Fifteen Weeks, five days. Day 112 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Well, who am i?
I have been writing now for 180 days, i write about my emotions, about how i am feeling, about funny things that have happened to me, i have written a little of my past, and a little about my future... There are some of you out there who have been with me the entire way, and for that i thank you, others joined me during my journey, and i know there are some of you who just pop by once in a while.
Yesterday when i was writing about my challenge to blog for 365 days straight, i realised that some of you may not know me, nor my past as well as i assume, so today i thought i would give you the Chasing a Miracle low down... The story so far, the background to my miracle, the reason you visit and read every day, the truth behind me, the real me, the me that maybe only those who read this blog know.
But if you want to know more, if you have ever had any questions you have wanted to ask me, to know about me, anything, just ask, and i will answer.
WHO AM I?
- I am 27 years old, i have brown hair, blue eyes, and a lot a freckles that i hate.
- I have been married for 2.5 years, but my husband and i have been a couple for 10
- My mother died when i was 11 years old
- I have a step son
- I have mild SLE (Lupus)
- I have a little dachshund puppy, who is currently licking mt toes, and it tickles!
- At the beginning of last year, 2009 i found out that i had PCOS (polycystic ovaries) the reason to why my husband and i were having trouble falling pregnant.
- In march last year i was sent to a specialist, a fertility specialist
- I was poked and prodded, the vampires stole vile upon vile upon vile of blood from me to be tested, and it was advised that i begin on clomid, and try IUI's
- April, may, june, and july my husband and i went through 4 IUI's
- April, may, june, and july i cried uncontrollably on the bathroom floor when i found out i wasnt pregnant
- August i began my first IVF cycle
- September 4th 2009 I got my beta tests back, positive, the nurse congratulated me and said i was pregnant!
- September 7th, second beta test, the nurse called to deliver the terrible news, the embryo didnt implant correctly, the doctor said i had an early miscarriage. Devastation is the only word.
- September 23rd 2009, my first post, my first day of 100 days of IVF, I asked "Where are you God?"
Today is Day One of the 100 Day count down, i don't know what is going to happen, i don't know where this blog will take us, all i know is that i am going to be honest because "Honesty is what the heart desires and the strongest of love, hope & faith comes only from honesty.
- September 25th 2009, my 2nd IVF cycle began.... And so the story continues
- October 21st 2009, my 2nd IVF cycle failed
Today i woke up and said that today was going to be a good day, that today was going to be my day. Today was not my day, today was not a good day. Today i failed... Yes that is right END of IVF cycle.
Today after 26 days - 10 days of needles 3 days of intense pain, 5 days of anticipation, 8 days of emotional torment, and four thousand dollars - bled out of me.
It is over and i am numb.
- October 23rd 2009, i begin a FET cycle, by this stage i have family and friends telling me to stop, telling me its all to much, telling me to take a break, but i couldnt, i just couldnt, i wanted this more than anything else, i was desparate
- November 25th 2009, fail again....
I thought i was stronger than this.
I dont know if i can go on.
I just dont know what to do...
- November 27th 2009, Confusion was my curse
I am so confused right now i am not sure what to do, your father and i think we may have decided that this is the last time we will chase you. Our minds are exhausted from all this turmoil and anguish, we are not even sure that doing this one last time is the right thing to do, but i dont think i am ready yet to give in yet, to say good bye to you.
- November 28th 2009, 112 days ago, the "final cycle" began
- December 26th, 27th & 28th 2009, i believed my final cycle was over
I want to cry, i want the pain to come out of me though a scream, through a heartfelt soul bearing scream into oblivion, scream to the heavens, a scream so painful that God hears it, a scream so loud that God feels my hurt, so that the earth moves, and the trees shake and everyone know and feels the pain i feel, so that the world knows its over for me, so that i know it is over for me.
- Day 99, December 30th 2009, i was wrong, so very very wrong. December 30th 2009 my limbo land began, and i didnt know what to believe anymore
- January 8th 2010, my hope was restored just a little...
I know its sad to say that i needed my faith to be restored, but sometimes, you need to see something that makes you believe, to have hope once more, something that makes you smile uncontrollably - even if its just for one second... Sometimes you just need to see love to know inside of you that sometimes things can really work out.
- And the most significant day so far, the day that i will never, ever, ever forget so long as i live, January 15th, 2009 - I witness a miracle, and i was no longer the mother that may never be, but the mother that will be.
- And i will be, on September 8th 2010, i will be a mother. No matter how scared i get, no matter how much i go through, i will be a mother, and i will never forget.
Now that i read my story i am not sure if this is who i am or more what i have been through to become the person i am today... But maybe that is what life is, knowing where you have been and what you have experienced to realise who you are.
Ask away, your turn now, what do you want to know about who i am?
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
