Twenty-One Weeks. Three Days. Day 152 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

There is no delicate way to tell a story like the story i have for you today… So i will dive right on in, its not a long story, its not a descriptive story… It is simple a story that leaves you saying “oh dear, oh deary deary me…”

I sneezed.

Yup, today among other exciting things i did, i sneezed…

But this was not an ordinary sneeze…

No, no today i sneezed, and with no warning what so ever, i… err-hum… Well, i ummm…. I ummm, pee’d a little..

There i said it…

Was only a little bit, but it was defiantly a little pee…

Is it going to get worse?  I laugh now, but i have heard stories… I have seen the adverts on tv… I have read the pamphlets…

And yes before you ask, i am doing my pelvic floor exercises…

But seriously, i thought this only happened AFTER you had the baby, or like in the ads on tv where all the ladies are like ancient…?!?  And OMG – if it happened today, is it going to happen WORSE when i have george?

OMG, what if i have to wear nana pads for the rest of my life?

What if i can NEVER sneeze again, oh no, i can see it now…. “Todays top story: Woman’s eye balls pop out from holding back a sneeze…. May 2010 a woman lost both her eye balls from a horrific incident where she refused to sneeze…  The woman stated that she was scared shitless of peeing herself, and would rather live blind, then in nana pads…”

OMG, i am doomed, i just know it… DOOMED

Oh dear, oh deary deary me!

Humor is tragedy plus time Mark Twain

Twenty-One Weeks. Two Days. Day 151 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

I have decided to write one last post for infertility awareness week… My aim is simply to put others in my shoes, to let the world know just how grateful i am for what i have, and to let the world know that some things in life cannot be taken for granted…

What if it was you?

Your Dreams turned into nightmares and your hopes smashed, your faith distroyed?

What if the pain you thought would go, stayed and didnt ease? And what if when the tears began they wouldnt stop?

What if it was you?  What if it was one of your friends?

One in eight…

It could be you

It could have been you…

So take my advice: Dont take for granted the preciousness that life offers…

Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. Oscar Wilde

Twenty-One Weeks. Day 149 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

I have never really been an extremely confident person, and i have never felt very secure in my appearance. Dont ask me why, i have thought about it in the past a lot and the truth is i dont know why this is.  People tell me their theory’s, they tell me what i should do, but it doesnt change anything… It never makes me more secure in myself.

I have never been ‘skinny’… When i was growing up i was teased about my weight and what i wore, even though i was never overweight… When i got engaged i decided that i wanted to loose weight, and i did, i lost 10kg, and i still think i looked awesome for my wedding day – on that day, i had the confidence i needed in myself, i felt secure in my appearance…

And believe it or not i managed to keep the weight off for two years, it wasnt easy, i worked very hard, but i did it, and finally i was proud of myself, i felt just that little more confident, just that little bit more secure in myself each morning when i left the house.

Since i fell pregnant for obvious reasons, i have not been exercising (as vigorously) nor dieting… And so, yes i have put on weight, i have a bump and a slightly (one size) larger rear end…

But it seems that even though i am pregnant, even though i have my one ‘get out of jail free card’ people STILL feel the need to point my flaws out… Still feel the need to tell me i am fat, and you know what – that is not fair!

The one time in my life i am allowed to eat foods i have denied myself for 3 years, i am being ridiculed for.  When i was on i diet i got told to ease up – its only a chocolate, now that i am pregnant i am being told, woa – you will have to work that extra fat off… (i am no fool, i know what i will have to do – i have done it before)

I got greeted by a friend over the weekend by ‘wow your fat’  i know that it was meant to be a ‘wow your pregnant’ comment, but i was told i was fat… And it made me feel like a piece of shite…

A couple of weeks ago i was told by a direct family member that i was ‘getting fat’, again same meaning intended but again in the end, whatever meaning was intended, i was told i was fat…

I have been told ‘my your getting fat’, i have been told ‘wow your bootie is getting big’, and i have been told that i am looking ‘voluptuous’

I dont get it…

What happened to the you look beautiful, or look at your wonderful belly, or just something positive…

I was always taught, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say it at all!

So people… DONT SAY IT!  I am a little fatter than i was 6 months ago, but you know what… I am happy about it, and i wouldnt change it for the world… But by people constantly telling me about it, it makes me feel like less of a person, like i am doing something wrong… Kicking me emotionally where i really dont need to be kicked… Taking away the confidence and security i took so long to find…

Deep down we have the qualities of clarity, awareness, sensitivity, warmth and love, but , we have little idea at the outset just how deep and vast those qualities can be... Anon

Twenty Weeks.  Six Days. Day 148 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Today begins the campaign around the world to make people more aware of infertility.  To turn what can be sometimes seen as a taboo topic into a “trending” topic, weather it be on twitter or around the dinner table.

When i was hurting, when i cried like i had lost a life, i didnt have many- people to talk to.  I couldnt share my lows, i couldnt get excited, i couldnt talk about the things that i wanted to talk about, because no one wanted to hear about that… Family, friends, they only wanted to talk about positive things, they didnt want to hear about injecting, or counting days, or sperm being washed and counted, nor how many eggs where in the dish… They didnt call to hear about my negative results, they didnt want to see my tears after the dreaded phone call from the nurse, they only wanted to know when things went well.

It hurt every day to see facebook updates of people falling pregnant, of parents whining about their children, about nasty comments left because i ‘dared’ to get too personal…

Not many people take the time to understand… And they should.  Even now that i am pregnant, i sometimes still feel like no one understands what i went through, why no one wants to hear my story of HOW i fell pregnant, sometimes even now when i bring up infertility and how some of my friends still suffer from it, and even now when i cry for other people because i understand their pain, i get questioned.  And it makes me wonder why?

Why are people so ashamed to talk about infertility?

I guess what i am trying to say is…

No matter who you are, no matter where you live, no matter what you believe, there will be someone you know that is suffering.  They may hide it, they may not share their pain, but do not let them feel ashamed of it…  Be open and understanding, be compassionate, simply offer a hug and an ear, and let them know that you want to understand.

Long ago, in the midst of my suffering i wrote these words…

There is a dark cloud of self pity and loathing hanging around my head and i need to escape it, i need to see the sunshine again, i need to wake from this nightmare once more.  I need to know that i am okay, that i will be okay, i need to know that i am not a failure, that i am not alone, i need to know that someones hand is going to reach down any second now and pull me from this deep hole i have dug myself into.

Be that someone who reaches down and pulls a friend out of a dark and scary hole…. Dont be that someone who hands their friend a spade to dig the hole even deeper.

The timeless in you is aware of life’s timelessness; and knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream. Kahlil Gibran

Twenty Weeks.  Five Days. Day 147 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Today is a day where we remember.

We remember the fallen and we take the time to appreciate the sacrifice that was made so long ago for us today.

I am not a history buff, i have never really been excited about our past, but as i get more and more excited about george, and as i start seeing myself as a parent, i start caring, i start wanting to know why, i start understanding why my own parents cared so much about teaching us about our history.

I have started understanding that our ancestors lives are important to us and the world we live in today.  I have started to realise why my own parents reminded me each time just why we were having a holiday, why in particular such holidays as Anzac Day are important, i have started to realise just how important it is to know about our past, and to pass that past onto our children.

If we dont pass our past on, if we neglect to tell our children why we are taking a day off, if they play outside having fun not understanding why the day is special, then when all is lost, when all is forgotten, when everyone who survived to tell the tale is gone, who will be there to remind us?  Who will be the one to teach our future generations? Who will instill the importance of remembrance, who will instill the importance of how yesterday effects today.  How will our children, my children, appreciate what the people of this country past have done for us, what the people of this country past have sacrificed for us, and just as importantly what the people of today are still doing for us, and sacrificing for us.

Today is a day when we remember, and one of the days i make sure my children remember.

“Anzac Day marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. The acronym ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps, whose soldiers were known as Anzacs. Anzac Day remains one of the most important national occasions of both Australia and New Zealand.  This is a rare instance of two sovereign countries not only sharing the same remembrance day, but making reference to both countries in its name.” (Reference)

There are stars who’s light only reaches the earth long after they have fallen appart. There are people who’s remembrance gives light in this world, long after they have passed away. This light shines in our darkest nights on the road we must follow. The Talmud