Twenty-Eight Weeks, Four Days. Day 202 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 80 days to go…

Sometimes i forget that some people dont know what i went through to get pregnant.

Sometimes i forget that for some people little babies arnt little miracles.

Sometimes i forget that some people dont have a clue as to the heart ache that IVF or IF brings… And sometimes i am reminded that some people dont understand, when i see the confused look on peoples faces when i say that i wouldnt wish what i went through on my worst enemy.

Sometimes people tell jokes about being ‘knocked up’ or sitting in the ‘fertile’ seat at work… I get defensive, dont they remember my pain?  They dont, because they arnt the ones i shared my story with and sometimes i forget that.

I forget that most people dont understand the process, that they dont understand how hard it is.

Sometimes i forget that some people just dont know how lucky we are, how blessed we have become.

Sometimes i forget, and sometimes that gets me into trouble – i say something wrong, i get looked at in a strange way, i say something that offends someone else, someone says something that offends me…

But each day i am learning that this is ok, because sometimes we all forget that everyone is different, everyone has their own story to tell…

One can enjoy a rainbow without necessarily forgetting the forces that made it Mark Twaiun

Twenty-Eight Weeks, Three Days. Day 201 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 81 days to go…

I have realised over the past week why it is i am so tired, and maybe the reason behind the baby brain…

A pregnant womans bedtime routine in ten simple steps.

1. Hop into bed, no you cant lay on your belly
2. Turn to your side, i am not falling asleep but my arm is! Where does your arm go when you lay on your side?
3. Ok, now turn onto your back – how do people sleep like this?
4. Roll onto the other side, that takes your breath away, and now the other arm is falling asleep
5. Turn onto your back again, that also takes your breath away, and its still not comfortable
6. Sit up for a moment, let your lungs get back into place, get up walk to the kitchen, get a glass of water, sigh, walk back to bed
7. Try laying on your back again, is it really going to be any more comfortable this time round?
8. Leg cramp, owie owie owie owie! Get up again, stretch the cramp out
9. Back on side, fight with the body pillow, arm falls asleep before you again… sigh
10. Repeat steps one to nine until the alarm finally goes off and you realise you have to face the day once again – there will never be enough make up to fix these bags!

If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give. Anon

Twenty-Eight Weeks, Two Days. Day 200 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 82 days to go…

So this weekend as we watched tv, listened to some music and went about our merry days i heard something that really took my breath away.

Sunday night as we ate dinner, and as i asked my step son to finish his tea, he said to us “i wonder what it would be like to be rich”

I was shocked, honestly i was shocked.  He is ten.  Why is he wondering such things.  And not only is he ten, he is what i believe to be a little bit spoilt ten, he has everything – twice over…

Now i am not sure what lead to this line of conversation, i assume it would have something to do with something on tv, but my response was quite defensive, and to be honest i was very blunt.  I responded with “you are rich! You have a roof over your head, food on your plate and a mother, father and much family that love you, you are rich!”

There was no responce to that.

Conversation over.

But my thoughts today, after that conversation, has lead to, why, why does a ten year old wonder what it is like to be rich, why does a ten year old assume  he is not rich? And how do we change this train of though? Why does a kid with every toy he wants, every ounce of love in the world, and after two days of 24/7  undivided attention from his dad, wonder what it is like to be rich?

Am i reading more into this, was it simply just a passing thought, or does the poor kid think he is missing something in life, think that people with fast cars and bigger houses are happier?

I know his uncle has a fast car and a larger house, and many tv’s and toys, and i also know that his father talks a lot about the fast car… But i also know that his father and his uncle arnt happy because of the fast car and the ‘things’, they were happy before these things…. But is this what is confusing the kid?  Is this what children see, they see things as happiness?

My husband and i live within our means, we work hard and we live well because we work hard.  We are lucky, we are one of the lucky couples – we know that, and in my heart i believe that we appreciate what we have, we are greatful for the roof over our heads and the food on our plates, for our health and for the blessings we have – we are happy.

So again i ask, why does a ten year old wonder what it is like to be rich, if we are happy, if he is happy, if we all have everything we need?

And as we dropped my step son home, as the radio played, we heard this song…  And once again i began thinking….

What is this world coming too? Songs that make us think that being rich is what matters in life, and kids that believe it…

If you want to feel rich, just count the things you have that money can’t buy. Proverb

Twenty-Eight Weeks. Day 198 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 84 days to go…

I am not normally the one to brag, not normally the one to go pronouncing small feats to the world, but today, this morning, i want to…

I want to scream to the world, i want to jump up in joy, i feel like i have made it – i am not there yet, i know that, but today marks a small milestone to me…

I am in the home stretch… Thats right, i made it to the last trimester, and i couldnt be happier.

“By this week, your baby weighs a little over 1 kilogram and may measure 38 centimetres from top to toe. At about this time, your baby can open his eyes and turn his head in utero if he notices a continuous, bright light shining from the outside. His fat layers are forming and his fingernails appear.” (babycentre.com.au)

I know its not over yet. I know there is a long way to go…. But we wait 12 weeks to confirm the pregnancy, 12 weeks for the doctors to tell us it is ok, 16 weeks more waiting wondering if everything will be ok… Then we get to week 28…  odds raise, movement strengthen, rapid growth begins… And my heart, well my heart right now is about to expolde with excitment…

I know that the next 12 weeks are going to be hard, i know that i am in for a ride…. I know i am going to get scared, i know i shouldnt be jumping for joy, quite yet, but i cant help it. I sit here today, and i welcome my future with arms streched as open as they possibly could be…

I am happy.

Finally, i am happy.

Tomorrow may be different, but today i feel like i achieved something, something for me.

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared. Buddah

Twenty-Seven Weeks, Six Days. Day 197 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 85 days to go…

Its funny, i dont want to know, but i want to know…

You guessed it, i am having the i want to know if i am having a boy or girl debate again…

But today on a more serious note, the thought of boy or girl and wanting to know came up because of a topic that i have sort of thought about maybe once or twice before now, something that i will only have to think about if my baby is a boy…. Have you guessed what i am talking about?

Today it really got me thinking and i googled, and actually for once Dr Google had little answers for me…

I am sure everyone has there own take on this, i am sure that there is no right or wrong, and it is one of those topics that no one ever talks about, one of those topics that even i have been to chicken to bring up in conversations, one of those topics that no matter who you talk to is likely to have a strong opinion.

Circumcision.

Is this in the past? I read that only about 10-15% of new born boys are circumcised these days. What is the reason for it, is there any reason for it?  Should i consider this for the future well being of a boys, ummm how should i say… ok ill just say it – sex life… (We’ve all seen that sex in the city episode).

What are the pros and cons, is it safe, do the benefits out weigh the risks?  And where do i find information on this topic? Dr Google didnt help me this time… Is this a GP question or an OB question?  Do i wait until after the birth, or is it something we need to think about now?

So many questions!  And i feel like so little time, and yes, before you ask, my husband and i will talk about this, i am just getting ready for it, becoming informed… Getting opinions to further my own thoughts, to gather my wits…  To see where the world stands before i take my stand – or maybe that is the wrong way to go about it… Who knows, like most things with pregnancy and birth – everything is controversial… nothing is black and white…

One will never find the right result to a controversial issue. Max Baucus

Twenty-Seven Weeks, Five Days. Day 196 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 86 days to go…

Would you do it again?

My answer right now is plain and simply no.

My no, it comes with terms and conditions, it comes with emotions, it comes with so many clauses it is worse than a warranty on a second hand VCR…  But right now it is no.

I have been asked on many occasions, the question that i am sure many IVF patients are asked… Would you go through IVF again?

No, no i wouldnt, because i dont think i could, i dont think my personality would survive it.

Once i have my little george in my arms, once i see the love i now feel….

I have been given my miracle, i have been blessed, the Lord has answered my prayers, and in my heart i know that is all i can ask for, all i can put myself through, right now at this point in time, it is enough.

I know that times change, i know that emotions change, i know that i may change my mind, but right now, at this point in time, toady when i assume that my little george will be ok, i dont think i can do this again.  Not just the IVF, but the pregnancy, the worry, the turmoil….All of the emotional highs and lows of the past 18 months…. I just dont think i could handle it again.

The love i feel for this child, the love i have for this someone inside of me i havent even meet yet – it is so overwhelming, yet it is enough, right now my heart is full, and i cant imagine anything more than what i have.

Six months ago i was at the end, i had given up, we had given up… I let my heart be defeated, i let my soul believe it was the end, i couldnt take it anymore…. And then i was given my miracle, so i believe with all my heart, that that is why this is enough for me.

I would never take back the past, i would never take back doing IVF for my first child…. But i just dont know if i could do this again…..  The way i see things in my heart, the trust i have in the Lord, this is it, our one little miracle, our blessing, our hope, and all our love….

Our lives improve only when we take chances and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves. Walter Anderson

Twenty-Seven Weeks, Four Days. Day 195 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 87 days to go…

Today, like many other days on this journey, i got to experience something maybe not unique to myself – actually i am quite sure there are many a women who have got to feel this amazing sensation… And, this may just be something that i will get to experience much more of in the coming months…

It was something that made me go ‘oh – gotta go!’

And i dont just mean gotta go, i mean GOTTA GO!

There are many things so far i have had the privilege of experiencing when in comes to my bladder, the first was the constant need to pee in the first trimester, the second was that amazing day when i sneezed… ( oh Dear!) and the third, well that was today…

Today my little miracle kicked my bladder… Yup you heard right, i got one just in that spot that makes you go GOTTA GO… I had to run… No really i had to run!

I hear it gets worse before it gets better, i hear that my poor little bladder will never be the same again, and i hear that there are no ‘magical’ solutions to said problems…

So i guess this is good bye to waiting until the last minute, i guess this is good bye to ‘holding on’ and i guess i must say one final good bye to those wonderful two words… ‘it’ll wait’

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Anon