2010 January

Day 121 – Each day a new miracle

January 21, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, two days. Day 54 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Okay so maybe not each day a new miracle, but each week.

Today i had my 5th scan of my pregnancy, and it never ever ceases, and i dont think it will ever cease to amaze me, just how a life grows, or just how quickly a life grows… I wish i could show you the images we have, but the clarity isnt enough, and the images just arnt enough to describe the amazement, the awe, and the feeling that the actual visual on the ultrasound gives me, just to see something go from nothing, to a void, to a void with a dot, to a void with a wriggling line (fetal pole) to todays vision. A 0.92cm blob, with a beat, in a void, with a yolk…

I know i have said this before, and i know i should have faith no matter what, but each time i see my little miracle my faith is renewed… It just amazes me that a little life grows so fast, that i have finally got a life inside of me, that there is a part of me and my wonderful husband inside, just waiting to meet us…

I know it is easy for me to say, but miracles are real, miracles do happen every day. Miracles dont have to be out of the ordinary, they just have to be extraordinary. They just have to make you believe in something bigger than you or me, they have to make you believe in your heart that God is real, and they have to make you see that hope is worth holding onto…

I thought hope was lost, i thought i would give up, i thought that it wasnt meant to be… But it was, there was a plan, and while i will never forget the pain i went through for this, it was all worth it and i wouldnt change it for the earth.

I have never felt this much joy in my life before, and i see the happiness in my husbands eyes and know he feels the same…

Praise the Lord for a miracle!

Fear can keep us up all night long, but faith makes one fine pillow. Anon

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, courage, Embryo, God, hope, inspiration, journey, pregnant

Day 120 – I reserve the right not to be reserved

January 20, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks, one day. Day 53 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I was planning to post not only a wordless wednesday, but also i was thinking of blogging about something that rang true to me this morning… But then as i began to write, i began hesitating, i saved the draft and wondered if i should post or or not…

I will post it, but tomorrow…

The point is, lately i have been feeling reserved, like i am not sure where to go from here, or rather i know exactly what to write about, but i am worried about offending everyone… I dont know why i should feel so reserved – especially since i have never cared before, but now, it is like my miracle has come along, and now i am worried that if i write how i feel i will offend the friends i have made along the way to my miracle, or even worse offend my miracle…

I am so confused at the moment about where i stand… I know how all the TTC people feel, i have been there, but i feel like such a hypocrite now saying that it will be ok, cause for me it is ok – isnt it?

I also have my believes and sometimes i think that when i write about them, and my faith, or try to express my feelings i am doing it wrong and i often feel that when i write i am offending the very people i want to learn from… I know i will move past these reservations, and i know that this blog in the end is for me and my miracle, but…

I dont know, i just feel like i need to hold back… or that i am holding back?

There is safety in reserve, but no attraction. One cannot love a reserved person. Jane Austen

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant, questions

Wordless Wednesday

January 20, 2010 0 Comments

Filed Under: Wordless Wednesday Tagged With: Beliefs, courage, emotions, peace

Day 119 – Mysterious Magical fruit…

January 19, 2010 0 Comments

Seven Weeks. Day 52 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Day Ninety of 100, or Day Twenty Three of this cycle – desperate times call for desperate measures… if you all recall, i ate pineapples, for three days infact… and yes, yes i was sick of them after three days, i swore i would never eat pineapples again…

However….

Maybe there is some truth to this mysterious fruit… Maybe the myths about the fruits holding magical powers for implantation, are not myths at all, maybe just maybe, in years to come, doctors will be telling us that pineapples are part of the program, along with all the prenatal vitamins, injections, nose sprays and pessaries… who knows?

What i do know is this time i ate pinapples, no other time did i eat pineapples, just this time, and wouldnt you know it, i am pregnant…

So i dont know about you…. but i need no further explanation… i am now an avid believer of pineapples for implantation…

What about you?

The world is full of magical things, whether you believe it or not is your choice.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Beliefs, Embryo, God, hope, journey, peace, pineapple, pregnant

Day 118 – They are only fears…

January 18, 2010 0 Comments

Six Weeks, 6 Days. Day 51 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have been debating whether or not to write this or not, for fear of making my worst nightmares real, but this blog is me – the real me, inside and out, so i am not going to lie, or dismiss something that i am feeling. And I am not sure who my audience is now, who is reading my blog, and i apologize if i offend anyone out there, but i am going to continue writing in the only way i know how… By telling the truth about me.

You know when you have news, really really GREAT news, people are so very excited for you, over the moon, so much so that it brings a tear to their eye? But then, they care so much for you, they try to reassure you that it is going to be ok, even when you never thought it wouldnt?

I have gotten twice now “As long as you make it through the first 12 weeks”

They care, i know they do, they are just being real… and i wont lie, i am scared, i have my fears, but in the end i have to be positive, i have to rebuke my fears and doubts and just believe. I must to have faith, i do have faith…

But this is all so new to me, so exciting, so life defining, everything i ever imagined, how could i not pinch myself, do a double take, want to make sure this is real, and that it is not in my head, and make sure that it will never end?

Without faith, nothing is possible. With it, nothing is impossible. Mary McLeod Bethune

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, Embryo, God, inspiration, journey, miracle, peace, Religion

Day 117 – Just believe

January 17, 2010 0 Comments

Day 50 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I never imagined that something so small could bring me so much joy. I never imagined i would feel so much love so early on… But you have, and i do…

For a long time i wasnt allowed to believe you were mine, for so long i was told to proceed with caution, but i have to believe this is it, i have to believe you are in there, your heart beating stronger and stronger each minute, and i believe with all my heart and soul that my little miracle, you will be with me and your father in the spring of 2010.

I may be told to proceed with caution, but i have waited for so long for this moment, for this dream to become reality, i want to cherish every moment of it… And because you fill my heart with a joy i never imagined possible, because i love you so dearly more and more each day, because i believe that you are my miracle, i pray.

I pray each and every day for you, and i will pray for you each day until i hold you in my arms, and even then i wont stop praying for you. I want you to know that you are a miracle, and i want you to believe that no matter how much science can explain your existence, i believe with every ounce of my being, that you are a miracle, sent to me from the Lord above…

Love from a mother that will be…

For those who have love there are always miracles

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, God, inspiration, journey, miracle, pregnant, Religion

Day 116 – Opening that cupboard door

January 16, 2010 0 Comments

Day 49 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I do this often, and technically today should be no different to any other morning, but it was. This morning when my alarm went off, for the first time in almost a year, i actually jumped out of bed and looked forward to the day.

For that split second this morning, before the sun had even risen, i was excited to have the whole day ahead of me, i was excited about the future, i was excited to be getting out of bed for a walk, just me, the sunrise, and my tunes… I was finally excited…

And as i walked and watched the sunrise, it was like a door had opened, not a door to another world, but more a door to a cupboard… And in that cupboard held all the things i have been so desperately wanting to think about, but have not been able to, or felt like i was not allowed to… For years now i have been putting all my thoughts about anything baby into that cupboard, and this morning, this morning i got to open it…

I spent an hour and a half just thinking about all the things i wasnt allowed to think about before, i thought about things that i was scared to think about, and as i walked and as i said a quick prayer, i noticed i was crying…

I was crying because i went through hell and back. And i will never ever forget that, i will never forget the feeling that i went through something, something that made me scream, something that made me cry like i never cried before, something that made me feel pain like no one, expect the people who have experienced this, could possibly understand…

I went through hell and back, but because of that i now can have gratitude, love, appreciation, and faith when i open that cupboard door and think about the things i have so desperately wanted to think about… And because of the trials i faced, i can watch the sunrise once more, and be filled with endless hope…

Put your HOPE in God. Psalm 42:22

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: answers, Baby, Beliefs, God, hope, miracle, peace, pregnant

Day 115 – I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you…

January 15, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land is no more… Day 48 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I chased you, i sought you, and now i see you… One week ago i saw a void, i saw a miracle begin… Today i witnessed yet another miracle, today i saw your little heart beat, i saw a life inside of me that is no bigger than a few millimeters… My little miracle, today i got to celebrate your life, today i finally got the confirmation that you were alive, that you were really there, that you my little miracle will one day soon be in my arms…

Happiness overcame me, tears flowed down my cheeks as i saw this tiny little life inside of me move… I have never experienced anything as amazing as i did today, i have never felt so overwhelmed with the knowledge that there is a God and he is listening…

My miracle there is nothing more that can express to you my deepest emotions…

Love from a mother that will be

You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen. Paulo Coelho

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle Tagged With: Baby, Beliefs, Embryo, emotions, Fertility, God, hope, inspiration, journey, miracle, peace, pregnant, Religion

Day 114 – I am lost for words tonight…

January 14, 2010 0 Comments

Limbo Land Day Twenty… Day 47 in the final quest to chase our little miracle

I am lost for words tonight, i thought that i knew how i felt, i thought i was scared about tomorrow, i thought i knew who i was and what i thought, and then i received an honest opinion…

I realized that this is what i really needed tonight. Something that made me look at my inner most thoughts, my worries, my pain, what i have wanted, and the way i have looked at myself…

Someone to guide me, to let me know that things are ok – but to just take another look. I realized that everything that i was told was true, that sometimes i fear the worst for unjust reasons, that sometimes i look at myself with an eye of hate, and that sometimes when i doubt what i have, i give reason to let the devil in.

And i think that today, that has been the best gift…

Learning that through my words, i can receive advice. Learning that i can be healed if i just ask, learning that i am not alone, and that there are wonderful people out there just waiting to help me, to guide me, and to strengthen my faith…

To accept good advice is but to increase one’s own ability. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe