Twenty-Six Weeks, Three days. Day 187 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 95 days to go…
As i drove home this evening the tears steamed down my checks, and i didnt try to stop them. This week has been hard, one of the hardest if my life. And tonight i could do nothing but cry.
A year ago all i was thinking was “I just have to get pregnant, once i am pregnant everything will be ok” i believed that as soon as that miracle was in the making everything would be ok, happiness would follow and the best nine months of my life would be had.
Today i realised, this week i began to realise that that was a dream, that i was silly to believe that, that this is not how the story goes.
I am scared, i am more scared than i ever ever been before, and each day it doesnt get better, it gets worse… I just get more scared as the steaks get higher.
The love in my heart i have for my child is remarkable, i know i must trust in myself and God and know that my little miracle is safe, but right now i just cant help but be scared. I tell myself one day at a time, one day at a time… But in a world of the unknown, in a world where one must trust in their decisions and their instincts, it is so hard, just so hard to know just when to be scared, just when to have fear, and to know just when everything is as it should be.
Each night i talk to my miracle, i tell my george that she will be born on the 8th september 2010, i speak confidence into myself, but sometimes it isnt enough. Sometimes all i can do is pray for the next three months to pass by quickly and trouble free, for the next 95 days to fly by without fear and doubt.
I want nothing more than to trust that everything is ok, i want nothing more than to ‘relax and enjoy’ but i cant, i cant put on a brave face tonight, and i cant stop the tears from falling, because tonight, this week – i am scared.
Right now as i lay in bed, waiting just waiting for little kicks to reassure me, i tell myself that tomorrow is a new day, and tomorrow it will all be ok…
Tomorrow it will all be ok…
Yesterday is but today’s memory, and tomorrow is today’s dream. Kahlil Gibran
