Twelve weeks, two days. Day 88 in the quest to chase our little miracle

This week my heart has broken in joy, and my heart has broken in pain.

Today i realised some of the pain my sister endured last year.  Today i saw my pain in a good friend, i saw a person who i wished i could help but couldnt.

Today i was helpless, and it hurt me more than i could have ever imagined.

There was nothing i could do, there was nothing i could say, no words that would heal.  I felt the pain i endured, but i knew that was nothing compared to how my friend was suffering.  I could not help, i could not do anything to ease the hurt and the pain that a strong woman was enduring.

For the first time i felt selfish, for the first time i wished that i could share my joy and i wished that there was something, anything that i could have done, or could be doing to help, but i am helpless, and it is breaking my heart.

I want nothing more than happiness for my friend, i want nothing more than than to see her spirit whole again, but i am helpless, and when i think of my helplessness i finally understand the other side, i finally understand just how much pain the people i loved went through last year….

I dont know what to say, i dont know what to do. Nothing i can say will help my friend, and nothing i can do will help either…. Honestly it is breaking my heart, and i dont know just what to do… What can i do?

What-can-i-do?

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless. G. K. Chesterton

Twelve weeks. Day 86 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Something i once thought was just a dream, is now my reality.  I could have never imagined the emotions i felt today, i never thought that i would have had the chance to feel this way, and for a long time i never thought that this reality would be my reality.

Today the saying “May all your dreams become reality” meant something to me.  Today i saw two arms, two legs, i saw a beautiful face, and i heard the heart beat of a child that 7 short weeks ago may not have been mine.

My heart broke today in happiness, and while i sat there in the room looking at the screen i remembered what i went through to get here, i remembered the days where i didnt know, and all i could do was pray, i remembered the hopelessness, the hurt, the confusion, the pain that i went through last year, everything rushed through me and it was all i could do but to stop myself falling to the floor in tears of joy.

I went to hell last year, i lost myself, i lost hope, i had given up, but as hard as it was i kept my faith and i prayed for a miracle, and today i truly felt like i had seen a miracle. I witnessed a life move inside of me, i saw my child, and suddenly the hell i walked though to get here was worth it.

No matter how hard it was, and no matter how much i went through, i wouldnt change it.  I learned the preciousness of life and i learned that hopelessness builds faith, and that sometimes faith is all you have to hold onto.

I chased a miracle, and today i saw a 5.41cm miracle, i meet my george, who i just cant wait to hold and treasure and tell that i love with every ounce of my being.

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness.

Eleven Weeks, six days. Day 85 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Today i have been thinking about tomorrow, and what a big day it is for me.  You see not only is it twelve weeks and my scan, but it is also my niece’s tenth birthday.

It is hard to explain just how much my little niece means to me and i am sure that it all has to do with just how much time we spent together when she was little, but honestly, she is close to a child of my own.

I know it sounds a little silly, and it perhaps seems unfair to my nephews, i love them with all of my heart, but i cant help it, she is my little girl and she means the world and more to me.

My niece was the first child i saw come into this world, and she was the first new born baby i ever held, and the second i looked into her eyes, i just knew she was precious.  Since that day 10 years ago i have been there watching her grow into the beautiful young lady she is today, amazed each year at just how much she has grown, and just how grown up she has become.

For a ten year old, she seems so wise past her years, like she has been here before, and understands things that others her age would not, she always knows just what to say, and just when to say it, like she knows how to make you feel better on your saddest days.

I will say that it all began when we shared a room together, i was nineteen, and she was two.  I was in college and my sister offered me a room to stay, so long and i shared with her daughter.  That was fine with me, my sister and i proorly constructed a room divider, and turned the one room into two.  At the time it seemed like a good idea, now, well really it was a waste of effort!

I can recall the first night i stayed over, i crept into bed, of course after the little lady was already asleep, fell asleep myself drifing into my peaceful dreams… Which were suprisingly interupted a few hours later.

There in my bed was my little niece, curled up snug as a bug beside me.

I put her back into her bed.

I woke up again, and there she was, fast a sleep next to me.

Needless to say after a few times i gave up.

Then it happend the next night, the night after, and the night after that.  There were never any tears, no winging, she just kept sneaking back into my bed.  So i let it be, and for the next year we shared a bed, snuggled together through the winter time, keeping eachother safe.

I would  have to say that i wouldnt trade those memories for the world.  I will treasure that plus the memories of the games we used to play, the silly times we spent together, just ‘hanging out’ enjoying  each others company while ‘mum’ was busy studdying or cooking us wonderful meals…

I feel like it was a centuray ago, yet it was the foundation  of the relationship i am priveliged to have with my niece today… I am blessed to have such an amazing family, and i am blessed to be a part of their lives.

All i hope for now, is that i can return the blessing, and in ten years time, my niece can be writting a post about just how much my george and i have influenced, and touched her life.

A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults. Charles Kingsley