Thirty Weeks, One Day. Day 213 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 69 days to go…
Yes, yes it is possible to burn boiled eggs!
Plus me and my Wilma
May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.
Thirty Weeks. Day 212 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 70 days to go…
So as the weeks tick by and as i think more and more about the birth of my miracle and what is going to happen, and lately how quickly it may happen, i begin to wonder more and more about the silly little things…
Like today, i began thinking, and consequently panicking, about my hospital bag, about what is meant to go into it, and funnily enough this morning about what i was going to wear, and what i should get for my little miracle.
I know, i know, i am ignoring the important things like ummm – you know, the baby actually coming OUT… But well, this is important too!
My first question is, what do you wear in hospital these days? The only time i have been in hospital was for an appendectomy – and they gave me one of those oh so exciting gowns to wear – you know the ones… They dont have a back, and if your wearing lacy backed undies – then well, everyone can see your crack (dont ask – long story!) Now i did have an AWESOME suggestion to me today and that was to wear one of my shirts – these ones…. Now that would get a giggle!
My second question is, what do you need for the little tyke -besides a name?
My third question is (and i will just come straight out and say it) Ladies - pads?… What on earth do i need there, because i havent worn one of those since 1997…??
What do i need peoples? And when should i have all this stuff prepared for? If i do go early i dont want to be in a mad rush, and not to be mean, but honestly my DH can NOT be relied on for this sort of stuff…. And are the packs different if i have a c-section?
I do assume that they tell you this stuff in the classes, but my classes arnt till i am 33 & 34 weeks pregnant – so if George does have to come out early – that is NOT going to be enough time….
As i think about this whole thing more and more, i begin to freak out – in an excited way of course, but you know what? I am so unprepared, and what makes it worse is that i am the type of person who is always early, who is always one step in front, i am that girl who packed her clothes a week before camp, and wrote a checklist for the day before – just to be sure…
So please, today – any advise is good advise, as long as it is positive 
It is better to be prepared for an opportunity and not have one than to have an opportunity and not be prepared. Whitney M. Young, Jr.
Twenty-Nine Weeks, Six Days. Day 211 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 71 days to go…
Sometimes i wonder why people tell you – it only gets worse…
Why when i say i am tired, i get told – you’re in for it yet…
Why when i say i cant wait to go for a run, i get told – you wont have time for that…
Why when i say diet, i get told – you wont stick to that or it never comes off….
Why when i say breast feeding, i get told – oh it is the hardest thing, you wont like it….
Why are everyone’s comments so negative?
What about when i say i am tired i get told – it wont matter to you when you have a baby in your arms
What about when i say i cant wait to go for a run or diet, i get told – its good you have enthusiasm…
What about when i say breast feeding, cant i be told – yes this is best for your baby…
I know it wont be easy, i am no fool, i have sisters and friends that have had babies, i know it is going to be hard, i know i wont be able to go for a run straight away, i understand i am going to find it hard to find time to eat correctly, but honestly cant i find that out for myself, cant people people just encourage rather than put down?
Why is it that no matter the situation people would rather put you down, place a negative spin on your comments than encourage you, or simply be there to support you when you need it….?
And it is not just in pregnancy and child birth or raising a child…. It is everything!
When i was trying to conceive, not once did anyone say it was worth it (sorry i lie – i had encouragement from my sister and my online friends)
When i went through my terrible limbo land wait, was i encouraged to hold on? No, someone at work even had the nerve to tell me that no matter what happened i should keep my emotions in, dont tell anyone what is happening…
When i was confirmed pregnant, i got told – oh just wait until the 12 weeks is up….
I still get told, your baby is not in your arms yet….
Why? Why is everyone so negative? How can i possibly get over my own issues, how will i possibly keep the enthusiasm up, how on earth am i suppose to be able to do this if people keep telling me all the negative things, if every time i say something i am shut down, like i will always be wrong from this moment on, like i wont be able to do anything i tell myself i can do?
I am strong, i know i am, i climbed the highest most treacherous mountain to get to where i am now, and most days i feel like screaming – I CAN DO THIS! I can breastfeed, and i can go for a run, i can diet, and you know what, i can handle being tired! I CAN DO THIS! If it takes time – i understand. If i cant run a kilometer for a while – i get it, i have higher priorities… If i cant breastfeed straight away – i get it, it takes time, it hurts, i get it i get it i get it…
So please, just encourage me, just be there for me when it all falls apart and i need your support…. Dont put me down now, dont tell me ‘i told you so’… Be a friend, not a foe… At least tell me the good things, not the bad things!
Twenty-Nine Weeks, Five Days. Day 210 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 72 days to go…
Yesterday as i sat in the cinema with my beautiful nephew and niece watching Toy Story 3 i bawled my eyes out.
Yes you heard correctly, i cried like a baby in a children s movie!
But you must understand, as i watched the movie and as i rubbed my belly, i was reminiscing on my childhood toys and all the joys they brought, the memories they hold and all the times i myself held onto them so tight just to get me through the evenings.
And as i sat there watching the story of Andy and his Woody, i was reminded especially of the one toy that still means the world to me – my woofie.
27 years on my woffie, a pound puppy that my mother gave to me when i was just a new born, still has a special spot in my heart that could never be taken away. This is the toy that comforted me in my crib, the toy that got me through the night when i thought the boogie man was under my bed, this is the toy that listened to my stories when no one else was around, and this special stuffed puppy was the one who was there to mop up my tears. My pound puppy, my woofie, he was the toy that was there when my mother was no longer around, he was there when my heart was broken a thousand times, he was even taken with me on the night before i married my husband, and as stupid as it seems, i already have a special spot chosen for him in my precious geroges room.
At 27 you would think i would have grown out of a toy, you would have thought that i should have given it away, or in its condition thrown it out, but i cant…. This silly toy is to precious to me.
And it was not just that, no as i watched the movie i also realised that soon i would be choosing a special toy for my precious miracle to love and hold onto, to cherish, to have through the hard times and the good times, a toy that would bring my child happiness just as i once had with my woofie, a toy that in 27 years time will hold just the same amount of sentimental value… And that too brought tears to my eyes.
It makes me wonder about others toys, about the toys that were there for your childhood, about the toys that still mean everything and more to you… Tell me, tell me about your toy story…
We do not remember days, we remember moments. The richness of life lies in memories we have forgotten. Cesare Pavese
Twenty-Nine Weeks, Four Days. Day 209 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 73 days to go…
Yesterday i stumbled accross a post by Busted Plumbing on Face book (go on you know you want to follow her HERE and check out the origional face book status question HERE) and as i wrote the below words i realised just how much i have changed from who i was two years ago, and how much more i love the world, love the Lord, love my family and my husband, and generally just love my life thatlittle bit more because of all that i have been through…
The questions posed to me was:
If you or your spouse experienced fertility challenges, but is now pregnant or has a child… what do you feel like infertility took from you? Was there moments you really couldn’t enjoy because of it? On the flip side, are there any ways infertility enhanced your pregnancy or parenting experience?
(and please please please check out Busted Plumbings Post… as it is sure to be a fantastic read!)
As i sat at work and wrote the below words, once again there were tears rolling down my cheeks…. And maybe i am alone in my thinking, maybe you have your own thoughts (If you do, dont forget to post them on Busted Kate’s Facebook status) however whatever the case, it did make me realise once more just how far i have come…
I still cry… Every day. Sometimes they are happy tears, sometimes they are tears of just how blessed i am, but sometimes they are still painful tears. It hurts. no matter how hard i try to forget i cannot, and it hurts, it hurts that people suffered and are suffering the same as me, it hurts that i cant take the pain away from myself or from others and it hurts somedays because i am so scared. Just as Krissi says above, i am so scared that this will be taken away from me, that if something goes wrong i wont be able to live.
I pray everyday, they are prayers of thanx and prayers only for the child i have inside of me. I never understood what it is like to love something so much, and i believe in my heart that because i went to hell and back and becuase i gave this everything i had left inside of me, that i am and i will be a better person and a better mother for it.
I believe the experience has taught me so much about myself and the love i have for my family and my husband, i believe with all my heart that my family and my husband have also learned so much about themselves and what this world means to them.
infertility is the worst thing in this world… It is the most pain anyone can experience, and i have been through it all so i know. I know what it is like to watch someone die of cancer, to loose a loved one, and to grow up without a mother, and for some reason, and as controversial as this sounds, losing a child is worse, not being able to conceive, going through the pain of infertility, it is worse, i dont know why, and for others it may be different, but infertility was the hardest struggle of my life.
Each day when i look at what i have now, when i realise what i have learned and what the lord has blessed me with now, i know that i will never live an ungrateful day in my life…..
If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. John Heywood
Twenty-Nine Weeks, Three Days. Day 208 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 74 days to go…
I could barely sleep last night, i tossed and i turned, i rolled from side to side as i got more impatient about seeing my little miracle in the morning.
But i never expected reason for caution, i never expected to be speaking to the doctor this morning.
Nothing is wrong, George is healthy and happy, i saw my precious little miracle again and my baby was very active, every organ is functioning as it should… But my little baby is small, and growing slowly, which made the doctor think twice, and made me just that little bit more anxious.
I knew this could have been the case, i was told, lupus often can do this, but i have been good, i have been great… My pain has been so minimal….
So now we wait. We watch, we pray, we hope, we have faith and once again we wait.
The doctor so gently and kindly explained to us that our miracle needs grow a little quicker, and that once again i would have a scan in two weeks to check my miracles progress, and ensure everything is ok….
The wait isnt the scary part, nowhere near as daunting as the two week wait i waited just 7 months ago, but there is so very much more on the line now… And that makes me just a tiny bit scared…
And only scared when the doctor mentioned that if progress is too slow, george will have to be delivered at 35 weeks… 35 weeks?! That is just 5 weeks away…. I know that the baby will be fine, no matter what happens, i have faith in the Lord…. I keep telling myself i have come this far, and the Lord has blessed me with so much already that he would not let anything happen to my little miracle… But once again it makes me realise that i must look after myself, eat more vegtables and protein, drink more water, rest, rest rest….
Because to be honest, while i want to see my miracle, while i cant wait to hold george, i want my baby to be in the best form, to be fully grown, to be in my arms and not in a humidi crib, i dont want my miracle at risk…
And 5 weeks is too soon, i need more time – George your room isnt ready yet!
Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see. C.S. Lewis
Twenty-Nine Weeks, Two Days. Day 207 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 75 days to go…
To my dearest little miracle,
One day, a long time from today, a day when you look back and wonder about times past, when you want to learn more about the events that shaped your country and your life, about days when so much was happening in the world, where times where changing, and when you get to look back and think ‘really – that was a first’ you will be able to look back and know that your mother was thinking about you.
And today my dear, something happened in our country, something that hit the news world, something that made everyone stop and say ‘what happened, what is happening, do you know the outcome?’
Today ‘JULIA Gillard has accepted the role of Australia’s first female prime minister with the greatest humility and enthusiasm’(news.com.au)…
Now i am not the one for politics, i am not the one who typically wants to know much, or cares to much, or gets to involved… But today i did stop, and i did want to know, and i did care, because today i realised that this decision, this change, this may very well effect your life to come, that i am a part of something that will be a part of your future.
I sit here and wonder what this all means, what it might mean for you, but honestly it could mean anything, and right now as i sit here watching all the stories and reading all the updates all i can think is how blessed i am to be able to share this with you, how blessed i truly am to be telling MY future generation that i saw that first Australian female prime minister be sworn in, that me, your mother will actually be telling her child that she was there at that time – and as corney or stupid as it sounds, as important or unimportant as this event will be in your life time, all i know right now is that i will get to share my knowledge and my past with you who is my future, part of the future, and that is what excites me.
That is what makes me care. You.
Love from a mother that will be.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. Eleanor Roosevelt
Twenty-Nine Weeks. Day 205 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 77 days to go…
I learned something saturday past.
I saw real tears, i saw real pain, i saw real fear, and i knew that this friend of mine is more of a best friend than any other ‘so called’ best friends past.
She was there for me last year, she was always there to tell me it would be ok, and she was always there when i needed her most, and over the weekend as we talked, laughed, and cried, i knew that this friendship is the best friendship i have ever had, one that i will treasure for an eternity.
But that is not what i learned.
As we talked and as the tears fell down my friends face, and as she told me that she was hurting because i didnt have a mother to share this experience with, as she explained that she could have never done this without her mother, i realised that i didnt know any better. That i dont know any better. That while i miss the person i knew, the mother i loved, i dont actually know what it is like any more to have a mother.
I dont know what it would be like to share this experience with a mother. I dont know what it would be like to have generations of ‘wisdom’ passed to me. I dont know what it would be like to ask for advise from a mother. I just dont know any better.
But that is ok.
I saw the pain in my friends eyes, but i had to tell her that it was ok, because i have people around me that love me so much that it is enough for me. I have people who are there for me to give me advise, i have people to look after me, and i have people that love me unconditionally.
So right now, it is ok, because ignorance is bliss.
Do i miss my mum? Like hell. I miss her smell, i miss her skin, i miss the hugs i used to get, and i miss the figure she was to me. But i cant miss what she is not, i cant miss a non existent figure in my life right now. I cant know what it is like to have something i dont. I dont know what it is like to have a mum to laugh and cry with, to whinge and complain with, to tell the silliest little things to, a mum that would tell me it would be ok…. And maybe i am just telling myself this, but because i dont know any better, because i have others in my life that fill that void, i am ok, and i will be ok.
Maybe it is more complex than that, maybe it is not, but i do know that i am ok, and i do know now that there is someone out there, that there are people out there, who love me so much that they feel pain for me, that even i dont fully understand.
Thank you for being the best friend anyone could have possibly asked for.
Great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget. G Randolf
Twenty-Eight Weeks, Six Days. Day 204 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 78 days to go…
There are so many times in our lives when we have to let things go, but no matter what it is it is always hard. For me today i realised i have to let my job go – it is time.
It is not a bad thing, in fact it is a great thing, it means that soon i will be a mother, but no matter how exciting my future is, no matter how much i am looking forward to tomorrow and what it has in store for me, it still seems to be hard.
It feels like giving your comfort zone to someone else, like handing over your prized possession to someone new. I am no one fancy, i am not important, i dont have any special skills, i am just an admin girl, that works for other people – doing the things that no one else wants to do, but it is still my domain, still my life, still everything that i have been for the past two and a half years, and i honestly never expected it to be this hard to give away something that shouldnt be so important. But it is, it really is.
I know there are bigger and better things in store for me, i believe it when my sister tells me that the Lord has a plan and that there is nothing but bigger and better and more exciting things out there for me. I know that, i believe that, and i am excited about that, but again – it doesnt seem to change the feelings i have inside.
I think a part of me is scared, scared to dive into the unknown, scared of that new adventure, just a tiny bit scared of breaking the routine. But i have to let go, i realised today i just must let go – focus on what tomorrow holds, focus on something new, and something that will surly be the most exciting adventure i have ever been on, focus on the excitement bubble i get inside when each day the time ticker ticks closer to meeting my little miracle.
Let go of yesterday and look forward to tomorrow.
Thats all i have to do.
Courage is the power to let go of the familiar. Raymond Lindquist
