Seventeen Weeks, One Day. Day 121 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I am not normally the one to post pictures, but as i looked at the calendar and as i looked down at my belly, i realised just how far i have come…. It is wordless to me… I have a 13cm little one in my belly!
Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. William Shakespeare
Seventeen Weeks. Day 120 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I made a comment to my colleges today as i ate my lunch, and as my eyes filled with tears, and as i got strange looks, i realised that the pain i went through just a short while ago is still so real in my mind.
This morning as i read my updates on twitter, i saw that my good friend Holly was hurting just as i have hurt before. I was reminded of the pain of IVF and just how it never stops, reminded that no matter what happens, no matter how good the news, it still hurts, and there are still so many uncertintys and so much doubt, it never stops hurting.
I honestly wanted to break down, i thought my limbo land was a one off thing, and i thought that i wouldnt have to see it happen to anyone, let alone someone who is my friend, let alone someone i care about, let alone someone who deserves more.
I have said this so many times before, and i said it today in that lunch room, you wouldnt wish IVF or IF on your worst enemy, you woulnt, you couldnt. No one deserves this much pain, no one, it takes your soul away, it takes whatever you had inside of you and reduces it to pain and suffering. Even now, with all the hope in the world, i am crying. I am crying for the pain i see in a friend, and i am crying for the pain i went through to get here, i wish i could take it away, i wish i could take my pain away, and i wish i could take the pain in my dear friend away.
Even now, even with seventeen weeks behind me, with everything in front of me, i still dont understand, i cant understand, why? Yes i learned so much about myself, yes i grew in faith, and yes i am a stronger woman for enduring what i did, but why? Just why?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for the blessings i have received and the little miracles you have shown me over the past year, i pray for continued strength in myself and in my george, and i pray today for courage not only in myself, but for someone who is suffering just as i have suffered before.
Lord, please be with Holly over the next few weeks, please give her the strength she needs, and let her feel your presence with her as she struggles through her fears. I pray that the life inside of my dear friend continues to grow and gain strength each and every day, i pray that her suffering ends and i pray that happiness follows, and that the life inside her shows others that miracles happen and that you are real, and faith is worth holding onto.
Once again i pray for courage, hope, and faith for all the women i know out there who need it most.
I Jesus name i pray,
AMEN.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)
Sixteen Weeks, six days. Day 119 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Yesterday after i got over all the excitement of all the things we bought on Saturday, i began freaking out a little, not because this is real, not because of anything to serious, but because i realised for a breif moment, I HAVE NO IDEA!
Yup, i mean, decorating a room is defiantly my thing, i have a diploma in interior design and colour, so i know what i am doing there, but what about the other things?
You know, the little things… A bath? Bottles, one of those bouncy seats, play mats… Well i mean what do you need, and what is just not nesassary? We were goig to ask the sales lady, but then hesitated because we worried that we would just be sold a bunch of stuff that we didnt need. Yes i have friends and family who have told me so much information (all different of course) i am just not sure what is the stuff to get, and what is just a waste…
Oh and speaking of little things, do they teach you in the prenatal classed how to look after a baby? I mean we went to puppy school to learn how to look after the puppy, so what about the baby? They need their ears cleaned too, and their nails clipped…
I know i have lots of people to support me, and so much time yet to find out about all this stuff, but i am scared – just a tinny bit – that i will be told so much different information – i am already being told so much information – i wont know what to do with it all!
When you think about it, i mean really think about it all, it is quite daunting, exciting, but really daunting at the same time – EKKK in 5 months ill be a mom! I think i need help!
To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it – who can say this is not greatness? William Makepeace Thackeray
Sixteen Weeks, five days. Day 118 in the quest to chase our little miracle
To my dearest little miracle,
Nothing compares to the excitement of you, nothing.
Yesterday your father and i shared something special… We jumped into the deep end, and for the first time walked into a baby shop… No matter how long we have been dreaming of you and no matter how long i have been thinking about decorating your room, nothing compared to actually walking into that shop and knowing that we were doing this for real.
It wasnt a dream anymore, it isnt a dream anymore, i got to go wild! And the best part was your father encouraged me, there was no “really’s?” and no “do you think that is nessasary’s?” just both of us enjoying the moment, getting excited for the day you will be in that room crying for us to come…
I pray for you everyday my little one, my heart has never felt so full, and it has never felt more real, i cant wait for the next steps, i cant wait to see you again and i am here today just hoping for the future to come, knowing that God has graced us with a true miracle, and that i couldnt ask for anything more in my lifetime then for you to be a happy and healthy perfect little baby.
Yesterday was filled with so much excitement and love, and i cant wait for that feeling to continue to grow over the next six months, and then for a lifetime more.
Love always from a mother that will be.
Sixteen Weeks, four days. Day 117 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I believe i have mentioned before that i think naming a baby is a huge responsibility… I mean if you think about it, you are giving someone something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives…
And as we drove down to the furniture shop my husband and i had a little discussion…
It has to be cute enough to suit a little baby, normal enough to get your child through primary and then high school without being teased, or without the name becoming anything other than what it is, then the name has to be smart enough, or should i say reflect intellegance enough to get your child through college and into carrer….
I am just going to say it, there is a lot ridding on a name. And it may seem that i am being very, hmmm trying to think of the right word, very vain. It may seem like i believe choosing the right name will change my miracles personality, or belief in him/herself, but if you think about it, it is in some situations true.
If i child is teased at school because of their name, will that not effect their personality? If a name is too ‘cute’ or ‘weird’ will that not effect the way they are looked upon by peers? I know that when a child becomes an adult these influences disappear, but by that stage, maybe my child wont like their name anymore, maybe all the teasing and carring on over a name would have made them hate it, or wish for another…To me, that is an influence on a lifetime… but, maybe i am wrong.
On the other hand, there maybe a name you like, however you know of someone that you dislike with that name, you therefore wont use that name. I find that aspect funny as well, if you know someone, and dont like the person, you instantly dont like the name, why is that? For fear that the name will change the personality? Maybe? Maybe not.
So what is in a name, and will it affect a personality, and if you have named a child, how did you go about it? It is like an endless circle, a decision that has to be made, a choice that you cant take back, something that influences three people…
Integrity: A name is the blueprint of the thing we call character. You ask, What’s in a name? I answer, Just about everything you do. Morris Mandel
Sixteen Weeks, three days. Day 117 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Exhaustion overcomes me, and my emotions overwhelm me, i cant think, i dont think, i am just reacting….
I have made so many mistakes this week, hurt people i dont want to hurt, and why? becuase i am not in control, because no matter how hard i try my reactions are just over emotional.
I wish i could explain to people just how not in control i am, no matter what i do i am overreacting, and no matter how much i know i am doing it i cant stop it.
It is different to the kind if emotional i have felt before, it is the kind of emotional that makes me just want to curl up and sleep, curl up and dream of my future to come, curl up and pray that my miracle is ok, that my miracle will survive the distance.
This week i have been hurt, i have been angry, i have been scared, and of course i have been happy, but i have let these emotions out when i should have kept them in, i have let them out and hurt people because i should have left them in.
How can i stop this, how can i let my emotions go, just accept and move on, just live with the way things are, and the way things should be, accept change, accept my future no matter what it brings?
Exhaustion, i can barley keep my eyes open, and maybe that is where the emotions stem from?
I hope tomorrow brings a calmer day, i pray tomorrow brings security and peace within.
I hope tomorrow brings forgivness for the hurt i accidentaly caused.
I hope tomorrow i can be the person i know i am, emotions kept in check.
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. Albert Einstein
Sixteen Weeks, two days. Day 116 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I have been inspired by Simply Mel’s post from tuesday… The top ten things i hate to do… Just because well, we all hate doing stuff!
Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated. Coretta Scott King
Sixteen Weeks, one day. Day 115 in the quest to chase our little miracle
It is easy for me to say that there are three women who i have to thank for the person i am today…
My Omie, my mom, and my sister….
And without them in my life i would not be half the person i have become.
Never forget who made you who you are today.
My mother passed away from Breast Cancer 16 Years ago, please find it in your heart to help raise money for breast cancer, by donating to us HERE
We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere. Anon
Sixteen Weeks. Day 114 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.
The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree… Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.
High Risk.
I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the ‘standard’ – but then again, who is? It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.
I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy’s, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react. I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.
Two words is all it takes.
And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails…
A Heartbeat.
That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize… That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.
In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang
Fifteen Weeks, six days. Day 113 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I began my journey with the top ten things they should warn you about IVF, now as i continue down my journey i give you the top ten things they should warn you before getting pregnant (and no i am not complaining or wishing i was anywhere but here, but they are funny, and i thought we could all do with a bit of humor 
at my own expense)
And i think i will add in a number 11, the most impoirtant thing they dont tell you before you fall pregnant
YOU DONT CARE! you dont care that you have to repeat your history a thousand times over, you dont care that you have to pee 24/7 but cant poop to save your life, you dont care that your toes dont touch the floor at the end of the day, and that you no longer have ankles, you dont care that you are slowly getting rounder than a beach ball, you dont care that you have to layer on the make up or that you are yelling one minute and crying the next – nope you just dont care!
Well i dont, i dont care one little iota, cause in 6 months time, there will be a miracle, and i know i just dont speak for myself when i say, that there are thousands of women out there who would happily give up more than their looks and dignity if it meant holding a child in their arms.
Instead of complaining that the rosebush is full of thorns, be happy that the thorn bush has roses
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