Thirteen weeks, five days. Day 98 in the quest to chase our little miracle
I will not lie, sometimes i forget how far i have come, sometimes i forget how blessed i am, sometimes i forget that all is ok now.... My life takes over and i forget.
But then there are days where i am reminded of who i am and where i have come from, i am reminded that last year was painful, i am reminded that people i know are still hurting just as i hurt, and that in turn reminds me of what i went through to get here. These things i am reminded of just makes me want to scream out loud, and release all the pain that i am still holding deep inside me.
I know that i am blessed, i know that i have everything that i ever wanted, but for some reason i am still holding onto the pain i went through.
And i know i am doing this, because i have done the same thing with the pain of my mothers passing for the past 16 years.
My question is, where comes the point where we release our grief? Is there a point? Am i holding onto something that should now be a distant memory?
Most of the time, i believe that not forgetting the pain, makes us stronger. Reminds us that we survived and that we can handle what is thrown at us, but maybe i am wrong, maybe holding on makes me weaker.
When i am sad, when i have lost hope, i draw on places of sadness, play a song that reminds me, and i let myself fall apart. Is this unhealthy? Should i not let myself be reminded of the pain? Is breaking down, remembering my grief, both in my mothers death, and in the struggles i faced to fall pregnant, make me the fool, or does it make me wiser by reminding me of who i am?
Does my pain make me who i am? Or does it take away from who i am?
We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. Kenji Miyazawa
