Sixteen Weeks. Day 114 in the quest to chase our little miracle
Two words that can change the way you feel, two words is all it takes to bring you from cloud nine to reality, yet it is also two words that will take you right back to where you started on cloud nine.
The first two words of my appointment yesterday, they were the two words that can take just that little bit of hope away, like plucking the stem of the apple, or a leaf from a bushy tree… Just enough for concern to grow, just enough for your smile to vanish for just one second.
High Risk.
I knew all along that this is the case, i knew when i started what i was getting myself into and i knew before that appointment that this wasnt going to be easy, and i knew that this wasnt just going to be the ‘standard’ – but then again, who is? It was just to hear the words, to to hear it out loud, for it to be confirmed that just makes it real, makes the knowing just that little bit more scary.
I know it is normal to have some fear, and i know that i am no different to anyone else, than people in my situation, and i never, ever ever forget how blessed i am to even be this far, but with SLE or with auto immune disorders, or just with high risk pregnancy’s, it is scary, your body does different things, and the doctors are never sure just how you will react. I know that people have babies all the time. with worse illnesses than me, but i think it is the unknown, the un-understood, and the un-felt of the little child inside of you that makes it hard.
Two words is all it takes.
And the two words that i treasure, the two words that remind me that this is real, the two words that give me hope, faith, and something to hold on to when all else fails…
A Heartbeat.
That rippled, wheerly sound, that you instantly recognize… That is what i hold onto, that is what gets me to sleep at night, and that it what gives me hope and makes me believe in tomorrow.
In all things it is better to hope than to despair. Johann Wolfgang
