Twenty-Three Weeks.  Day 163 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

The root of all evils… One of the only things that tears my husband and i apart… Thats right $$ … Money

I hate it.  More to the point i hate how it can divide a nation, or in my case, my little family.

In our family i am the banker lady, i look after everything, and i like it that way.  I do the budgeting and the organizing, the paying of bills, the sorting out…. My husband, well he just spends every penny he can get his hands on…  But that is another story all in its own.

Anyway, during my amazing three days of pure bed rest i had the great pleasure of watching Oprah… Now it is not often i get to do this, and the other day they were talking about finances and what you would do if suddenly one of your incomes was ‘gone’… And well it got me thinking.  In four months time one of our incomes will be gone… We will basically, in an instant, half our household income.

How will we handle this?

Now i am not naive, we have had a plan in place for a while now, but good ol’ Oprah gave me an idea… I am going to cut my household income NOW.

Yup, i am jumping into the deep end…  Not only could this be a ‘practice run’ for when i go on leave, but a great way to save some much needed cash.

Normally i am the type to have a plan, to work this out bill by bill, to make sure there is exactly the right amount in the right account at the right time… But i am throwing my hands in the air and saying ‘STUFF IT’ – no plan, just figure it out as we go along…. EKKK!

I am not saying it is going to be easy, in fact i know for a fact it is going to be hard, i know that it is going to cause many dilemma’s and voice raising arguments between my sweet little husband and i… But the way i see it, the way Oprah so blankly put it is….

Better now than later…Better i put us in the deep end when there is a payday at the end of each week, than being in the deep end when there is no pay day – Right?!

Better to ‘slowly’ ease into it rather than having the stress of a new baby and a halved income – right?!

Right?!?

Am i insane? Is this stress i dont need now?

Oh gosh, what have i got myself into?

The art is not in making money, but in keeping it. Proverb

Twenty-Two Weeks. Five Days. Day 161 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

To my dearest mother that i never really knew,

Happy mothers day mum.

So many times over the past year i have needed you, so many times over this past year i have cried for you from so deep inside of me i didnt think it possible.  So many times i have screamed out to the sky’s cursing the day you died, so many times mum, i just wished you were here.

But i know in my heart that you are up there looking down on me wishing the same.

I want you to know mum that i love you, i always have, and there will never be a day in my life time when i wont think of you, and there will never be a moment when my miracle, your grandchild, wont know just how very special you are to me, and just how much you influenced my life and everything i have become today.

If i could tell you one thing this mothers day, i would simply say that i wished i could have told you that i love you one more time, that i wish i could have told you just how precious you are, and i wish i could have told you just how much i would miss you, and mum if i had one more chance i would simply give you the hug that i never really got to share with you that one last time.

Happy mothers day mum, i love you more than words will ever say.

Love from your daughter, the little one…

Help find a cure for breast cancer, donate this mothers day here

Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

Twenty-Two Weeks. Four Days. Day 160 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

So i realised this morning that havent really thought much about the birth of my miracle… Well you know i have thought about after the birth, i have thought about having my baby at home, i have thought about up to the birth, but not actually the birth.

I know that my husband will support me no matter what i choose… But again that makes it oh so hard for me too choose and descide what i want.

And i know that there is plenty of time to think about it, and plenty of time to decide what we want, but how do i know what i want?

I know one thing i am certain of, one thing i know i dont want, i dont want photos or films… No cameras anywhere near me, are you allowed to put that on your plan?

Oh and how do you know who you want there and who you dont want there?  And how do you do that without offending people, what if everyone wants to be near, when all i want is quiet?

And the medical decisions, how will i know what is right and what is wrong, how will i know what i want and what i need, what is best?  Will i just know?

What did you do? The first time i mean? How did you know what was right?  And when was the right time to start thinking about these things? Should i just forget about it for a few months, and come back to it, or should i be thinking and researching now?  Do they tell you what to do at these classes you go to?

So many questions, it was so hard getting here, now that i am here, i am a little freaked out! Not scared, no i am happy i am freaked out, but freaked out all the same….

And then comes the questions… What happens when i do finally bring my little miracle home?

One who asks a question is a fool for five minutes; one who does not ask a question remains a fool forever. Chinese Proverb

Twenty-Two Weeks. Three Days. Day 159 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

Yesterday while i was at the hospital and today as i lay in bed, i thought about the whole process i have been through the past year, and yesterdays titled post really is the only way to describe it… It is scary, just plain old scary, there is no other word for it, no other way to talk about it, nothing else that will describe the way that i am living it.  And i know in my heart that i shouldnt have so much fear, that the Lord will look after my little miracle, but i ponder at the thought that the fear will always be there, i know that i may have to look at it as a feeling that i have to live with day in and day out, but i wonder when the excitement will overcome the fear, when joy will take over the dread?

As i waited yesterday i wrote…

Wait for follicles to grow, scared of the outcome…

Wait for egg collection, scared of the outcome…

Wait for fertilization, scared of the outcome…

Wait the two week wait, scared of the outcome…

Wait for the heart beat, scared of the outcome…

Wait for the 12 week scan, scared of the outcome…

Wait for the 20 week scan, scared of the outcome…

Slightest twinge and back pain, scared of the outcome…

Waiting at the doctors, scared of the outcome…

Each time i have nothing to be scared about, each time i have had nothing but good news, i know what needs to happen, i know in my heart what i need to have, but sometimes it is easier said than done…

When you have come to the edge Of all light that you know And are about to drop off into the darkness Of the unknown, Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or You will be taught to fly Patrick Overton

Twenty-One Weeks. Six Days. Day 155 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

For those of you who havent gathered by now… I like to talk… And if you are a believer in opposites attracting, then you would have by now also gathered that i am married to a beautiful man who says very few words… Honestly its a great match, i talk, he pretends to listen – both happy…

But why are we stuck?  Well we are stuck on the hardest thing of all…. Names…  I have much to say, he has little to say… I know in my heart that my husband wants to be a part of the name choosing, but i also know that it is so hard to think of something, of ideas….

We have done the movie credit watching, we have done the going for a quiet walk to talk about it thing….. But nothing no inspiration has come to us… And i fear, my greatest fear actually, that the day will come, and we wont have a name, we wont have something that we both like… And that is by far the most important thing to me, something that we both like.

My thoughts today went to looking though a baby name book, but so many names, all listed, we wont get through that!

So my mind then wandered to the people that have helped me through this whole process, the people that have been there for me the whole journey… YOU!

So today i ask for your help, tell me some names to inspire my husband and i, names that are not in your heart for your own children, but names that you think will suit a soul that makes your heart melt each time you think of it…. A name that will suit the face of my miracle…

Thank you…

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other word would smell as sweet. Shakespeare

Twenty-One Weeks. Five Days. Day 154 in the quest to meet our little miracle George

I never really thought about it until i saw the books at the IVF clinic.  And i never really thought about it as a story to share until i realised that it was going to be a story to share.

I guess for me at least it will be easier because i have my letters, i have my story ‘Chasing A Miracle’ I have everything right here ready and waiting, i wont need the books and i wont need the explanation…

But what time is the right time?

At what time do you say to the miracle you desired for so long, spent an eternity loving, just how they came about?  Just how much their mother and father went through to get them here…

Does the story just unfold?  Does it even really matter?  And will the right time just present its self on its own?

I know some children have a deeper understanding of things in life, i know already that there are some kids in my life that understand exactly what i have been through, ask me questions and know that this child is more special, and yet i know other kids the same age who dont understand, or dont care to understand…

So at what time, at what age, at what point do the letters come out, and the real story unfold?

I know that my story is something i never want to forget, something that one day i hope my george will understand and respect me for… But i worry that the story must be told at the right time for that understanding, the right time for that respect…

But again i say, does it even matter, does it really matter?  Should i even be thinking this way? Isnt it that our story will just be part of our journey, be part of our everyday conversations in life, be part of who we are?

A gift is pure when it is given from the heart to the right person at the right time and at the right place, and when we expect nothing in return Bhagavad Gita