i was ready to go beyond IVF, i was ready to accept life without TTC for a little while. My sketch of hope, faith and love, of my life beyond this mess, gave me the inspiration i needed, i drew this last week when i had finally accepted that this was over…
But now today, all i can do is question why it had to be like this. And again ask where are you God? Where are you now? How can i possibly continue to have faith, to believe in miracles, when they are given to me and taken away… A dear dear friend of mine told me that God is not in the business of taking babies, he is in the business of making babies… Then why oh why am i going through this again? What have i done to deserve this and why must i hurt like this again…?
Maybe i am counting my chickens before they hatch, maybe i have lost faith too early… but how can i not, how can i possibly have hope when all the signs are bad, when i am once again in so much pain?
This is the hardest thing i have ever had to write, because i know that i will be told that it is not true, but no matter what you say, no matter what i am told, i will never ever forgive myself …
If i could go back in time, if i could take myself back a week, i would be able to stop myself from going for that run, and from doing that heavy workout, and maybe just maybe this woulnt have happened, maybe i would be sitting here writing how my life is so much better, how i am the happiest lady on the earth, but i am not, i am not because i made a mistake, i was scared a week ago, now i feel nothing but guilt.
I wish i knew why this was happening to me, and i wish i had answers, its not fair, it is just not fair, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i have faith, how much i believe, no matter how much i love God, and be the best i can be in Gods eyes, for some reason it is not enough, it is not meant to be, it is not my time…
I know i am headed beyond IVF and i have so much to look forward to, but for just one last time, i say – WHY ME? Why God are you taking this away from me, and why are you making this so hard for me?
And one last time i say grasping for one last breath of hope- maybe the chickens have been counted before they have hatched…
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. Anon
