Day 159 – I cant help but wonder

Twelve weeks, five days. Day 91 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I am sitting here with the cool air on my face, the puppy asleep on my legs, looking at the images of your face from your scan last week.

My own amazement overwhelms me, and i know by the time you are reading my letters, technology will have progressed and my scans will be ancient, but right now, i dont care, the emotions that i feel thinking of the day in six months times when i meet you, well those emotions will never change, no matter how much the world progresses.

I wonder what colour hair you’ll have, and i wonder what colour eyes.  I wonder if you will be short or tall, and i wonder if your a boy or a girl… But i also sit here and know that none of that matters, so long and you are happy and healthy, and so long as you are mine…

I cant help but dream of your first day of school, what sport you’ll want to play, the times you will cry, and the times you will laugh.  I cant wait to see your first smile, your first tooth, your first step, your first fall, and i cant wait to see your father pick you up in your tears to hold and love you unconditionally.

Nothing can compare to this, nothing will ever compare to the emotions i feel toward you looking at your little face, your little hand, and your little feet… Nothing.  And no matter what happens from this day forth, George, i will always love you.

Love from a mother that will be.

And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln

Day 158 – A story of faith…

Twelve weeks, four days. Day 90 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Day 66 i was so lost and confused, i was hurting and confusion surrounded me, i didnt know what to do and i was scared that i was doing the wrong thing, i just didnt know if i was doing the right thing anymore.  Did i want to do one final cycle, or was that it?

My heart desired a child so much, but everyone was telling me to stop, that what i was doing wasnt good for me anymore.  I was torn between what i wanted, and what i was told was best for me, and all i could do was cry.

That same day i had an appointment with the doctor, and that is truly where this story of faith begins.  After my visit with the doctor i realised that i could take my confusion away, i realised that i could put my hands in the air and say, it is not up to me anymore, i could had over the decision.  No i didnt ask the doctor what to do, i simply put the decision in Gods hands.

For those of you who have trouble finding faith, or believing in miracles, hear me out.  You see to being the last cycle, i had to bleed, however due to the Christmas break the bleed had to begin within the week.  The doctor had prescribed a high dose of of provera to kick start the cycle, however as i drove home i decided that i was not going to take it.

In all my doubt and in all my fears i stopped the car, closed my eyes and prayed harder than i have ever prayed before.  I remember clear as day saying, if i am meant to continue this one last time than i will bleed on my own.  I started the car and drove straight home.

I had no cramps, no pain, no symptoms – but that Friday afternoon, i bleed and the final cycle began.

I dont care that people told me it was a coincidence, for me it was enough to feel confident in my decision, for me it was enough to find my faith once again.  And as i told my story the next day to a dear friend, i remember he said to me “Dont get your hopes up, but if this one works, then i will have to reevaluate”

Today as i remember my story and i remember my confusion, my prayer, and the conversations that followed, i say “so do you now believe?”

Yes i have been scared, and yes i have had doubts, and yes there have been times when the pain was so unbearable i questioned my faith and my beliefs, but today i have to sit here and scream out that there is hope.

I know in my years to come that there will be times where i once again question my faith, and i know there will be times once again when i wonder why, but i will never forget this story, and i will never forget my desperate prayer that was answered and took away my doubt.

A choice was given to me, i asked for help, i prayed for a miracle time and time again, and finally i put it in Gods hands and i received.

As hard as it was, as much as it hurt, as much as i wanted to do this on my own, as much as i wanted to fix this problem, as much as i prayed and begged and cried and hurt, as much as i did, i just had to hold onto my faith, and believe in miracles.

And now i say to you “Do you believe in miracles?  Do you have faith? Because faith isn’t faith until it is all you are holding onto.”

For this child i prayed 1 Samuel 1:27

Day 157 – We Run for Mum 2010

Twelve weeks, three days. Day 89 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I thought I was okay.

I thought that I knew how to survive without her, and I thought that 16 years without a mum was enough time for the pain to heal and for the need of a mum to leave.

But I was wrong.

Through my tears and through my pain I uttered the four words I never imagined I would ever say out loud; I cried “I want my mum”

Sometimes, time just isn’t enough to heal the pain of losing someone you loved with everything that was inside of you, sometimes the pain stays with you, and sometimes through your hardships you learn that saying goodbye just isn’t enough.  I thought that I was okay, but last year I learnt that sometimes you simply need a mum.

This year I can’t run for my mum, but my heart will race, and I will walk for her.

I will remember what I had, and I will remember all that I have, and I will gather my family, my friends, and any soul that understands my pain, and I will walk.

I will walk for the mother I lost, I will walk for all the women who lost their battles every day, and I will walk for all the pain I see in every daughter, every sister, in every mother, every partner, and in every family member or friend, that have to watch someone they know go through something so awful as breast cancer…

This year we walk to raise money for all the tears shed, and for all the souls out there who have had to say good bye to the one person they never thought they would.

Help save someone’s lifetime, and put a smile on a new mothers face.

Sponsor “We run for mum 2010”

In honour of Jenny Bowen 1954 – 1994

Last year my sister and I raised $3,618.00 for breast cancer by running the Mothers Day Classic fun… We joined together with friends and family to spread the word, and too let people know that there is something that we can do to help.

My sister and I suffered the loss of our mother 16 years ago and today I ask from the bottom of my heart for a donation, no matter how small…

Donate here

Join our team here and make sure you select the team “We run for mum”

Please find it in your heart to pass this simple message along to your friends.

Day 156 – My experience reversed

Twelve weeks, two days. Day 88 in the quest to chase our little miracle

This week my heart has broken in joy, and my heart has broken in pain.

Today i realised some of the pain my sister endured last year.  Today i saw my pain in a good friend, i saw a person who i wished i could help but couldnt.

Today i was helpless, and it hurt me more than i could have ever imagined.

There was nothing i could do, there was nothing i could say, no words that would heal.  I felt the pain i endured, but i knew that was nothing compared to how my friend was suffering.  I could not help, i could not do anything to ease the hurt and the pain that a strong woman was enduring.

For the first time i felt selfish, for the first time i wished that i could share my joy and i wished that there was something, anything that i could have done, or could be doing to help, but i am helpless, and it is breaking my heart.

I want nothing more than happiness for my friend, i want nothing more than than to see her spirit whole again, but i am helpless, and when i think of my helplessness i finally understand the other side, i finally understand just how much pain the people i loved went through last year….

I dont know what to say, i dont know what to do. Nothing i can say will help my friend, and nothing i can do will help either…. Honestly it is breaking my heart, and i dont know just what to do… What can i do?

What-can-i-do?

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless. G. K. Chesterton

Day 155 – A heart beats on a wordless wednesday

Twelve weeks, one day. Day 87 in the quest to chase our little miracle

boom boom boom, beats the little heart…

165 beats per minute, i hope i never forget.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they’ve been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they’ve been betrayed, to those who still love even though they’ve been hurt before. Anon

Day 154 – My heart broke with happiness today…

Twelve weeks. Day 86 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Something i once thought was just a dream, is now my reality.  I could have never imagined the emotions i felt today, i never thought that i would have had the chance to feel this way, and for a long time i never thought that this reality would be my reality.

Today the saying “May all your dreams become reality” meant something to me.  Today i saw two arms, two legs, i saw a beautiful face, and i heard the heart beat of a child that 7 short weeks ago may not have been mine.

My heart broke today in happiness, and while i sat there in the room looking at the screen i remembered what i went through to get here, i remembered the days where i didnt know, and all i could do was pray, i remembered the hopelessness, the hurt, the confusion, the pain that i went through last year, everything rushed through me and it was all i could do but to stop myself falling to the floor in tears of joy.

I went to hell last year, i lost myself, i lost hope, i had given up, but as hard as it was i kept my faith and i prayed for a miracle, and today i truly felt like i had seen a miracle. I witnessed a life move inside of me, i saw my child, and suddenly the hell i walked though to get here was worth it.

No matter how hard it was, and no matter how much i went through, i wouldnt change it.  I learned the preciousness of life and i learned that hopelessness builds faith, and that sometimes faith is all you have to hold onto.

I chased a miracle, and today i saw a 5.41cm miracle, i meet my george, who i just cant wait to hold and treasure and tell that i love with every ounce of my being.

We can only appreciate the miracle of a sunrise if we have waited in the darkness.

Day 153 – Blessed to remember

Eleven Weeks, six days. Day 85 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Today i have been thinking about tomorrow, and what a big day it is for me.  You see not only is it twelve weeks and my scan, but it is also my niece’s tenth birthday.

It is hard to explain just how much my little niece means to me and i am sure that it all has to do with just how much time we spent together when she was little, but honestly, she is close to a child of my own.

I know it sounds a little silly, and it perhaps seems unfair to my nephews, i love them with all of my heart, but i cant help it, she is my little girl and she means the world and more to me.

My niece was the first child i saw come into this world, and she was the first new born baby i ever held, and the second i looked into her eyes, i just knew she was precious.  Since that day 10 years ago i have been there watching her grow into the beautiful young lady she is today, amazed each year at just how much she has grown, and just how grown up she has become.

For a ten year old, she seems so wise past her years, like she has been here before, and understands things that others her age would not, she always knows just what to say, and just when to say it, like she knows how to make you feel better on your saddest days.

I will say that it all began when we shared a room together, i was nineteen, and she was two.  I was in college and my sister offered me a room to stay, so long and i shared with her daughter.  That was fine with me, my sister and i proorly constructed a room divider, and turned the one room into two.  At the time it seemed like a good idea, now, well really it was a waste of effort!

I can recall the first night i stayed over, i crept into bed, of course after the little lady was already asleep, fell asleep myself drifing into my peaceful dreams… Which were suprisingly interupted a few hours later.

There in my bed was my little niece, curled up snug as a bug beside me.

I put her back into her bed.

I woke up again, and there she was, fast a sleep next to me.

Needless to say after a few times i gave up.

Then it happend the next night, the night after, and the night after that.  There were never any tears, no winging, she just kept sneaking back into my bed.  So i let it be, and for the next year we shared a bed, snuggled together through the winter time, keeping eachother safe.

I would  have to say that i wouldnt trade those memories for the world.  I will treasure that plus the memories of the games we used to play, the silly times we spent together, just ‘hanging out’ enjoying  each others company while ‘mum’ was busy studdying or cooking us wonderful meals…

I feel like it was a centuray ago, yet it was the foundation  of the relationship i am priveliged to have with my niece today… I am blessed to have such an amazing family, and i am blessed to be a part of their lives.

All i hope for now, is that i can return the blessing, and in ten years time, my niece can be writting a post about just how much my george and i have influenced, and touched her life.

A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults. Charles Kingsley

Day 152 – Shhh, its a secret

Eleven Weeks, five days. Day 84 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Have you ever wondered why people are so worried about asking you the things they want to ask you, yet they are not afraid to ask others in your life, creating more speculation?

It happened to me the other day, and yes i know what it is like on the reverse, you dont want to ask because you dont want to stick your foot in it, but sometimes i just wonder why people are so easy to ask everyone else around you, almost creating gossip, then rather come to your face and ask.

People seem to do it all the time, asking you leading questions, hoping you’ll spit the answer out, but you decide to be cheeky and not let the anwser slip trying to make the other person say it, or ask you…

In all honestly pregnancy has to be the hardest one too, because if you stuff it up, then your a fool.  But to me i think in that circumstance (i mean the pregnancy or just plain fat debate) you need to just keep it in and wait for a solid answer to be disclosed.

I was thinking about this, because to be honest i am feeling frumpy, i am not complaining, its just as the moment none of my clothes fit, and well, i cant tell people, so i just feel frumpy.  And it got me thinking because, well, what if this person who had been asking all my friends and family if i was pregnant, what if i wasnt pregnant but just gained weight?  What if then other people started assuming i was pregnant, and really i wasnt, now that would be a hard blow, because i am sure that someone would have eventually asked…

Now i know none of that makes any sence what so ever, BUT it does make me go back to my origional point, that well, really shouldnt sometimes you just keep your thoughts and assuptions to yourself?  Because i can tell you there have been a number of times when i assumed something and i wish i had just shut my mouth…

We dance round in a ring and suppose, While the secret sits in the middle and knows Robert Frost

Day 151 – 150 days ago…

Eleven Weeks, four days. Day 83 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To my dearest little miracle,

I wrote you a letter.  150 days ago i began by writing you a letter.  I honestly didnt think that you would ever read that letter, i thought that it would be a way to help me through my grief.  I thought that if i wrote you a letter, if i wrote down how i was feeling, then i might be able to get through my hardship with a little less tears.  I never thought that i would be sitting in my lounge room 150 days later, writing a letter to someone that is really alive.

In three sleeps, in just four days, i will meet you my miracle, your father and i will look on the screen and see your perfectly formed body, we will see you, in more than just ‘blob’ form.

My miracle, just the thought of you in there, fills me with such joy, with such anticipation for september, it is hard to express just how much you mean to me.  I write you this letter today, knowing that no more are you a fantasy, no more are you a figment of my imagination, no more are you a dream to aspire to, you are alive, and you are ours.

I pray each day that the lord blesses you with health and happiness, i pray each day for your saftey in there, and i pray that i can nurture you in the best way that i know how.   I want nothing more than to wake up next wednesday mroning, knowing that you are a happy healthy little baby, growing perfectly, just as a true miracle should.

I know that i have said that i am scared, and i know that i have said that i have fear, but today i choose to have faith and believe that the Lord who blessed me with a miracle, will too bless me with nothing but a beautiful child formed in his image.

I have grown to love you my tiny miracle, and i will continue to grow in loving you each and every second until the day i meet you, and even then, it will not stop.

Stay strong, and no matter what, always remember, that i am your mother, and you are my miracle.

Love from a mother that will be.

Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof. Kahlil Gibran

Day 150 – Food for thought on Friday

Eleven Weeks, three days. Day 82 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Something that ran through my mind this morning as i waited for the gym to open…

Why when you are hungry before you fall alseep, do you wake up without an appetite…  Yet when you head to bed as full as a goog, you wake up starving?

On another note, as i was waiting at the gym, i found myself worried once more… I shouldnt be, everything will be fine, but there just seems to be that inkling of fear that i cant get rid of.  There is but 4 sleeps until my twelve week scan, and yes i am truly blessed, but i cant help but to be scared, this is everything to my husband and i, we are in deeper than we have ever been before….  And i want nothing more than for this to just be perfect…

And all i hope is that my weekend will pass quickly and that more dreams will become reality  next week.

FEAR is an acronym in the English language for “False Evidence Appearing Real Neale Donald Walsch