Thirty -One Weeks, Five Days. 58 days to go…

So i have thrown my husband in the deep end…

At my midwife appointment the other day as we discussed the ‘birth plan’ the options of cutting the umbilical cord came up… And of course i checked the box which said that my wonderful husband would be cutting it…

I got home and mentioned this to my husband, along with the hundreds of other pieces of information i threw at him… As per normal he just said his usual ‘ah huh’ and i never even really second guessed it.

However as i had a conversation with my family yesterday i realised that maybe he might not want to cut the cord, that it may in fact ‘freak’ him out a little…

I am not sure if this is the case, i was hoping to ‘make’ him cut the cord no matter what… But then again – is that mean to ‘make him’? Is it that important who cuts the cord?  And is it really that gross?

Honestly i dont think it is, gross that is, i cut the cord to my nephew earlier this year and it just really felt like cutting through a rope… So i am kind of interested to see if my husband feels the same as me, or if like some he is freaked out by the thought…

I guess it will have to be a wait and see moment, but in the meantime i think i will be prying some more information out of him, because the last thing i want for him is to faint or freak out because i pressured the poor soul into doing something he didnt want to do!

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thirty -One Weeks. Day 219 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 63 days to go…

Today i am tired, tired scared and confused.

I have a cold, a runny nose, something that is stopping me from sleeping.  I havent slept in two days and because of that i am scared and confused.

Everything is worse than what it is, the smallest thoughts have been turned into nightmares, and if you mix a little tired with a lot hormonal – it is enough to turn a sane woman insane, it has turned this sane woman insane.

I am counting kicks.  I am counting kicks becuase i am scared and confused, because i dont know what is normal and i dont know what is ok and what is not anymore.  I dont know what is what anymore, and even when i count the kicks i wonder if the kicks are enough, is the qty is ok….

I need to rest, to sleep but i want to count kicks, because i am scared… I am driving myself insane with whether this will be ok or not, and i am sending myself crazy even though i know i just need to sleep….

I hate today.

I hope tomorrow will be better.

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. Thich Nhat Hanh

Thirty Weeks, Six Days. Day 218 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 64 days to go…

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Huston we have ANOTHER Problem!

OK so its not really a problem, just a confusing dilemma.

What do we call the Grandparents?

Now most of you are thinking that this is really easy and that this shouldnt be too hard – right?  But you see with my little family it is a little more confusing… And i will try to explain it best i can.

On my side of the family my father is called Grandpa by my niece and two nephews, my step mother is called by her first name and ‘Grandma’ is known to have passed away…. So my theory is, that those names and principals  must stick…. But in doing that i may offend my step mother, who i understand wants to be called grandmother, (not 100% sure on that one though) however if i dont it may confuse the situation between the four children….

On my husbands side of the family there are no other direct grandchildren, so you would think it wouldnt be a problem would you? Well here is where the confusing part comes in, my husband has a child who calls my husbands parents Grandpa and Grandma…. DAM! Why didnt we think of this earlier?

So if we stick to this then we have two grandpas and two grandmas and i just know i am not going to be able to keep up… And why do i know this? Because i cant keep up with my step son and his magnitude of grandparents that are all called grandma and grandpa…. It has become so confusing in fact i have to stop the poor kid talking and ask do you mean grandpa bob or grandpa max?  And honestly i think that that sort of takes away the affection behind the name as well…

So what do we do?  My thoughts are that on my side of the family things have already been set in stone with three kids outweighing one…. So we will leave that be, and just go with the flow with my step mother (what ever happens happens?) And therefore my husbands parents get new names…. But we have already asked my husbands parents to come up with names, and it seems to always progress back to grandpa or grandma….?

So i guess i need

A) a soloution to the problem of two grandmas and grandpas – does anyone else have that problem?

B) a suggestion of names for my husbands parents to ponder on….

Its funny, i have decided that i cant decide on baby names, so now i have progressed to grandparent names!

We could learn a lot from crayons; some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, while others bright, some have weird names, but they all have learned to live together in the same box. Anon

Thirty Weeks, Five Days. Day 217 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 65 days to go…

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that just goes round and round?  Where no matter what you say doesnt change their opinion, they still seem to want to change you somehow?

When someone asks you a question, or voices an opinion, but when you answer honestly or voice your own opinion suddenly it is wrong? Suddenly you are the enemy thats thoughts must be changed?

I am not the type of person who normally gets too upset when this sort of thing happens, and in some situations i just agree with the other person to get the confrontation over. I am not normally the sort of person who fights back, but lately i have been getting quite annoyed, and wondering what i am doing so wrong.

The most upset i have been in a long time is when a friend (someone i havent seen in years) said to me the other day that ‘nothing else will matter when you have a baby’

Really? NOTHING else will matter when i have a baby?

We were discussing my insentient need to be busy and the notion that i cant sit still, and the notion that i MUST give 100% at work all the time.

Ok so i know that my time will be consumed by baby, and that when i am looking after my baby that i wont be thinking about my work, and i certinally wont care as much about a carrer as such once george is born, but i still care now, and i cant just throw away everthing i have now, beacasue i still have to go back to the same job… I still have to live up to the work ethics i lived for so long by – right?

I know that i must slow down, i have, i gave up running, i gave up dieting, i have taken to one day a week off from everything, i dont do nearly as much overtime as i used to… I believe i am looking after myself…. But still i get harrased, and still i get told that i am doing everything wrong, that i am not looking after myself, that it really doesnt matter, and that it wont matter in a couple of months…

Sometimes it gets to the point where i just want to scream, dont change me… I am who i am, my principals are set in my DNA and just because in a few months i will be learning new things, taking a new journey, facing new challenges, it doesnt mean nessasaraly that i myself am going to be a different person, or that i am nessasarly going to instantly change…

I may change, my thoughts may change, everyone changes over time, but is it nessasay to argue black and blue with me now?  Does it matter if right now i care about my job? And does it matter right now that i think i want to run a marathon next year?  Does it matter right now if i believe one thing and then i change my mind down the track?

And why say to me ‘nothing else will matter’?  Family will still matter – wont it? Earning a living to care for my miracle will still matter – wont it?  Having people to trust and lean on will still matter – wont it?

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. Abraham Lincoln

Thirty Weeks, Four Days. Day 216 in the quest to meet our little miracle George, 66 days to go…

I would do it all again, in a heart beat…. That is if i could take away the emotional anguish, if i hadnt already been through the emotional torture that i have been through.  But when you put i figure on IVF when you add up what you went through financially, it really makes you take a step back and realise just what this means to you.

If you told me ten years ago that i would spend over $30,000 on medical treatments for a child, i would have told you – not worth it.

If you told me the same thing five years ago, i may have pondered a little longer, but the outcome would have been the same – not worth it.

Now all i see is a figure, a meaningless figure.

A year ago we began our first IVF cycle and i still remember my husbands first response when i brought home the information pack and price list.  They tell you there is a  40% chance you will fall pregnant each IVF cycle (or is it take home a baby? I am not sure) i remember the tears welling up  in my eyes as i looked at my husband as he said “I wouldn’t put that much money down on those odds”

Now, like me, all he see’s is a figure.  The statement from the clinic didnt even get passed onto me, just got placed on top of the junk mail.

It doesnt matter, i have learned in the last year, that money means nothing, i have leaned that happiness and sadness doesnt come from the possessions you have nor the possessions you wish you had, it comes from inside, happiness comes from love, and sadness, well that comes from love as well, or in my case the desire to love….

Funny, i am and have always been so stubborn about spending habits, i never thought i would be the woman who wouldnt care, who would so easily hand over a credit card, who would so easily say – we will find the money… But i am, and i am proud of myself for giving up so much for a dream.

I worked last financial year for george, but this finical year i will stop working for george, and start living for george.

We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. Frederick Keonig