Twenty-Nine Weeks, Four Days. Day 209 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 73 days to go…
Yesterday i stumbled accross a post by Busted Plumbing on Face book (go on you know you want to follow her HERE and check out the origional face book status question HERE) and as i wrote the below words i realised just how much i have changed from who i was two years ago, and how much more i love the world, love the Lord, love my family and my husband, and generally just love my life thatlittle bit more because of all that i have been through…
The questions posed to me was:
If you or your spouse experienced fertility challenges, but is now pregnant or has a child… what do you feel like infertility took from you? Was there moments you really couldn’t enjoy because of it? On the flip side, are there any ways infertility enhanced your pregnancy or parenting experience?
(and please please please check out Busted Plumbings Post… as it is sure to be a fantastic read!)
As i sat at work and wrote the below words, once again there were tears rolling down my cheeks…. And maybe i am alone in my thinking, maybe you have your own thoughts (If you do, dont forget to post them on Busted Kate’s Facebook status) however whatever the case, it did make me realise once more just how far i have come…
I still cry… Every day. Sometimes they are happy tears, sometimes they are tears of just how blessed i am, but sometimes they are still painful tears. It hurts. no matter how hard i try to forget i cannot, and it hurts, it hurts that people suffered and are suffering the same as me, it hurts that i cant take the pain away from myself or from others and it hurts somedays because i am so scared. Just as Krissi says above, i am so scared that this will be taken away from me, that if something goes wrong i wont be able to live.
I pray everyday, they are prayers of thanx and prayers only for the child i have inside of me. I never understood what it is like to love something so much, and i believe in my heart that because i went to hell and back and becuase i gave this everything i had left inside of me, that i am and i will be a better person and a better mother for it.
I believe the experience has taught me so much about myself and the love i have for my family and my husband, i believe with all my heart that my family and my husband have also learned so much about themselves and what this world means to them.
infertility is the worst thing in this world… It is the most pain anyone can experience, and i have been through it all so i know. I know what it is like to watch someone die of cancer, to loose a loved one, and to grow up without a mother, and for some reason, and as controversial as this sounds, losing a child is worse, not being able to conceive, going through the pain of infertility, it is worse, i dont know why, and for others it may be different, but infertility was the hardest struggle of my life.
Each day when i look at what i have now, when i realise what i have learned and what the lord has blessed me with now, i know that i will never live an ungrateful day in my life…..
If you will call your troubles experiences, and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be. John Heywood
