Twenty-One Weeks. Day 149 in the quest to meet our little miracle George
I have never really been an extremely confident person, and i have never felt very secure in my appearance. Dont ask me why, i have thought about it in the past a lot and the truth is i dont know why this is. People tell me their theory’s, they tell me what i should do, but it doesnt change anything… It never makes me more secure in myself.
I have never been ‘skinny’… When i was growing up i was teased about my weight and what i wore, even though i was never overweight… When i got engaged i decided that i wanted to loose weight, and i did, i lost 10kg, and i still think i looked awesome for my wedding day – on that day, i had the confidence i needed in myself, i felt secure in my appearance…
And believe it or not i managed to keep the weight off for two years, it wasnt easy, i worked very hard, but i did it, and finally i was proud of myself, i felt just that little more confident, just that little bit more secure in myself each morning when i left the house.
Since i fell pregnant for obvious reasons, i have not been exercising (as vigorously) nor dieting… And so, yes i have put on weight, i have a bump and a slightly (one size) larger rear end…
But it seems that even though i am pregnant, even though i have my one ‘get out of jail free card’ people STILL feel the need to point my flaws out… Still feel the need to tell me i am fat, and you know what – that is not fair!
The one time in my life i am allowed to eat foods i have denied myself for 3 years, i am being ridiculed for. When i was on i diet i got told to ease up – its only a chocolate, now that i am pregnant i am being told, woa – you will have to work that extra fat off… (i am no fool, i know what i will have to do – i have done it before)
I got greeted by a friend over the weekend by ‘wow your fat’ i know that it was meant to be a ‘wow your pregnant’ comment, but i was told i was fat… And it made me feel like a piece of shite…
A couple of weeks ago i was told by a direct family member that i was ‘getting fat’, again same meaning intended but again in the end, whatever meaning was intended, i was told i was fat…
I have been told ‘my your getting fat’, i have been told ‘wow your bootie is getting big’, and i have been told that i am looking ‘voluptuous’
I dont get it…
What happened to the you look beautiful, or look at your wonderful belly, or just something positive…
I was always taught, if you have nothing nice to say, dont say it at all!
So people… DONT SAY IT! I am a little fatter than i was 6 months ago, but you know what… I am happy about it, and i wouldnt change it for the world… But by people constantly telling me about it, it makes me feel like less of a person, like i am doing something wrong… Kicking me emotionally where i really dont need to be kicked… Taking away the confidence and security i took so long to find…
Deep down we have the qualities of clarity, awareness, sensitivity, warmth and love, but , we have little idea at the outset just how deep and vast those qualities can be... Anon
