Seventeen Weeks, Six Days. Day 126 in the quest to meet our little miracle George
Sometimes it is hard to find the right words to write about how i am feeling.
Each day i sit down and i try to find something deep inside that i want to share, that i want one day for my george to read, to know, to understand. But some days are like today… Just simple, and i think i like the simpleness of today.
Today i dont feel alone anymore, today i dont feel scared, today i dont feel like the world is against me , and today i dont feel like i have nothing. Today i feel like i have everything, and i feel like everything will be ok.
But yesterday, yesterday was different for a brief second, yesterday i said something to my husband that scared even myself, that made me somewhat realise that these days, each new day is a good day, that when things are simple, life is good, a
We were talking about more children (lets not even discuss why right now) talking about the frozen embryo’s we have left, just a very breif conversation… No more than two sentences.
I said to him, i cant go back there, that i dont want to go back there.
Today is a good day, the past 3 months have been good, but to get here, i dont know if i would be strong enough to do that again, i dont know if i can make myself, let myself rather, go back to that dark place.
I am more myself today than i have been in two years, i am more the person my husband married today, then i was last year, last year i wasnt me… I was someone who i am still not sure i want to meet again.
If there comes a time where i want more children, will i let myself go back there, knowing who i will become, knowing what it will do to me, knowing that i am risking it all, will i do that again?
I know it is a question only i can answer, and only i will know at the right time. But i sit here today, when everything is great, when i have the whole world infront of me, when i have everything to gain, where i believe that the sun will rise each and everyday to new hopes, and i wonder to myself, will i give that up again?
The trouble with simple living is that, though it can be joyful, rich, and creative, it isn’t simple. Doris Janzen Longacre
