Twenty Weeks. Three Days. Day 145 in the quest to meet our little miracle George
I have come a long way.
I have just finished reading my good friend Kates blog, and it has made me remember so much.
I sat there in tears reading her post, knowing that each word while causing so much pain, was so true, and so heart felt. I had been there, i had felt that much pain, and i know how much it hurts, and just how strong you have to be to go on, to live your life, or pretend to live you life at the least…
her post brought back memories the day i got the results of my first IVF blood test, and it also brought back memories of the days, and weeks that followed….
For those of you who dont know my story, my first IVF round was August 2009. I got a positive HCG, then later my levels dropped and i was told that i miscarried… The way that it happened may not be as devastating as other women have had to go through, but for me, it was the most devastating moment of my life, something that will cause me pain until the day i die.
On that day September 7, 2009 i broke down like i had never before. I couldnt handle it, i sat in the front of my office waiting for my husband to collect me in a ball of tears. No one knew how to comfort me, no one knew what to say, because each time someone said something i just started crying more. I dont remember going home, i dont remember the words my husband said to me, all i remember was the pain.
The hurt in my heart, the feeling so deep down that no matter how many tears came out, no matter how many times i screamed, the pain wouldnt go away, it just sat there.
I remember someone said to me a few weeks later, they said i had cried like someone died, like i lost someone i had loved for so very long… I felt like that person looked down on me, like they thought i had no right to cry so much.
And to be honest at the time i had almost agreed with them, i had thought that i had been silly to feel the pain of this miscarriage, i felt like i had no right to hurt so much.
But i know now that i was wrong.
I did loose someone, i lost a child. I dont care if that child didnt have arms or legs, and i dont care if no one else feels the same. I lost a child, in my heart, i lost a child, i was given hope, i was told that i would be a mother, then it was all taken away from my like some sick joke… And i will be honest and tell you the pain i felt at the time was almost worse than the pain of loosing my mother.
Unless you have been here, unless you have been through the pain the infertility and all its shit brings, you will NEVER understand… It hurts, it hurts more than anyone realises, and even when you get through it, even when you see your light at the end of the tunnel, even when you are halfway through a very well progressing pregnancy, and i know even when i am holding my miracle baby i treasure so much… It will still hurt like hell.
But i also know, that the pain is made better by knowing that you are not alone, that there are people in this world who care, that there are people who are willing to tell you their hardest story, to share their pain with you and to help you get through the times that you never thought you could go on.
Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. Anon
