Twenty Weeks. Day 141 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Have you ever wondered why sometimes we just take the littlest things for granted, why sometimes it is the smallest of things that make us who we are, or make us feel like we are who we are?

And on the other end of the scale there are things that dishearten us, people dishearten us with their words and with their attitudes and it seems that it makes us feel like a lesser person, that that makes us think that this is who we are.

I make it no secret that i have been feeling like this lately, that situations in my work life and in my personal life have been making me feel like a lesser person, i have been disheartened and at times have felt like giving in.

I have been asking myself why over and over again, telling myself it is not worth the worry, telling myself that there is no need to stress over these things… But i still end up frustrated and disheartened.

I partly reaslised over the weekend, that sometimes all we really need to get us through is encouragement, no matter what you are going through, no matter how petty it seems, or no matter how serious it is, you just need encouragement.  I know last year through infertility, and just through life,  sometimes i just needed encouragement, i know that this year i still need encouragement….  It is the things like…

A positive with a negative, rather than constant negatives.

An it will be alright, not a we will see.

A suggestion to improve, rather than a comment of disapproval.

Excitement even in ignorance.

A distraction from the reality.

And most importantly,

A hug rather than a shrug.

So many times all i have wanted is a hug, just as simple as that… It would have fixed many a domestic battles in my times, so many tears would not have been lost, just so simple.

It really is the simple things that get us through.  As selfish as this  sounds, i think if we all made an effort to encourage one another, we wouldnt end up in such hard mind spaces, losing ourselves, taking the things we have for granted…

Sometimes it’s better to put love into hugs than to put it into words. Author Unknown

Nineteen Weeks, Five Days. Day 139 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Broken families, if that is even what you call them, are one of those things.

One of those things you cant control, one of those things that make life just a little more difficult, one of those things that you wish you didnt have to consider, but you do – because it is one of those things in your life…

I am many parts of a broken family, of two broken families, and i think one infulences the way i am in the other…

As i drove home yesterday i realised a few things about myself, and my family, and the strength of a ‘title’ especially in a broken family.

I dont have a mother, she passed away, and nothing will ever change that fact.  No one can ever replace her, and i know in my heart that no one ever will try to replace her.

I also have a step mother, who i call by her name.  I love her with a very large part of my heart, but truth be told i can never love her as much as i love my own mother, no matter the circumstances, no matter what she has done for me, no matter how much i try to love her as much, i cant.  She is not my mother.  And i stand by my emotions, and i know that she understands that, just as i understand that i will never be loved by her as much as her own daughters…

But this is how it works, that is the facts of a broken family.

And that in turn influences the way i am as a step mother.  My step son calls me by name, i would expect nothing more or nothing less, because i know my feelings towards my own step mother.  Because i understand my own feelings,  under no circumstances would i believe that my step son will ever love me as he loves his mother, and each weekend i see him i remind myself that i am not here to replace, or even try to live up to mother status in his eyes, i am his friend and the woman that loves his father.  And i hope someday, i will be someone that he may be able to respect, but that comes with time and patience.

But you see the probelm that rises, the problem that i face, the thoughts i have been pondering on… Are the titles and names we give these people from broken families.

In september my child will be born, and i know that my step son is very excited to have a brother or sister on the way, and my step mother very excited to have a new baby in the family, but as my child grows and as my child learns about our family structure, i wonder if my step son calling me by name will become confusing?  And in turn that makes me wonder about my step mother and her title.

Just as my step son calls me by name, just as i call my step mom by name, i know in my heart i want my child to call my step mom by name as well – but is this unfair?  I feel that my mother is still my childs grandmother, and just as my sisters children understand that they will never meet their grandmother, i want my george to know that too.  I want my child to understand, and respect that my step mother, while a large part of my life, while loved enormously, is not my mother, and in turn not my georges biological grandmother.  Is that wrong?

On that note, my sisters children call my step mother by name, so i dont want any confusion there either, i like to keep it all the same… But again i ask, is this selfish, am i being mean?

I keep asking myself, how will i feel when my step son has children? When i am not the ‘grandmother’ but when i think about it, i keep going back to the thought that, i am not his mother, i will never love him like i love george, and he will never love me as he loves his mother…  So how could i expect to be called anything but my name to him or his family?

I know these are things that will be overcome, and i know that many families have similar situations, but i guess this is the thing, i dont know any other broken families, so i dont really understand the effects on a small child.  I guess love is love, and titles are titles, and in the end it doesnt really matter what anyone is called, it just matters about the way we are treated and the way we hold love in our hearts.  But even after saying that, i really do keep pondering on what is right, and what is wrong.

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Dr. Seuss

Nineteen Weeks, Four Days. Day 138 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Sometimes life has a way of reminding you of what is important.

Latley i have been so wrapped up in politics as work, in worrying about the house being clean, about wondering what is going to happen to my job while i am on leave, worrying about weather i will have a job when i come back from leave, getting mad at my husband, getting worried about the sex of my baby, about trying to do everything so right in my life, I have forgotton what is important, i really have.

This morning as i came back from my walk, as i opened my computer, i hoped many miles away a friend was getting good news…

She wasnt.

And now as i sit here in tears, real tears, real heart breaking tears, i realise that this week, that everything that has happened to me, everything that i have been worrying about, is stupid.

I realised that life and God has a way of reminding you of what is important, of pulling you back to reality and letting you know what is really important in this lifetime.

Friends and family are important, the people you know you can rely on, they are the people that matter… The people that you dont have to spend your weekdays trying to impress, the people that drop everything to find you to get excited with you when you come back from the doctor, the people that cry with you and for you when things get too tough, the people that tell you everything is going to be ok in the end – they are what matters at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Today i feel i have learned more than i have in a long time, i feel like i have been pulled from my lala land, and back to reality, to what really matters… And i am so very grateful of that.

To all those out there who support me and get excited for me and cry for me, thank you, with every ounce of being that is inside of me – thank you, you will never really truly understands what it means to have such support in my world.

I wrote this is 1999 “Sometimes the world we live in is so far from reality we are unable to accept life as it really is…”

I wrote this 2 years later in 2001 “..and sometimes it is the people we love who make us realise how important it is to return to reality and believe not only in the beauty and inspirations friendships can offer, but to believe in a reality where we can discover who we really are…“

Nineteen Weeks, Three Days. Day 137 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Today i realised something…

As i walked down the corridor of the hospital and saw the ‘counseling rooms’ i realised it doesnt matter…

It doesnt matter if it is a girl or boy, it doesnt matter what i want, as long as my baby is there, happy and healthy and alive.  Because i dont want to be the one in the counseling room…

Once again there are no words to describe my feelings today. After a long working week, concern, anxiety, and just overwhelming feelings, i just dont know what to write.

My little George is ok…

Happy healthy and ‘active’, so active in fact the doctor was getting quite frustrated as we couldnt get a good shot!  I am relieved that everything is looking good, i keep looking at my little photos and getting excited at the prospect of meeting my little miracle in five months, and after today, i dont mind, it doesnt matter, boy or girl, so long as George is healthy, i will be happy.

So George remains George, a surprise for us in five short months, something to look forward to, something to get excited about, someone that will bring us more joy than we ever anticipated.

And look how cute Georges feet are!

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Nineteen Weeks, Two Days. Day 136 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

OH what to do what to do, what to do?

I am torn.

Yes that is right, i am torn on whether or not to find out the sex of our baby at my scan tomorrow.  And yes i realise how silly this internal debate seems but there are reasons to my debate…

You see ever since i was young i have wanted a daughter.  And i realise how selfish i am sounding right now, i really do, i should feel blessed no matter what i have, and i will, i know i will, as long as i have a healthy baby i will be more blessed then i have ever been… BUT… No matter how hard i try, no matter what i say to myself  in my heart i still yearn for a daughter.

I so desperately want to be the mother i never had, i want to do all the things i missed out on doing.  I want to shop with a little daughter of mine that looks up to me for advise, i want to show her just how to put on mascara and blush so that she looks her best, i want to go ohh and ahh when she tries on her formal dress, i want to wait up anxiously as she goes on her first date… I want to be their for her when she is getting ready for her wedding… And most of all i want to show her the love that i missed out on, the love that no daughter should ever have miss out on, I want to be the mother i never had…

So, so much…

And i know that is selfish, i know it with all my heart, i know that i shouldnt feel like that, i know that i should be grateful i even have a baby in my belly, but no matter how hard i want to just accept the unchangeable, no matter what i do, my feelings stay the same.

I dont think i will be devastated if it is a boy, but i am scared that a brief moment of dispapointment might hit me, and i dont want that.. I dont want that at all…

So my dilemma is do i find out now, and deal with my issues, or do i wait?  I feel in my heart that if i wait, it wont matter, the joy of holding a happy baby in my arms will overcome me and it wont matter at all… But i am also scared because so many people have told me they think i a having a girl, getting my hopes up so high…

And on a side note, my husband is fairly keen to find out, i know he will go with whatever i want.. But, it is his child as well…

So what to do what to do?

Somewhere in the world there is an epigram for every dilemma Hendrik Willem Van Loon