Limbo Land Day Twelve
I have lost hope, and i have lost my spirit, all i constantly think, is i cant take this anymore, i dont understand the pain, and i dont understand why so many people have to go through this and worse, and i hate the fact that going through this has made me bitter, that it has changed me, that i have lost my carefree spirit, i hate all those things and much much more...
I have to have faith i keep telling myself, i have to believe in miracles, i have to believe i will be ok... That for some stupid reason there is purpose to my pain...
But when will i be ok? When does it stop hurting? When and how does my mind turn from i hate this, to i believe, from i cant focus on anything else, to i have complete faith?
When will i stop crying myself to sleep?
I want to have faith, but it hurts
I want to be ok, but im not
I want to believe, but all i see is suffering
I need a miracle
I need to see something that will once more make me believe that there is something wonderful out there, a reason, a purpose, something for me to have hope for, something for me to live for.
I need a miracle
I know deep down i want nothing more than to have complete and utter faith... Faith that i will get over this, faith that my life will go on for the next six months without me questioning my decisions, faith that my relationship will be ok, faith that i will be ok, faith that i will find hope again, faith that my lost spirit will come back to me, faith that i will one day look at myself and like who i see, faith that there are options, and more than anything i want faith that i will one day feel my own child growing inside of me...
But its so hard, it is just so hard...
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and Hope. Jeremiah 29:11
