2010 February

Day 149 – Frustration, argh! I had been doing so well…

February 18, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, two days. Day 81 in the quest to chase our little miracle

To be honest i have a weee lil bit of a temper… My sister and i call it the “Bowen trait” and we have always said that any man that can put up with a Bowen is a keeper, and well we have both found our keepers… And after last night i am not sure my keeper really knew what he was in for when he said “I do”!

It is a fact that sometimes my frustrations get the better of me and i will just get so angry and overwhelmed and something i am doing or a situation that i have put myself into that i just have to stomp or yell it out…

And last night i shocked myself, because for the first time in my pregnancy i got all worked up and frustrated, and i honestly couldnt help it! I tried not to get upset, i tried to be calm, but i couldnt, i just got so annoyed at the situation – and it really started worrying me.

This couldnt have been good for lil george, getting so worked up inside? I asked myself how do i stop? And last night i did something i dont usually do. I gave up. I shut my computer, got a bowl of ice-cream, and gave up… I went to bed without a solution. I have NEVER done that in my life! I always go to be with solutions, and i always finish what i am doing, and i never emotional eat… But i did.

I think last night this was a wise decision, but i dont want to be the person who gives up… I want to conquer and succeed! I want to find a solution to my challenges.

So my question this morning is not how to avoid the frustration, because we all know that is impossible, it is how on earth do i stop myself getting so worked up and find a solution that is not giving in? How do i control the uncontrollable? How do i realise i am in the middle of a situation that can only be solved when i am calm?

I need to be the one that succeeds, but now i need to be the one that doesnt get so frustrated and angry first…

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing. Eric Hoffer

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, Baby, Beliefs, emotions, Frustrated, hormones, questions

Day 148 – Wordless Wednesday – My i am in a funny mood!

February 17, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks, one day. Day 80 in the quest to chase our little miracle

Just because i am in a silly mood

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. Dr. Seuss

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Wordless Wednesday

Day 147 – Dear Dr Google,

February 16, 2010 0 Comments

Eleven Weeks. Day 79 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I have to admit, i thought that once i was pregnant i would have gotten over the whole googeling thing… Or perhaps i knew i was going to Google, but i assumed it would be all bells and whistles, roses and blue skies…

But alas, i was once again wrong, so i am placing a formal compliant to the allusive Dr Google.

Dear Dr Google,

I would just like to begin this letter on a positive note by letting you know that your brothers Google, Google images, and Google Maps who are not doctors, often give me great assistance when needed, they are helpful and rarely negative, and always answer with only one key word.

However Dr Google, you on the other hand seem to like to inform me of nothing but negatives. I asked you my success rates of IVF, and you spat out numerous articles all averaging less that my clinic percentage, didnt you understand i was looking for a 99% probability?

I asked you the symptoms of implantation, and BOY did you get that one wrong! If i had had a better answer, maybe i would have had more hope earlier on…

I also asked you about the side effects of the drugs i was taking, did you tell me it would be ok, and everything i was experiencing was normal? No No Dr Google, you told me that the side effects would only get worse, and you continually spat literature at me – that’s not what i was looking for!

And most recently, Dr Google, I ask you about fetal development, and what do you tell me? You told me miscarriage rates and you told me about birth defects , that is right, as positively as you try to spin it, and no matter how hard you try to hide it from me, i still read it!

So Dr Google, this is a request not only from myself, but from my fellow TTC’ers and my fellow 1st trimester’ers… GET RID OF ANY NEGATIVITY!

We want nothing but positive data from now on, now i am not saying that you should lie, i am just saying that you should admit all the ‘bad press’. All that info that we ‘really didnt need to know’.

So if you could do me a favour and in future simply just leave out all the negative answers and just really give me what i am looking for, that would be greatly apprecaited.

If you have any questions please do not hesitate to comment below.

Regards,

Chasing A Miracle.

PS – Why am i still not at the top of your search? Nobody really cares about the sixty minutes story in 2007…

People deal too much with the negative, with what is wrong. Why not try and see positive things, to just touch those things and make them bloom? Thich Nhat Hanh

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: friends, Google, hope, inspiration, IVF, journey, questions

Day 146 – 17 hours to debate this? Parliament – what a sham!

February 15, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, six days. Day 78 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I love where i live, “beautiful one day, perfect the next” – that is Queensland, Australia for you. I have always loved living here and i think the only move i will ever make will be to the sunshine coast (about an hour from where i live now)…

But earlier this week as i listened to the radio i had to agree with what they were saying… We are so far behind, and i dont know much about politics but as i listened to what our MP’s were saying i was disgusted!

It took our parliament a whole 17 hours to decide to make surrogacy legal in Queensland, that is right you heard it, before wednesday last week surrogacy was illegal in my state. And my disgust doesnt come solely from the fact that it was illegal, it came from the fact that it took 17 hours for these people to make a decision, and not only that, some of the “facts” or “reasons” behind keeping it illegal, well i say send them back to the middle ages, and stone them to death!

These are the people who are suppose to represent us, these are the people who are meant to stand for current times and current society, they are the people who are meant to accept what is acceptable, they are meant to represent our future, and here they are debating something that i believe should have been made legal as soon as the technology was avaliable…

But nooooooooooooooo…. These people, 40 out of the 88 votes, are so far up there own asses they were coming up with reasons (from what i have heard) such as “gay couples ordering children like pets” or “same sex couples not being able to take their child to a public bathroom” or my favorite so far “This is an assault on the deepest relationship between a mother and child.” (abc.net) or what about “People have no idea the cultural implications of the state decreeing that a man and another man – or just a man on his own – is identical in law to a mother and father from a child’s perspective”

WTF?

“The opposition is adamant that same-sex couples and single parents must be excluded from any reforms to surrogacy arrangements. Some church and family groups agree, saying the reforms, as they’re currently proposed, will threaten the traditional family model and normalise same-sex parenting.” (brisbanetimes.com)

WTF WTF WTF?!?!?!

What is my state coming to? What about just having a family that loves a child? What about giving same sex couple a CHANCE to fit into society, give them a chance to become the norm… As the radio station said, it is like saying that non Caucasian people dont have the right to children… And the truth is EVERYONE has the right to be a parent, i dont care who you are, what you have done, or who you may or may not become, you have the RIGHT to become a parent.

And you know what? How come f**cking crack whores and dealers, and murderers still have the right to becoming a parent? Why not make that illegal, i am 100% sure that a little girl would be better of with two daddies than a crack whore of a mother, and an abuser of a father?

Am i wrong, oh important people of this state, am i wrong? shall we just go and do a study and see which child is better off??!!!

Go back to to the middle ages… Cause i will be waiting there with my stones…

On the other side of things, thank you to those 48 votes who actually are with the times, and actually have half a brain…

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy. Earnest Benn

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: angry, answers, emotions, Frustrated, hope, IVF, journey, questions

Day 145 – Love is not a day, love is in a life time…

February 14, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, five days. Day 77 in the quest to chase our little miracle

BARHUMBUG!

That is what i am saying to valentines day.

Maybe it is because the love of my life is not a romantic, maybe it is because i have never ‘truely’ recieved a valentine, or maybe it is because i believe that love isnt about a commercialised day.

Love is about every minute of every day, of every year you are together.

I have learned over the past ten years that love is not about choclates or flowers, or about the ‘stuff’ you get for christmas an birthdays… Love is about the hugs at the end of a bad day, love is about telling someone that it will be okay, even when you know it wont, and love is about respecting the person you are with, and loveing them even though sometimes you really just want to hate them.

I have learned over the past year that the one you love can hurt you in ways you never thought possible to forgive, and i have leaned that forgiveness for the unforgivable is what love and marriage is truly about. Over the past year i have learned more about myself and my love for my husband, and vice versa, then i ever thought possible. And i know that no matter the challenges this world throws at us, we will get through it, no matter what we go through, no matter how hard our journey becomes, we will always have each other, each and every minute of every trying day.

Love is not a day, love is in a lifetime. Love is not in a gift or a card, love is in the words you speak, and in the things you do. True love is not a day, it is a lifetime.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Beliefs, emotions, inspiration, journey, love

Day 144 – Top Ten steps to falling pregnant…

February 13, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, four days. Day 76 in the quest to chase our little miracle

WEATHER FORECAST: – Today’s post outlook is mainly sunny with a touch of sarcasm. A word to the wise: before leaving your home, please remember to pull out your sarcastic hat, or alternatively a protective sarcasm umbrella would be advised…

I remember back in the day i was speaking to a woman about my infertility, she was pregnant for the second time, and each time had been very easy for them. At the end of the conversation i just let out a sigh and said “why does it have to be so hard” and she very hastily responded with “no its not, just stop the pill” she didnt even realize what she had said to me, and how hurtful it was, and i doubt she ever will, but in her defense, well it was easy… Step one – stop taking the pill, period, end of steps…

So in honor of all things that are never as they seem, i give you:

THE TOP TEN STEPS TO FALLING PREGNANT (what there are TEN whole steps?)

1. Stopped taking the pill

What your not pregnant?

2. Counted your cycle days

What your not pregnant?

3. Kept counting your cycle days, then timed baby dancing

What your still not pregnant?

4. Kept counting your cycle days, timed baby dancing, AND began using ovulation prediction kits

What how could you not be pregnant yet?

5. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, PLUS now you are temping as well?

What is wrong with you, you must be doing SOMETHING wrong!

6. Kept counting your cycle days, timing baby dancing, using ovulation prediction kits, you are temping, and you have seen your GP

Your still not pregnant? Have you concidered taking a holiday?

7. Stop counting, meet with fertility specalist, start taking the pill again

What kind of specialist is this telling you to go back on the pill? I know for a FACT that is not how you fall pregnant!

8. Start counting cycle days, start sniffing, start injecting, get eggs removed, get eggs and sperm put together, get embryo put back in you, wait…

Really, what is this specialist doing? how could you not be pregnant? They did put the thing back in you didnt they? Why arnt your pregnant then? It cant be that hard… really!

9. Repeat step 8

Now this is just silly, i think you should see another doctor, have you tried just relaxing? Maybe you should take another holiday?

10. Repeat step 8, give up all hope. get a puppy instead….

See i told you so! All you had to do was relax…

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget. Thomas S. Szasz

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, Top Ten Tagged With: emotions, Frustrated, hope, IVF, Needles

Day 143 – Is my nose turned the wrong way?

February 12, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, three days. Day 75 in the quest to chase our little miracle

I am in the middle of it…

Yes that is right, i am right smack bang in the middle of the stage when all the symptoms you once wished for come raining down… Honestly it is making me feel like i am in the center of a washing machine on super spin.

I am blessed i truly am, and each time i feel like it is too much, i thank the Lord for all the symptoms i am feeling…

But the one that has me puzzled, the one that really fascinates me, and the one that i can never seem to remember to keep my mouth shut about is smell…

Yes that is right, like all pregnant woman out there i have super smell, sometimes it is ok, but lately, argh – i can smell EVERYTHING!

So my husband comes home last night, and i couldnt even give him a hug cause he smelt so bad… so he showered… came in for the kill, and yes you guessed it, i turned away for fear of vomiting on my husband… (but dont worry i didnt, like most times i just did the “vomit a little in my mouth and swallow it” thing)

It gets worse..

My poor husband then decided to cook me dinner, fish and salad…

First the fish cooking sent me to another room, then he was cooking bacon for himself, and that sent me out of the house!

These smells are just so intense it is scary…

Yesterday at work a lady was sucking a strawberry throat lozenge, guess who smelt it from the other side of the room?

Guess who knows when bob on the next floor down is drinking his 4th latte for the morning?

And guess who knows that the man who said that he had given up cigarettes is lying?

Thats right.. super smell woman over here!

I can no longer stand the scented soap you wash your hands with, nor the smelly thing that used to be in my car, tuna is out of the question, my husbands socks – barf! And the funniest one of all – myself, yes that is right, at the end of the day i make myself want to vomit…. And my husband assures me that i dont smell – after all i am bathing twice a day…

I think it has to be one of the strangest symptoms, and it makes me wonder why the hormones have that effect?

The best smell in the world is that of the man you love.

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: marraige, NOSE, symptoms

Day 142 – Happiness at a cost

February 11, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, two days. Day 74 in the quest to chase our little miracle

When i was young i believed that happiness is what you make of it, i learned that when you accept thing as they are, when you decide that what you have is enough, that is when you can be happy….

Maybe that can be true, maybe if we learn to accept, then happiness is just around the corner. But if i told you to believe this than i would be a hypocrite. If i have leaned anything in the past year, it is that happiness must be perused, and that no matter the challenge, if happiness is what you want, then you must go and get it no matter the cost.

There were so many times when i was told to stop, when i was told that i had changed, that i wasnt who i used to be, that i needed a break, that i needed to find happiness, that this pain wasnt worth it. I was told out of love that i shouldnt put myself through the heart ache again and again and again, i was told this because all they saw was pain.

But i couldnt stop, i selfishly continued, i persevered, put myself through one of the hardest things anyone should have to put themselves through, and i did it because i knew in my heart i wasnt going to find happiness without knowing that i did all that i could.

And i did do all that i could, and i would do it again and again, if it meant knowing that i would have the happiness that i have found in myself lately.

I want you to know that happiness can be found, that it can be perused. and i want you to know that giving up, believing that happiness is accepting, is not really happiness.

For those of you who are struggling, for those of you who are hurting, i want you to know that it is worth every second of pain. I look back on my earlier days and even now, even though it was only 4 weeks ago, i have forgotten the pain…

I have forgotten those endless nights of crying, and i have forgotten the heart ache, and i have forgotten about all the times i was told to give up, and all the times i wanted to give up – not just on having a baby, but on my life as well. It seems so far in the past right now, all i have to remember it by is my own words.

I dont know who you are, but hold on. No matter how dark the tunnel, there is a light is still shining, and so long as that light is still there, there is hope.

By chance if you are watching someone else suffering, hurting like they have never hurt before, dont tell them to give up, dont add confusion to there turmoil. The people you love, they know where their happiness is, and they are trying to get there… The only thing you can do is hold their hand and tell them you will walk with them through their hardship, and be with them every step of the way. For they are the only ones who will know when enough is enough.

I may have given up a lot, i may have changed who i am, i may never be who i was…. But that is the cost of my happiness, and today if i give one thing, it is to let the world know that happiness must be pursued, no matter the cost.

People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost. H. Jackson Browne

Filed Under: The Final Cycle Tagged With: Beliefs, emotions, hope, journey

Day 141 – Wordless Wednesday with a twist

February 10, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks, one day. Day 73 in the quest to chase our little miracle

This will stay in my heart for an eternity…

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. Amy Bloom

Filed Under: The Final Cycle, To my miracle, Video's, Wordless Wednesday Tagged With: Baby, children, courage, God, hope, peace, pregnant

Day 140 – My childhood memories for sale…

February 9, 2010 0 Comments

Ten weeks. Day 72 in the quest to chase our little miracle

You know that feeling, when you go home to your parents house for the holidays, walk through your old room, look through old memories, open the window and remember all the mornings of your childhood that you opened that window and felt nothing but hope and happiness?

I do, and tonight i am in sadness because those times of walking through old memories are now for sale. The home i grew up in, the place i called mine for so many years of my youth, is now for sale.

It is not a surprise, i knew this was coming, but it doesnt change how hard it is to say good bye.

Home is where the heart is, and my heart is no longer in that space, but in a new space, and with new people, but i guess my old home is still part of me, and always will be.

It was in that home that santa came down the chimeny, where the easter bunny popped by, it was in that home that i meet one of my closest friends, it was in that home that i rolled down the grassy hill and played dress ups, danced and laughed untill i cried… It was in that home that i grew closer to my sister, and that was the home where i said my last goodbyes to my mother…

It was the home where i discovered who i was, and where i learnt how to become who i am today.

That home has a special place in my heart, and i know nothing can ever take the memories away from me, but i still sit here tonight remenissing about that home and all that it gave to me…

My parents build that house, and turned it into a home for me, and my only wish right now is that one day i hope that my child will see the home that my husband and i will build in the same way.