Eighteen Weeks. Four Days. Day 131 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

What began as a journey to get me through to the end of 2009 has quickly become an epic adventure of heartache and hope.  What began as 100 Days of IVF has now doubled… Today is very significant to me because today is day 200, and i would never have imagined that i would be here so quickly, i never imagined i would still be writing each day, and even through all the hope i never expected the journey to really begin on day 100…

I know that each day over the next 100 will will bring me more challenges than i ever expected, more highs and more lows as well.  I want to share this with others who share my pain, and i want others to know they are not alone – as i know what it feels like to be in envy, and i know what it feels like to be so lost and confused that you don’t quite know who you are anymore.

When i worte the words above, when i first put my deepest thoughts on paper, i never realised that writing each and every day would or could bring me such joy, i never expected to learn so much, to care so much for others, and to have so many others care so much for me.  But here i am, 200 days later, and i have shared every second of my pain, and every heartfelt teardrop, and every glimmer of hope, i have shared it all, and because of that i have learned more about myself, grown so much within myself, and found a new sense of confidence i never expected to find.

200 days ago i was lost and confused, and so i began… Today i look back and i thank the Lord for my journey, for my new understanding and appreciation for life, for all that i have , for all that i will have, for all that i was, and for all that i am today.  Today i get to look back and realise that i had to be at that point, so lost, so confused, my world in so much turmoil, i had to go through that to get to where i am now, to become the person i am…

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not.  Remember that what you now have was once among the things you had only hoped for. Epicurus

Eighteen Weeks. Three Days. Day 130 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

I freaked out yesterday.

I was tired, i worked too hard on wednesday, i did too much, and yesterday morning i freaked out.

I felt sick, i had cramps, and i just didnt know what to do, or who to turn to, or what would ease my mind – if anything.  I never really felt like that before, so confused and scared, so tired i couldnt think straight…

So i walked out of the office across the road, and asked for an appointment at the doctors.

They gave me one. Just like that i got into see a doctor.  I explained, the doctor listened, there was nothing very specific about my ‘cramps’ and unwell feeling, so the doctor got out this old school fetal heart monitor, got out the good ol KY jelly, and counted the beats….

The old doc didnt say much, just that the heart was beating well, and everything seemed ok.

I think just hearing george’s heart was enough to ease my mind, enough to take any fears and doubts away, enough for me to know that my precious little miracle was alive and well…

Sometimes its hard, sometimes it all seems too much, and it seems of late that a lot more than sometimes i am scared.

I hope the scared passes, i hope i can enjoy this time a little more, i hope that soon, the overwhelming feelings subside and happiness takes over.

Courage is doing what you’re afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you’re scared. Edward Vernon Rickenbacker

Eighteen Weeks. Two Days. Day 129 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

There was a time when things were simple, when work was work and home was home.  When dreams were of peaceful things and when time was not of the essance.

These days time seems to escape me, i dream of work, i organise my working day as i stand in the shower, and i plan my weekend around getting some work done online.

What have i come too?

Why do i do this?

As i drove to the gym this morning i asked myself why? I told myself no, i cant go on like this, that i need to look after myself more, but i know in my heart my dreams will be filled with torment over unfinished work, i know that my weekend will be spent catching up & i know that no matter what it takes the work will be done.

But why?

What is it about us that makes us go on? That even though there is no end, even though no matter how hard we work, it wont be done, that no matter what, we will continue to push ourselves to our limits?

What is it that is making me work this hard, making me work till i cant stand up, making me work until my eyes wont stay open any longer, making me forget about catching up with friends and family, just to catch up on work?

Why cant i stop?

Part of me says i have no choice, say the work has to be completed, but maybe it is the need to prove myself, to show that i CAN do it, to prove my worth, to stand up and be noticed, to scream out to the world that i am no fool, that i am smarter than you make me out to be, than you assumed, that i shouldnt be dimissed, that i am not the same as an everyday joe blow…

Maybe i want to be noticed, not forgotton.

And a part of me thinks i am scared…

Scared that in 6 months i will leave all i have ever known and start an adventure, where anything can happen, and where day to day routine is not welcome…

Scared that i wont be welcome back, and scared of the unknown… And i have always been scared of the unknown.

This whole adventure has and truly will be the deepest i have ever dove into the unknown… and maybe that is where it all stems from?

The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing. Unknown.

Seventeen Weeks, Six Days. Day 126 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Sometimes it is hard to find the right words to write about how i am feeling.

Each day i sit down and i try to find something deep inside that i want to share, that i want one day for my george to read, to know, to understand.  But some days are like today… Just simple, and i think i like the simpleness of today.

Today i dont feel alone anymore, today i dont feel scared, today i dont feel like the world is against me , and today i dont feel like i have nothing.  Today i feel like i have everything, and i feel like everything will be ok.

But yesterday, yesterday was different for a brief second, yesterday i said something to my husband that scared even myself, that made me somewhat realise that these days, each new day is a good day, that when things are simple, life is good, a

We were talking about more children (lets not even discuss why right now) talking about the frozen embryo’s we have left, just a very breif conversation… No more than two sentences.

I said to him, i cant go back there, that i dont want to go back there.

Today is a good day, the past 3 months have been good, but to get here, i dont know if i would be strong enough to do that again, i dont know if i can make myself, let myself rather, go back to that dark place.

I am more myself today than i have been in two years, i am more the person my husband married today, then i was last year, last year i wasnt me… I was someone who i am still not sure i want to meet again.

If there comes a time where i want more children, will i let myself go back there, knowing who i will become, knowing what it will do to me, knowing that i am risking it all, will i do that again?

I know it is a question only i can answer, and only i will know at the right time.  But i sit here today, when everything is great, when i have the whole world infront of me, when i have everything to gain, where i believe that the sun will rise each and everyday to new hopes, and i wonder to myself, will i give that up again?

The trouble with simple living is that, though it can be joyful, rich, and creative, it isn’t simple. Doris Janzen Longacre

Seventeen Weeks, Five Days. Day 125 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Happy Easter! I love easter, i love chocolate, and i just love that we get 4 days off, without digging into our holiday pay…

But the thing i am not too sure about, the thing that kinda makes me a little sad, is that, not many people really celebrate or understand the reason for this awesome holiday.

Now i am no preacher, and i truly believe with all my heart that everyone has the right to believe what they choose to believe, but if find it hard because it seems that even some of the people dearest to me dont even recognize the reason behind the holiday.

On friday i asked my step son the reason why we have a holiday, or the reason why on friday we wern’t eating meat, he said “I dont know” I asked him this morning the reason why we eat chocolate on sunday and he said “because it is easter” “but what is easter?” “i dont know”

What are these children learning? And who taught us the reason behind it all? And i am not talking about converting children, i am not talking about pressing my beliefs onto my step son, i am simply talking about KNOWing the meaning behind the holiday.

99% of kids and adults know the meaning of christmas, the reason behind the holiday, so why dont we know the reason behind the eggs and chocolate and the rabbit (actually i dont even know the meaning of the rabbit!)?

I HONESTLY dont think that making people believe what you believe is right, i think that you can present your opinion and what you know to be true and then everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe.  But if we are all taking the holiday, if we are all having four days off, just like christmas has its public holidays, shouldnt we know the reason, shouldnt we tell our children the reason behind the eggs and let them decide if they believe or not?  Shouldnt they be informed, shouldnt our children grow up knowing why? Or should we wait for the world to grow up and simply forget, simply go on believing that easter is just about four days off and chocolate?

Just saying…

I hope everyone has a very happy easter break, and eats lots of chocolates and hot cross buns!

Because in the end no matter what your religion is, no matter what you choose to believe, I know in my heart that i am eating chocolate this morning, and i am enjoying four days off, because i believe that Jesus died for our sins.

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow them Louisa May Alcott