Twelve weeks, four days. Day 90 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Day 66 i was so lost and confused, i was hurting and confusion surrounded me, i didnt know what to do and i was scared that i was doing the wrong thing, i just didnt know if i was doing the right thing anymore. Did i want to do one final cycle, or was that it?
My heart desired a child so much, but everyone was telling me to stop, that what i was doing wasnt good for me anymore. I was torn between what i wanted, and what i was told was best for me, and all i could do was cry.
That same day i had an appointment with the doctor, and that is truly where this story of faith begins. After my visit with the doctor i realised that i could take my confusion away, i realised that i could put my hands in the air and say, it is not up to me anymore, i could had over the decision. No i didnt ask the doctor what to do, i simply put the decision in Gods hands.
For those of you who have trouble finding faith, or believing in miracles, hear me out. You see to being the last cycle, i had to bleed, however due to the Christmas break the bleed had to begin within the week. The doctor had prescribed a high dose of of provera to kick start the cycle, however as i drove home i decided that i was not going to take it.
In all my doubt and in all my fears i stopped the car, closed my eyes and prayed harder than i have ever prayed before. I remember clear as day saying, if i am meant to continue this one last time than i will bleed on my own. I started the car and drove straight home.
I had no cramps, no pain, no symptoms - but that Friday afternoon, i bleed and the final cycle began.
I dont care that people told me it was a coincidence, for me it was enough to feel confident in my decision, for me it was enough to find my faith once again. And as i told my story the next day to a dear friend, i remember he said to me "Dont get your hopes up, but if this one works, then i will have to reevaluate"
Today as i remember my story and i remember my confusion, my prayer, and the conversations that followed, i say "so do you now believe?"
Yes i have been scared, and yes i have had doubts, and yes there have been times when the pain was so unbearable i questioned my faith and my beliefs, but today i have to sit here and scream out that there is hope.
I know in my years to come that there will be times where i once again question my faith, and i know there will be times once again when i wonder why, but i will never forget this story, and i will never forget my desperate prayer that was answered and took away my doubt.
A choice was given to me, i asked for help, i prayed for a miracle time and time again, and finally i put it in Gods hands and i received.
As hard as it was, as much as it hurt, as much as i wanted to do this on my own, as much as i wanted to fix this problem, as much as i prayed and begged and cried and hurt, as much as i did, i just had to hold onto my faith, and believe in miracles.
And now i say to you "Do you believe in miracles? Do you have faith? Because faith isn't faith until it is all you are holding onto."
For this child i prayed 1 Samuel 1:27
